Old and New Jokes

Rosh Hashana was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to.

Max said, I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00

So Abie goes over to Moishes and finds that the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does. Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00.

He storms at Mr Jones. I thought you met Moishes prices?

I did, said Mr Jones, $4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!

Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step.If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you.

Once a desi Indian fellow from some remote village happened to visit America alone.

Reaching there, he, clad in dhoti kurta, found most of the gentlemen dressed in suits. Unknowingly he just caught a man wearing a tie and asked pointing finger to the tie, what is this?, he replied Its a neck tie.

The man then holding the desi mans dhoti from finger asked and whats this.
Desi consciously replied.Oh its a back tie.

The most respected name in bridge sale is about to present an offer that no self respecting bridge collector can ignore. The Bradley Bridge Exchange is proud to introduce the Commemorative Bridge Series. Even if you have never collected bridges before this unique investment opportunity should interest you.

The Bradley Bridge Exchange has been selling quality collectable bridges for fifty years. Now through this once in a lifetime Internet offer, you can purchase famous bridges.

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Not all bridges go up in value, the Bradley Bridge Exchange guarantees that your own personalized bridge will retain its minimum value for at least one full year.

The famous Golden Gate Bridge was originally offered through The Bradley Bridge Exchange for a mere 35 dollars. In the 57 times it has since been re-sold, its value has increased to an astounding 10 million dollars! No other LEGAL investment could give that kind of return so quickly.

Look at the fine craftsmanship of this early American George Washington Bridge:

Note the detail in the rust, the unique yO maMa mural which captures the American dream and the fine cracked metal work in these steel supports. You will not find any composites or reinforced concrete here.

Bridges are not owned by the city, state or country. Bridges are owned by the contractors that build them. They are then purchased by the Bradley Bridge Exchange.
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In addition to the potential of increasing of the physical value, bridges can actually generate INCOME through the use of tolls.
Not only am I an owner of a bridge I am also a user!
Insurance is un-necessary. There has never been a theft of a major bridge in the history of The Bradley Bridge Exchange.
Bridges also make useful homes for transients which will make you appear in good standing in your community.

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Please E-Mail us directly at BBE@cash.be.ours with your credit card number. System operators are standing by.

Rosey and Nina
were best of friends and tried to do everything together. Rosey announced
that she was going to start a diet to lose some pounds she had put on
recently.
"Good," Nina exclaimed. "Im ready to start a diet too.
We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. And when I feel the
urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, Ill call you first."
"Great," Rosey replied. "Ill ride with you to Burger
King."

The first is a cunning array of stunts!

The Rabbi is retiring after 50 years work so he goes to one of his congregation who is a leatherworker and reveals his lifelong indulgence.I have kept ever circumcised foreskin from every boy in my congregation and I have long planned to make something from them for my retirement so that I may remember them all in the twilight of my life.Ok says the leatherworker give me a week to think about it.A week later he goes back and the leatherworker says I’ve got an idea but it will take some work, give me a month.A month later the rabbi returns and he tells him I need another month so he waits another month and goes back.Ok it’s ready says the leatherworker just see what I made you…. A beautiful wallet.The Rabbi says A WALLET A WALLET?
My life’s work and you give me a wallet?Ah says the leatherworker but this is no ordinary wallet………You rub it and it turns into a suitcase!

CONTADOR: Es el que sabe el costo de todo y el valor de nada.

AUDITOR: Es el que llega después de la batalla y patea a los heridos.

BANQUERO: Es un tipo que te presta su paraguas cuando hay un sol radiante y te lo reclama al instante que empieza a llover (Mark Twain).

ECONOMISTA: Es un experto que sabrá mañana por qué lo que predijo ayer no sucedió hoy.

ESTADÍSTICO: Es alguien que es bueno con los números pero carece de personalidad suficiente como para ser contador.

ACTUARIO: Es alguien que lleva una bomba de mentiras cuando vuela, porque eso disminuye las posibilidades de que haya otra bomba en el mismo avión. (Laurence J. Peter).

PROGRAMADOR: Es el que te resuelve un problema que no sabías que tenías de una manera que no comprendes.

FÍSICO CUÁNTICO: Es un hombre ciego en un cuarto oscuro, buscando un gato negro que no esta allí.

ABOGADO: Es una persona que escribe un documento de 10.000 palabras y lo llama sumario (Franz Kafka).

PSICÓLOGO: Es aquel que mira a todos los demás cuando una mujer atractiva entra en la habitación.

CONSULTOR: Es alguien que te saca el reloj de tu muñeca, te dice la hora y te cobra por ello.

DIPLOMÁTICO: Es quien te dice que te vayas a la tiznada de un modo tal que te quedas ansioso de que empiece el viaje.

ARQUITECTO: Es alguien que no es lo suficientemente gay como para ser decorador de interiores ni lo suficientemente hombre como para ser ingeniero.

John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, Im very sorry officer, I didnt realize it was out, Ill get it fixed right away.

Just then Jessica said, I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.

So the officer asked for Johns license and after looking at it said, Sir your license has expired.

And again John apologized and mentioned that he didnt realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.

Jessica said, I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.

Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, Jessica, will you shut up!

The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. Does your husband always talk to you like that?

Jessica replied, only when hes drunk.

When the judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.
The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called,
Crook, come forward. Five of the prisoners entered the
courtroom.