Old and New Jokes

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters, to no-one in particular,

Well, I guess we answered THAT question!

What did Bill Gates wife say to him on his wedding night?

Now I know why you called your company Microsoft

• Be good and for your birthday Ill buy you a motorcycle!
• How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?
• Dont bother wearing a jacket–its quite warm out.
• Let me smell that shirt–yeah, its good for another week.
• I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity.
• Yeah, I used to skip school, too.

• Just leave all the lights on…it makes the house more
  cheery.

• Could you turn the music up louder so I can enjoy it, too?
• Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!

• Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever
  know.

• I dont have a tissue with me–just use your sleeve.

• Well, if Timmys Mom says its okay, thats good enough for
  me.

• Of course you should walk to school and back. Whats the
  big deal about having to cross a few main streets?

• My meeting wont be over till later tonight. You kids
  dont mind skipping dinner, do you?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dustin Hoffman!
Dustin Hoffman who?
Dustin Hoffman welcome mat for you!

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. I went to get a haircut, was the reply.
But, said the pastor, why didnt you do that before the service?
Because, the gentleman said, I didnt need one then.

This one is courtesy of the Daily Feed…

The old news is that Dan Qualye withdrew from the 96 race because he didnt have enough money.

The new news is that hes going to try again in 97.

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up – Down – Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says – Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???

Mike replies – No, he said – You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR KID IS TAKING DWEEBONICS CLASSES

10. They tilt their head sideways to smile.

9. When you ground them, they say, Your UI could really use some work.

8. They say, My dad can beat your dad at Quake.

7. Instead of laughing, they say, LOL.

6. They insult kids by saying, And youve got limited bandwidth!

5. They change the answering machine message to BRB, leave your URL, and well TTYL.

4. This is how they ask someone out on a date: Umm, uh, well…see ya!

3. Calling from camp, your homesick child says, Im roaming outside my service area!

2. When you ask if theyve finished their book report, they say, Its in beta, but itll ship in time.

1. Youre telling them something they dont want to hear. Theyre saying, NAK, NAK, NAK the whole time.

One woman says to another, I cant understand why you havent gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean hes so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!

The other woman replies with a smile, Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said, Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and hes gagging and thrashing about.

Ill be right over, the doctor said. In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husbands mouth.

Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.

I know, doc, she replied, but first Ive got to get the darn cat out of him!