Old and New Jokes

A screw driver turns in screws and Clinton screws interns.

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play – normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear.

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.

16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?

Uhh, oh yeah, O.K. responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, Well how much did you give the boy this time?

Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him.

Thats $1020!!! yelled Dad, Are you going crazy???

Dont worry hon, Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!

Is this the first time youve seen this many pagans together? Well,
youre in for a deflowering, young earth-worshipper, and youve come to
the right place. However, you should realize that there are many, many
types of pagans. We old farts just had to keep making the rounds until we
either found a group that wouldnt kick us out or founded our own clique.
But now, progress has brought us many different flavors to choose from.

Bright-Eyed Novice

You just read this cool book about a religion where theres
_goddesses_ and gods, and they meet outside, in nature, instead of in
some scary old building, and you want to know where to sign up.

Distinguishing Signs: Mispronounces god/dess names,
has to think a moment about which is widdershins and which is deosil.
Has a shiny new athame (rhymes with A-frame).

I Remember Woodstock

Did I ever tell you about the time I dropped with Kerry Wendell
Thornley? Or maybe it was Robert Anton Wilson. I was pretty loaded.
Anyway, it was somebody with three names. Or was it three people who had
one name?

Distinguishing Signs: Luxuriant gray locks, listens very
intently, knows dish about people youve read about.

Treehugging Nature Spirit

Prize possession: one of Judi Barrys old tree spikes. Simultaneously
believes in universal love for humanity AND returning the planet to a
pristine, uncorrupted state. Apt to remove clothes and fondle the
shrubbery at a moments notice. Can discuss compost in detail.

Distinguishing Signs: No meat, no fragrance, no
leather, no eco-exploitative garments, no animal tested cosmetics, no
cigarette smoke, no drugs, no TV, no car, no corporations, yet very
tolerant.

Anal-Retentive Ceremonial

Book collection actually holds up the ceiling in places. Is trying
to learn how to speak Greek, Latin, and Hebrew, all at once. Does
workings instead of rituals. Has a web site that is all in Enochian.

Distinguishing Signs: Wont go anywhere without a
book. Dresses according to planetary coordinates, or according to what
Mom finds on sale at Wal-Mart.

Womyncentric Gynocrat

A mans shadow crossed her altar once and she spent three months
purifying it. Shell have no wands in her chalice, thank you. No boys
allowed in her full moon club.

Distinguishing Signs: Tiny axes, just the right size
for amputating a penis, are a favored symbol and often hang conveniently
from her body parts. When a man approaches she rolls her eyes and stops
talking.

Is This Where the Big, Smart Women Hang Out?

Oh, theyre so nice. All that warm, round, sex positive flesh . . . and you
can actually carry on a conversation with them between orgasms . . .
pant, drool.

Distinguishing Signs: Cute. Horny. Will recite love
poetry to you under the full moon. Likes to do it outdoors. Often
destitute. All too few of them.

Hey Boss, Id Like to Take February Second as a Personal Day

Has an entire chapter in their Book of Shadows concerned with spells for
purifying the work place. Doesnt mind working on Christmas, especially if
theres overtime involved. Quit being overtly pagan at work since getting
canned by that closet born again, yet still refuses to say Merry Christmas.

Hi Diddly Dee, Its a Pagan Celebrity

At conventions, stays on the hotel floor that requires a special key
for elevator access. Lurks around hallway corners eavesdropping in order
to see if name is being mentioned. Arrives in helicopter especially for
ritual. Never seen unaccompanied by beefy Amazonian bodyguards.

Distinguishing Signs: Always has plenty of books to
autograph and will personally sell them to you at a slight discount from
cover price. When you anyone they dont already know.

Childe Ov Kaos

Can name seventeen different industrial bands without pausing to
think. Knows what a Prince Albert is. Sleeps in black leather jammies.
Painted on their jacket, engraved in their flesh or boldly displayed as
jewelry is an emblem which resembles a combination of a corporate logo
and an arcane sigil. If you dont know what it is, theyll think youre a
dweeb.

Distinguishing Signs: Easy to picture as a bike
messenger or alternative musician, difficult to visualize as a
schoolteacher or research assistant, impossible to imagine as a TV anchor
or bank president. Personally feels that if no panicky headlines appear
the day after you do a ritual, you screwed up.

Scary Devil Worshiper

Wont go skyclad. Rarely smiles, except for in a smug, knowing way
which insinuates you are an ignorant peasant worthy of conquer. Secretly
enjoys Rush Limbaugh and The Bell Curve. Fascinated with Nazis.
Probably wouldnt hurt a fly; yet want you to think they are capable of
vast destruction.

Distinguishing Signs: Lots of black and red. Men
like goatees, women would be wise to stay far away.

Crowley-in-a-Past-Life

Every magickal gathering has at least one Crowley-in-a-past-life,
along with several variants along the lines of Gerald Gardner, Tituba,
Morgan Le Fay. Many of them were abducted by aliens recently, or have
had disturbing dreams rich with symbolism which they will tell you, in
great detail.

Distinguishing Signs: Look for the intense gleam in
eyes, the backpack rattling with various psychiatric medicines, the
garments that were clearly designed and tailored in outer space.

Ravin Pagan

Young and psychedelic. Refuses to do boring Eurocentric rituals and
prefers deities from sunny climes with many interesting local plants.
Can say Ayahuasca ten times, fast. Never goes anywhere without a
ritual drum.

Distinguishing Signs: Colors that hurt your eyes
unless youve taken ecstasy. Bloodshot eyes, peaceful smile, can deliver
long quotes from Terrance McKenna.

Fairie Queen

Is he a he? Is she a she? Are they a couple, or are those two a couple, or
are all four of them a quadruple? If the answers to these questions could
upset or disturb you, best stay away. If, however, the answers to these
questions seem overly nosy and judgmental, you might have a real good time.

Distinguishing Signs: When you look at this person,
does every sex act youve ever experienced in your life seem hopelessly
vanilla? If so, then congratulations — you have found a faerie.

High Episcopagan

Do their rituals have a script, a choreographer, a lighting director, an
orchestra and last three hours? Its a High Episcopagan! It can memorize
pages and pages of Olde Englishe, it has more ritual outfits than most people
have socks, it considers its main pagan influences to be Gerald Gardner, Judy
Garland, and Busby Berkeley.

Distinguishing Signs: Book of Shadows exceeds five
volumes (or five megs of hard drive space). Knows every note of Carmina
Burana. Better not ask about that 18th century seed pearl trim on the
robes.

Fundamentapagan

If its in a book, it must be true. If its in an old book, it must
be really true. If its in an old book that was supposedly
handed down by oral transmission from people who couldnt read, then it
must really be way true. Has hissy fits if anyone
shows up at a circle wearing a watch, glasses, or other mechanical
assistance. Believes that anyone who has never sustained themselves from
their own land, using only primitive agricultural methods, dare not call
themselves a pagan.

Distinguishing Signs: Gnashes teeth when the old
Crowley ghosted Gardners Books argument comes up. Goes around
correcting everyones gaelic/old norse/latin/babylonian.

Dances with Bunnyrabbits

Uses animal symbolism to express nearly all opinions and feelings. Charter
member of PETA. Thinks meat eaters should be publicly executed. Has many,
many pets. Has a spirit animal.

Distinguishing Signs: Not counting the pagan
his/herself, how many animals can you find in this picture? if the count
surpasses five (including critters found on tattoos, jewelry, garments
and undies), you have found a Worshiper of Beasties.

Priests and Priestesses of Politikal Korrectness

Analyzes everything they hear for
sexist-racist-homophobic-imperialist-Eurocentric content without paying
attention to what is actually being said. Believes in personal liberty
— everyone has the right to be overbearing, dogmatic and
holier-than-thou; not just the religious right. Incredibly boring and
annoyingly righteous at the same time.

Distinguishing Signs: Beady, hyper alert little eyes
are constantly in motion, waiting for someone to say or do something bad.
Constantly has loud and attention-attracting fits when confronted with
everyday things such as advertising and corporate franchises. Rudimentary
sense of humor rarely activated.

Our Lady of Intense Suffering

Is constantly persecuted. You are probably persecuting her right now,
you just dont realize it. Became a pagan because she decided it was the
most persecuted religion of all. Cant enjoy anything because it would
be selfish to have fun when so many are suffering.

Distinguishing Signs: Tales of woe. Even less of a
sense of humor than the Priestess of Politikal Korrectness. Bristles
whenever you use the word masochism or whining.

I Am Not Spock (at the moment)

Knows at least three filks about Cthulu and at least forty Star Trek jokes.
Has found a clever way to create simple furniture from stacks of science
fiction paperbacks. Can name ninety different kinds of space ship.

Distinguishing Signs: Two-fisted drinking style.
Many cryptic buttons, badges, patches and other insignia. Too smart for
their own good.

Het-Case

Insist that they arent homophobic; they just think that paganism is
about a god and a goddess and they do it, and what could be more simple
than that, and it just doesnt work right if you try it any other way.

Distinguishing Signs: Signifiers of het-dom such as
long, manicured nails and wreaths of flowers (on females _only_; the
males have big, bushy beards instead). Are secretly afraid gays and/or
lesbians are dying to jump their tender hetero bones.

Norse Code

Heroic and vikingly, these pagans often get into trouble with festival
organizers due to their fondness for running around carrying a battle-axe in
one hand and a full mead horn in the other. They do throw the best parties,
but if youre a wimp, you are expressly not invited.

Distinguishing Signs: Look out for the large and
foreboding persons wearing runes, with many pounds of amber dangling from
their necks.

Pentacles, Inc.

This is where all the people who are into paganism come, right? So
how come they arent buying my hand-forged Venus of Willendorf necklaces
— they come in silver or gold, and each one has a genuine cubic
zirconium belly button. Would you like a reading? Will that be Visa or
Master Card?

Distinguishing Signs: Business cards feature little
embossed pentagrams. Rarely leaves the dealers room and cant believe
there are so many jewelry sellers present.

Monster Truck Pagan

Can grow their own food, build their own house, sew their own clothes,
homeschool their children and brew their own organic hooch. Are looking
forward to the bleak, post-apocalyptic world postulated by the
environmentalists as they cant wait to run amok through the country,
worshipping ancient gods, blowing up strip malls and rutting on the divider
line of every interstate.

Distinguishing Signs: Resourceful, clever and very
well versed in the U. S. Constitution. Eats meat with visible twitches
of pleasure. is aware that primitive religions have nothing to do with
crystals, Atlantis or unicorns. Can assume a properly smiley work
persona at the drop of a hat. Constantly glances around the room
anxiously looking for co-workers and their spies. Non-distinctive hair,
no conspicuous tattoos.

… You may be a monster-truck pagan if your anointing oil is 30 weight.

… You may be a monster truck pagan if cakes & wine means tailgate party.

… You may be a monster truck pagan if Autumn is the Burning Time.

Once there was a preachers wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the damn ham.

She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs.

HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT IM THE PREACHERS WIFE!

The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered, Oh, no maam its called the damn ham. She bought one of the hams.

Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the damn ham. He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs.

HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT IM THE PREACHER!

She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the damn ham.

At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the damn ham.

Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said, Thats the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what hes doing.
Im sending out 1,000 Valentines Day cards signed, Guess who?

But why? asks the man.

Im a divorce lawyer.

Sheldon Scheney sent me this article in response to my post about the competition between San Joses Mayors office and San Joses Police department as to which was funnier.

I had heard about the drug lord wedding sting. I always enjoy a good sting. The pawn shop sting was used successfully in Washington DC a few years ago. One of my favorites, if not quite a sting, was back when truckers were forming convoys to scoff the 55 mile an hour speed limit. Maryland State Police had an 18 wheeler they had confiscated hauling something illegal, so they used it as an unmarked police car. It would infiltrate convoys, identify the trucks, one by one as it either passed them or was passed by them, then the whole convoy was stopped and everybody ticketed.

Another I enjoyed was last December as I was driving up route 95 – a favorite highway up the east coast from Florida past many east coast cities like Washington, Baltimore, Philadelphia, New York, heavily used by drug traffickers and individuals who dabble in drugs. On a long, straight stretch of highway in South Carolina, there was a big sign that read: SLOW. DRUG CHECK POINT AHEAD. About 2 miles ahead, you could see blue and red flashing lights on both sides of the highway. Just after the sign was an exit.

We were planning to exit there anyway, as we were hunting a place called Old Sheldon. (My name is Sheldon, and Im no spring chicken.) I commented to my wife, Thats not too smart – warning people in time for them to exit….unless the check point is down the exit. Sure enough, the exit road twisted back and forth a few times, then we went around a curve and there everybody was – cops all over the place, cars being disassembled, little white bags sitting on the ground, and a lot of very worried looking people standing around.

Since the exit was out in the middle of nowhere, anybody exiting there was a prime suspect. They asked me for identification and why I exited there. (There werent even any gas stations to give you an excuse.) I pointed out my name was Sheldon and I was looking for a place called Old Sheldon. They told us to stay in the RV. They walked a drug sniffing dog around it and opened the back where the spare tire, electric plug, and sewer hose was, then they waved us through a couple of minutes later. That gave us enough time to observe what was going on.

We have local idiots in Maryland too. Montgomery county (Which I moved out of 5 years ago) is one of the three or four richest counties in the country. Northwestern High School was enlarged at a cost of $2 million. The following year, it was closed due to declining enrolement. A few years later, Blair H.S. needed major renovation because it was one of the oldest in the county. They decided to tear it down and replace it – but not on the same site. They will build the new school on a county run golf course close to where Northwestern was and replace the golf course by buying other land nearby – which is about the only undeveloped land in the area (formerly a country club until a highway went through it – and presently used by the YMCA. And very expensive per acre, Im sure. And you need more land for a golf course than for a school.) No wonder taxes are so much lower where I live now – and the services as just as good.

Dos amigos se encuentran despues de un tiempo sin verse:

Oye Juan, pero como has subido de peso, tu que apenas pesabas unos kilos, cual es el método.

Muy sencillo, lo único que hay que hacer es no discutir por nada nunca llevar la contraria.

No, pero no será por eso compadre, tiene que haber otra cosa.

Ah, pues como usted diga, seguro que no será por eso…

A guy was trying to console a friend whod just found his wife in bed with another man. Get over it, buddy, he said. Its not the end of the world.

Yeah, its easy for you to say, answered his buddy. But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, Id break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass.