Old and New Jokes

Why do mummies have trouble keeping friends?

Theyre so wrapped up in themselves…

Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?

A: She kept having affairs with men!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when



they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship



that had harpooned his father many years earlier.



He said to the female whale, Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of



our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and



sink.



They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon



however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were



swimming to the safety of shore.



The male was enraged that they were going to get away and said to the



female, lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the



shore. At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming



reluctant to follow him.



Whats the matter darling?



Look, she said, I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse



to swallow the seamen.

Three men were walking down the road when they saw a bottle. They picked it up and a Genie popped out. He said, Since there is 3 of you, I will give you one wish each. So the first man, wanting to be clever, wished to be 50% smarter than he already was, and POOF he was. The next guy, wanting to be cleverer than this first guy, wished to be 75% smarter than he already was, and POOF he was. The last guy, thinking he was cleverer than the other two, wished to be 100% smarter than he already was and POOF, he turned into a woman.

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man. After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said Oh my God buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU, To which the second guy responded Well alright sweetie! Its been a long time for me too.

The first man exclaimed Oh hell, there go my Sundays!

Ive worked for bosses both tuff & easy-going; sane & eccentric (bosses are never crazy), but by far the oddest was one who liked to hang mottos on the wall. One infamous sign posted read: I realize all work and no play will make one a dull person; however here, all play and no work will make one a street person.

Did ya ever notice an interviewer making notes during the process? I saw one actually cross-out one of my answers on the application. Where it said Sex: and I had answered, I do OK. He had the gull to cross my response and put down crazy man.

Walking by two secretaries one day, I actually heard one say: Its simply fantastic the amount of work you can get done, if you dont do anything else all day.

Anyone whos ever worked in an office is familiar with the endless collections for this charity or that person. I heard one tired & overworked secretary respond one day to a request for a donation to the Sexual Freedom League, that she gives enuff at home.

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Paradise, God appeared and said, I want the men to make two lines: one line for the men who were true heads of their household and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St Peter. Soon, the women were gone and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.God said, You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you to be the head of your household. You have been disobedient and not fulfilled your purpose. I told you to be the spiritual leader in your family. Of all of you only one obeyed. Learn from him. Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line? The man replied, I dont know, my wife told me to stand here.

Late one Saturday night, after a long and difficult day of visiting hospitals, nursing homes and elderly members of the congregation, a Southern Baptist preacher was making his weary way home.

As he traveled the hilly, curving country road, he overtook a car. The slow moving car was weaving from one side of the road to the other in a most disturbing manner. Being familiar with most residents of the area he recognized the car as belonging to a member of his congregation.

Oh no, said the preacher to himself, Frank Johnson has fallen off the wagon again. The way that car is weaving, he must be really plastered. I better pull up beside him and get him to stop before he hurts himself.

Putting thought to action, the preacher pulled along side Franks car just in time for the next swerve to run him off the road. Over the shoulder, down a steep bank, the preachers car rolled over twice and came to rest against a large pine tree.

Not completely senseless to the world, Frank stopped his car and staggered back to a point above the preachers car. Fortunately, the preacher had been using a seat belt. That and the relatively slow speed had prevented any injury.

When Frank saw someone struggling out of the wrecked car, he yelled, Who the hell are you?

The preacher yelled back, Frank Johnson, dont you talk to me like that.

My God preacher, that you?

Yes Frank, it is, and Ill thank you not to take the Lords name in vain. Its already bad enough that youre drunk.

You OK preacher?

Yes Frank, fortunately the Lord was with me.

You better let him ride with me. Way you drive, you gona kill him.

Theres a teacher in a small Texas town. She asks her class how many of them are Bush fans. Not really knowing what a Bush fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy, Little Johnny.

The teacher asks Little Johnny why he has decided to be different.

Little Johnny says, Im not a Bush fan.

The teacher says, Why arent you a Bush fan?

Little Johnny says, Im a John F. Kerry fan.

The teacher asks why hes a Kerry fan, and Little Johnny says, Well, my moms a Kerry fan, and my Dads a Kerry fan, so Im a Kerry fan!

The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Texas, so she says, What if your Mom was a moron, and youre dad was an idiot… what would that make you?

Little Johnny says, Well, that would make me a Bush fan.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself Wouldnt it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no!!! My wifes dinner party!!! He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: Come on guys, were almost there!