Old and New Jokes

A midget with a heavy lisp goes to a horse farm to purchase a horse. The owner of the farm takes him through to look at all of his horses. The owner is really getting pissed off.

Finally, the last horse and the midget decided that he really wanted this horse. So he ask the owner if he could lift him up so he could look at the horses eyes. The owner did as the midget asked, and the midget said Oh my, thse got very pretty eyez.

Then the midget ask if he could lift him up so he could see her teeth, Then the midget said Oh wow, thse got wonderful teeth. Then the midget ask if he could see her twat. The owner, being very pissed,picked him up, and rammed him in and out of the horses twat.

The midget looked up at the owner and said. Oh my, yes she does have a very fine twat, but I guess I thoud have asked to see her gallop.

What if Data Ran Windows98?

WORF: Captain, there are three Romulan warships uncloaking dead ahead.
PICARD: On screen. [The main viewing screen changes to a pattern of horizontal lines, each only a single pixel wide.]
PICARD: Data, whats wrong here?
DATA: Captain, the main viewscreen does not have sufficient video memory to display an image of this size. May I suggest that you select a lower resolution?
PICARD: Make it so. [The screen blanks, and then an image appears, with big, blocky square pixels. Three objects appear in the center, which could be Romulan warbirds, but which actually look more like the aliens in Space Invaders.]
PICARD: Data, open a hailing channel to the Romulans.
DATA: Aye, sir. [Data picks up an hourglass from the floor beside him, turns it over, and places it on the console in front of him. He punches some buttons on the console and sits motionless for several seconds. A flash of light blossoms from one of the Romulan ships on the viewscreen.]
WORF: Incoming plasma torpedo, Captain!
PICARD: Shields up!
DATA: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
PICARD: What on earth do you mean? Data, this is *important*! I want those shields up *right now.*
DATA: Im sorry, Captain, but I am still attempting to complete your last instruction. I must ask you to wait until I have finished before you issue your next command.
LAFORGE: Allow me, captain. [to Data] Control-alt-delete, Data. [Data removes the hourglass from the console, and returns it to the floor.]
DATA: The Romulans are not responding to my hails. Press my nose to cancel and return to Windows. Pull my left ear to close this communications channel which is not responding. You will lose any information sent by the Romulans. [LaForge pulls Datas left ear.]
PICARD: Shields… [There is a tremendous explosion. The bridge shakes violently, and all the crew members are thrown to the floor. A shower of sparks erupts from Wesley Crushers station at the helm, throwing Wesley back away from the console.]
PICARD: Up, Data!
DATA: Aye, sir.
RIKER: All decks, damage report!
WORF: Captain, Ensign Crusher is injured. He appears to be unconscious. [Data picks up the hourglass again, places it on his console, and punches some more buttons. He waits a few seconds, then puts the hourglass back on the floor.]
DATA: Shields are now up, captain.
PICARD: And not a moment too soon. Worf, lock all phasers on the lead Romulan ship.
WORF: Aye, sir. [He punches buttons on the weapons console.]
PICARD: Mr. Data, take the helm, and prepare for evasive action.
DATA: I am sorry, sir, but I do not have the proper device driver installed for that console.
PICARD: Well, damn it, install the right one.
DATA: Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Number One, where do we keep Datas setup implants?
RIKER: I left them with Geordi.
LAFORGE: What!!? I thought you still had them!
PICARD: Data, dont you have device drivers stored in your internal memory?
DATA: Not found, sir. Please insert Setup Implant #1 in my right nostril.
PICARD: Data, I dont *have* Setup Implant #1.
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Abort!
DATA: Not ready reading right nostril. Abort, Retry, Fail?
PICARD: Well, fail, then!
DATA: Current nose is no longer valid. [Data walks over to the helm, and presses several buttons. The ship lurches, the images of the Romulan warships suddenly shift to one side of the viewscreen, and a high-pitched whining noise is heard coming from somewhere else in the ship.]
LAFORGE: [alarmed] Data, what the hell are you doing?
PICARD: Number One, do we have a customer service number for Data?
RIKER: Yes sir, but last time I tried to call them, I got put on hold for two hours before I was able to talk to anyone. And that person wasnt knowledgeable about androids of Datas model. She specialized in industrial control robots. [Suddenly, the lights all go out, the viewscreen goes blank, and all the usual noise of fans, motors, and so on whines to a halt. After a few seconds, the red emergency lights come on. Data is standing by the console, absolutely motionless.]
PICARD: Whats going on?
LAFORGE: [checking the helm console] Lieutenant Data has caused a General Protection Violation in the warp engine core.
PICARD: These androids look really sharp, but you cant really do anything with them. [The shimmer of the transporter effect appears, and six Romulans in full battle dress materialize on the bridge. A seventh figure, a Ferengi, appears moments later.]
FERENGI: [with a mercenary grin] Can I interest you in a Macintosh, Captain?

Q.Whats te best pick up line in any state below the Mason-Dixon line?

A.Get in the truck!

Internet – Where cafeteria workers put their hair.

Keyboard – Where you hang the keys to the John Deere.

Mac – Big Bobs favorite fast food.

Seen in the latest copy of Windows Sources Magazine

Reprinted without their permission.

To: Windows R & D

From: Bill Gates

Re: Lack of progress in extending Windows interface to noncomputer environments

I am quite concerned about your recent report detailing what you call problems in extending the Windows interface to products other than computers. The growth of Microsoft is dependent on our ability to extend Windows to every aspect of business, home, and society. After all, we all own MS stock, and if you want to become a billionaire, too, you will, Im sure, learn to minimize the effects of what others call reality and laws of physics. Heres some feedback on the first wave of Windows-ready products.

WINDOWS TOASTER:

This is one of the few products on which we have any agreement. You agree that tapping on a minimize arrow will lower the bread into the toaster and that tapping a maximize arrow will make the slices pop out again. But you complain that you cant figure out any way that double-clicking on the box will reduce the size of the toaster to a 1-inch cube. Let the toaster companies worry about it. Its a hardware problem.

MOUSE-CONTROLLED CAR:

Im happy to see weve made more progress in developing a mouse that can steer a car. But you still object to tapping the left button to make the car go and the right button to apply the brakes. You say it will be confusing to drivers who are used to the gas pedal on the right and the brake on the left. Thats a user problem. We cant be changing our button standards to accommodate such out-moded technology as automobiles. You also mention that havin to lift up the mouse, move it back and scoot it forward again just to keep the car going means that cars wont travel more than 33 mph. Dont worry. If the drivers are Windows users, theyll live with the slowness. By the way, what has become of the preliminary plans to replace a cars four wheels with one large roller?

WINDOWS VACUUM CLEANER:

If its technically possible to create a vacuum cleaner with 100 levels of undo, lets do it. Yes, I know that an undo feature is probably not a meaningful feature on a vacuum; unless you suck up the cat, of course. So why do we need 100 levels of undo?

Consistency. We dont know why anyone needs 100 levels of undo in Word, either, so we may as well be consistent.

Best wishes,

B.G.

David Clough

Portland, OR

Not connected with Windows Sources magazine in any way, shape or form.

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other. There was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. Could I please sit in that seat he asked.

The lady was insulted. You Americans are so rude she said, cant you see my dog is sitting there?

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home – so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down he said.

The lady replied, You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant she said.

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, Lady, Ive been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?

The lady replied, You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down.

The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the ladys description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsofts rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//

Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagainagain/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesnt work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really dont want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after 98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.

Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

A retired US Marine was looking for a new job. He finally found one that appealed to his interests. At the interview, he was asked,"Do you have any military experience?"The Marine replied, "Why, yes! Ive been in the Marines for a couple of years.""I see," said the interviewer, "any disabilities?"The Marine looked at him and replied shakily. "Well… In the Vietnam War I had a grenade go off between my legs, blowing off my testicles."The interviewer, quite shocked, said "All right, youre hired. Please report to work on Monday at 10:00am.""Wait wait!" shouted the Marine, "When do the others start? I dont want any special treatment just because of my disability."The interviewer replied, "Well… Ill tell you the truth. Everyone normally comes at 7:00 in the morning, but nothing gets done until 10. All we do is sit around, scratching our nuts trying to figure out what to do."

People dont judge your generosity by the amount of Advise you give away.

A group of the worlds leading computer scientists got together and created a gigantic computer. It had hundreds of 120 pentium chips linked together, more than 1,000 ten gigabyte hard drives and ran at speeds in excess of 5,000 MHz.

After months of feeding in data, the leading scientist sat down at the keyboard and typed in, Is there a God?

The answer instantly flashed up on the huge monitor, There is NOW!