Old and New Jokes

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure? She says, Why, officer? The officer replies, Because your breast is hanging out. She looks down and says, OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!

There once was a Humor List clown

Whose jokes always paused with Scroll Down

Yes it wastes lots of space

No there isnt a place

For such foolishness here in my town

New Years Resolutions for Internet Junkies…

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.

I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard

to estimate since Im not a clock watcher.

When I hear Where do you want to go today? I will not reply MS Tech Support.

When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, LOL… LOL!

I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than password.

I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.

I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…

I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Two very elderly ladies were enjoying the sunshine on a park bench in Miami. They had been meeting that park every sunny day, for over 12 years… chatting, and enjoying each others friendship.

One day, the younger of the two ladies, turns to the other and says, Please dont be angry with me, dear, but I am embarrassed, after all these years … What is your name? I am trying to remember, but I just cant.

The older friend glares at her at first. Then, looking very distressed, says nothing for 2 full minutes, and finally says, How soon do you have to know?

Cruise control in your truck involves fishing line, a pulley and a hook.

Your gear shift lever is a pair of vise grips.

Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a man sitting at the end with the smallest head hes ever seen. In fact, it is only about two inches high.

So, he sits down next to him and asks, How is that you have such a small head?

The man replies, Well you see, I was stranded on a deserted island and was combing the beach, when I came across an ornate bottle. When I opened it to see what was inside, a beautiful genie appeared and told me that I would be granted three wishes. My first wish was for a luxurious boat to take me home.

The man continues, A large yacht appeared just off shore. Then for my second wish, I asked to be wealthy, so I would want for nothing when I got home.

The man goes on, After a large pile of gold coins appeared on the deck of the yacht, I asked to make passionate love to the genie for my third wish. The genie told me that she could not do that, so I asked, How about a little head?

A midget with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting pissed off.

Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez.

Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth. Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed,picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horses twat.

The midget looked up at the owner and said. Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop.

What if Data Ran Windows98?

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, whats wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so. [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now.*
DATA: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. [LaForge pulls Datas left ear.]
PICARD: Shields… [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crushers station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Datas setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, dont you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I dont *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasnt knowledgeable about androids of Datas model. She specialized in industrial control robots. [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: Whats going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you cant really do anything with them. [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

Q.Whats te best pick up line in any state below the Mason-Dixon line?

A.Get in the truck!

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bobs favorite fast food.