Old and New Jokes

There once was a good Baptist Minister, who in order to make his familys budget go a little further, rode a bicycle to Church and to Church functions. One day his bike turned up missing. He searched everywhere, but could not find it. Since it was a very small town he lived in, and most of the town was in his parish, he assumed that one of his flock had strayed and stolen his bicycle.

He spoken with his Deacon about his quandry. The Deacon suggested that at the Sermon next Sunday, the Minister talk on the Ten Commandments. When he got to the Commandment Thou Shalt Not Steal, the Minister should turn on the Fire-and-Brimstone and preach like he had never preached before. The guilty part should then feel such remorse for their wrongdoing, that they would return the bike.

So Sunday came and the Minister gave his sermon. It was a good sermon but when he reached Thou Shalt Not Steal, there was no Fire-and-Brimstone. The Deacon was puzzled and asked the Minister why he hadnt really socked it to the thief.

Well said the Minister, I was all set to turn on the Fire-and-Brimstone like I had never done before. That part was to be my sermon to end all sermons. But when I got to the Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery part, I remembered where I had left my bicycle!

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
Hes the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.

Where does an Australian family go on holiday?
A different bar.

Did you bear about the Chinese couple that bad a disabled baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why arent there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they are not going to work in the future either.

What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Queensland Australian schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday the sex education class uses it.

Whats the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f***?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell Bingo.

Whats the Cuban national anthem?
Row, row, row, your boat.

Whats the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins, Once upon a time… while a Southern fairytale begins, Yall aint gonna believe this shit…

Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest Father, Ive done something terrible. I just know theyre going to throw me out of the church for this one.

Hold, on, says the priest, what have you done thats so bad theyre going to throw you out of the church?

Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then.

Theres nothing wrong with that, says the priest, youre allowed to have sex with your wife.

Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?

Well, the man said, they threw us out of the grocery store.

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

No! yelled the farmer, Dont throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, theyre delicious! Theyre called Sheep Fries!



The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmers wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.



On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, Its the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!

Two hobos are walking down railroad tracks, havent eaten in a couple days, and are starving. Ahead of them, lying on the tracks, is a dead buzzard….maggots crawling all over the badly decomposed bird…green flies swarming the stinking mass. Stopping to stare at the smelly thing, one hobo says, Lets eat this bastard. The other hobo says, Naw, Im gonna wait and have a HOT meal. The first hobo replies, Well, Im too damned hungry to wait, Im eatin this fuckin buzzard. The second hobo says, Suit yourself, but I aint waitin on you, and starts down the tracks again. Ravenously, the first hobo begins stuffing the rotton bird into his mouth. After licking the last maggot from his lips, he looks down the tracks and sees his buddy….by now about a mile away… and takes off running to catch up. After running 10 minutes in the hot August sun, the hobo catches up to his buddy…..sweating…panting….stomach churning from the rotten buzzard hed just eaten. Suddenly he begins to puke….every bit of the rotten buzzard is now laying in a putrid mass on the tracks. The second hobo smiles at the first hobo and says, See?? I told you I was gonna wait for a HOT meal.

Wholesome

Q: What do you call a military coup led by General Kitchy Kitchy?

A: Kitchy-kitchy-koo.

Hasta La Vista, Virginity!
Its 1999 – So Thats How Many Times in a Row Well Be Playing That Damn Prince Song!
Trailer Parks n Rainbows
Whitehead Wonderland
The Future is Ours! (As Long As Youre Popular, Rich and Attractive – Otherwise, Dream On)
The Blue Ball
Fun With Heroin Chic
The Final Confirmation Of The Absolute Stupidity Of Our Jock-Dominated Social Microcosm 99!
Balloons, Schmalloons – Its Still the Gym
Bulimia on Parade
A Night of Peach Schnapps Vomit

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Worst Prom Theme…

Night of 1000 Premature Ejaculations

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
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Terrorist training camps looked a lot nicer in the brochure
I didnt join the Taliban, I was interning for the Taliban
I lost a Super Bowl bet
Dazzled by the Taliban commercials that aired during one of Kathie Lees Ramadan specials
What kid doesnt grow up dreaming of being the next Mullah Omar?
Al Qaeda? Oh man, I thought I was fighting for Ralph Nader
Since when is fighting against your country with an evil terrorist regime considered treason?
Got tired of wearing clean clothes and not getting shot at
Like youve never joined an international terrorist ring!
Oh, I thought this was a paintball game

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