23
Dec

Preparing for a Mammogram

The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:

1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) beetween the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.

2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice daily.

3. (Advanced) Situate yourself comfortably on your side on the garage floor. Place one of your breasts snugly behind the rear tire of the family van. When you give the signal, hubby will slowly ease the car into reverse. Hold for five seconds. Repeat on the other side.

23
Dec

Love – The Answers

Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to kids
ages 5 to 10. Their answers below are enlightening:

What is the proper age to get married?
Eighty-four! Because at that age, you dont have to work
anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in
your bedroom.
(Judy, 8)

Once Im done with kindergarten, Im going to find me a
wife!
(Tom, 5)

What do most people do on a date?
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.

(Mike, 10)

When is it okay to kiss someone?
You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to
buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause shell want to
have videos of the wedding.
(Jim, 10)

Never kiss in front of other people. Its a big embarrassing
thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be
willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few
hours.
(Kally, 9)

The Great Debate: Is it better to be single or married?
Its better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!
(Lynette, 9)

It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. Im just a
kid. I dont need that kind of trouble.
(Kenny, 7)

Concerning why love happens between two particular people
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to
do with how you smell. Thats why perfume and deodorant are
so popular.
(Jan, 9)

I think youre supposed to get shot with an arrow or
something, but the rest of it isnt supposed to be so painful.

(Harlen, 8)

On what falling in love is like
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life.

(Roger, 9)

If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I
dont want to do it. It takes too long.
(Leo, 7)

On the role of good looks in love
If you want to be loved by somebody who isnt already in
your family, it doesnt hurt to be beautiful.
(Jeanne, 8)

It isnt always just how you look. Look at me. Im handsome
like anything and I havent got anybody to marry me yet.

(Gary, 7)

Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long
time.
(Christine, 9)

Concerning why lovers often hold hands
They want to make sure their rings dont fall off because they
paid good money for them.
(Dave, 8)

Confidential opinions about love
Im in favor of love as long as it doesnt happen when The
Simpsons is on television.
(Anita, 6)

Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I
have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls
keep finding me.
(Bobby, 8)

Im not rushing into being in love. Im finding fourth grade
hard enough.
(Regina, 10)

The personal qualities necessary to be a good lover
One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even
if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills.

(Ava, 8)

Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores.

(Del, 6)

Dont do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might
get attention, but attention aint the same thing as love.

(Alonzo, 9)

One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure its
something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me.

(Bart, 9)

How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in
love
Just see if the man picks up the check. Thats how you can tell if
hes in love.
(John, 9)

Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will
get cold. Other people care more about the food.

(Brad, 8)

Its love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire.
They like to order those because its just like how their hearts
are…on fire.
(Christine, 9)

What most people are thinking when they say I love you
The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I
hope he showers at least once a day.
(Michelle, 9)

How a person learns to kiss
You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get
the best of you.
(Doug, 7)

It might help to watch soap operas all day.
(Carin, 9)

When is it okay to kiss someone?
Its never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you…Thats why I stopped doing it.
(Jean, 10)

How to make love endure
Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work.

(Tom, 7)

Dont forget your wifes name…That will mess up the love.

(Roger, 8)

Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you
never take out the trash.
(Randy, 8)

23
Dec

Bulls Eye

A duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree.


Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.


Who is this incredibly fine archer? cried the duke. I must find him!


After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow.


Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.


You didnt just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? asked the duke worriedly.


No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.


That is truly astonishing, said the duke. I hereby admit you into my service.


The boy thanked him profusely.


But I must ask one favor in return, the duke continued. You must tell me how you came to be such an outstanding shot.


Well, said the boy, first I fire the arrow at the tree, and then I paint the target around it.

23
Dec

Cheer Up!

The parachute company says youll get a full refund.

They say the house didnt float very far at all.

Were all amazed that you go on living each day.

Well, at least the operation was a partial success.

The National Enquirer just loved those nude shots of you.

The insects hardly touched your other eyebrow.

With the lights dimmed, it looks almost normal.

The District Attorney sez he only has a few more questions.

At least the passenger side air bag inflated.

Jenny Jones wants you for this secret admirer show.

The reward for your capture has reached fifty thousand dollars.

At least we never thought you were guilty like that Jury did.

The insurance pays the full book value ($ 312) for your 1956 T Bird.

The thieves left the push lawn mower and hedge trimmers.

Those Grand Juries always over-react. Dont worry about it.

Lots of guys face multiple paternity suits.

The boss said while youre sick, hed do all your work personally.

MicroSofts Tech Support said those errors just arent possible.

23
Dec

Best Headlines of the year…

Here are the best headlines of the year (yes, they are real)…1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies2. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says3. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers4. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted5. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case6. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms8. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope9. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over10. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands11. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms12. Eye Drops Off Shelf13. Teachers Strike Idle Kids14. Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead15. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Ax16. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told17. Miners Refuse To Work After Death18. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant19. Stolen Painting Found By Tree20. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter21. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years22. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One23. War Dims Hope For Peace24. If Strike Isnt Settled Quickly, It May Last A While25. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures26. Deer Kill 17,00027. Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide28. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge29. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead30. Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge31. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group32. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft33. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks34. Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy35. Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire36. Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood37. Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half38. New Vaccine May Contain Rabies39. Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

23
Dec

You might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever financed a tattoo.

22
Dec

In a survey of American

In a survey of American women, when asked, Would you sleep with President
Clinton? 86% replied, Not again.

22
Dec

Blonde -Laugh

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday? Tell her the joke on Monday!

22
Dec

Wedding dress problems

Our Pastor likes to use humorous stories to underline points in his sermon. This one was so good that most of us missed the rest of the sermon because we were writing it down.

Its a couple of days before a big wedding. The Bride comes up with some bad news for her mother: shes found out that the young Step-Mother of the Groom has bought the exact same dress to wear to the Wedding that she (the mother of the Bride) is planning to wear.

The Brides Mother tells her not to worry because she will just go and buy another dress to wear to the ceremony.

But mother, asks the Bride, What will you do with the dress that youve already bought?

Well, says mom, Ill just wear it to the rehearsal dinner.

21
Dec

If you shoot a mime,

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

Why call it take a dump, when you leave something behind?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container?

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?