Old and New Jokes

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?

Its a dog eat dog world out there. And theyre short on napkins.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Never trust a stockbroker whos married to a travel agent.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who dont.

Q: How many emergency room technicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but the bulb will have to spend 45 minutes in the waiting room.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever shot anyone for looking at you.

A man was walking down a beach and saw a bottle floating in the surf. He thought to himself, Oh, message in a bottle. He took out the cork and out popped a genie.

The genie said, Thank you for releasing me. Now you may have 3 wishes – however, Im a special genie. I love my mother-in-law, so anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will receive double.

The man first asked for a million dollar house on the beach. Poof! A gorgeous house appeared. Just then – POOF! – a house twice as big appeared next door and his mother-in-law was waving at him from the window.

He hurried inside to avoid her. As he was admiring his new house, he turned to the genie and said, For my second wish, put $10 million on that table.

Poof! There was so much money, it was falling off the table. Then POOF!! Next door, the money was flying out the windows – his mother-in-law got $20 million.

He was getting frustrated by this time and turned to the genie, OK, let me get this straight. Whatever I wish for, my mother-in-law gets double.

The genie said, Yes, Im the mother-in-law genie, and thats the way it works.

After scratching his head and thinking a bit, he suddenly turns to the genie and says, OK, for my third wish, beat me half to death!

We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bobs income. his wife told her best friend.

How do you two manage? And you even have kids!

We get along okay, her friend said. You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money.

Really? How can that be?

Well, by the time we get it all balanced, its too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!

Le dice Venancia a su esposo:

Manolo, te tengo dos noticias, una buena y una mala. La buena es que voy a tener un hijo, la mala es que no es tuyo, es de tu amigo Pepe.

Manolo se queda callado un instante y finalmente le responde:

Pues no hay problema, ¡no le decimos nada y nos quedamos con él!

Q: Whats the difference between getting a divorce and getting circumcised?

A: When you get a divorce, you get rid of the whole prick!

OUCH

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. Who is the most obedient? he asked. Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?

Five small voices answered in unison. Okay, dad, you get the toy.