Old and New Jokes

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His work mates were understandably curious:

Jack, what happened to you?!?

It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the ass of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldnt like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!

Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?

Naw…After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack — so I tried to poke it back in.

My friend was telling me about friendship and sharing… he said…
You know, If I had two dollars, Id give you one.

If I had two beers, Id give you one.

If I had two cookies, Id give you one.

But if I had two girlfriends, Id give you another dollar.

Things you dont want to hear during surgery:

Better save that. Well need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor – were going to need a mop

Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness

Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then whats that?

Hand me that…uh…that…uh…..thingie

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again…

Ya know, theres big money in kidneys. Hell, the guys got two of em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; its throwing my concentration off.

What do you mean he wasnt in for a sex change…!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?

Dont worry; I think its sharp enough.

What do you mean You want a divorce!

Shes gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: ‘Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.’

The man then replies: ‘Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.’

Un profesor de matemáticas quiere hacerles un chiste malo a sus alumnos:

Chicos, aquí les va un problema: un avión sale de Amsterdam con una velocidad de 400 Km/h; la presión es de 1.004,5 hectopascales; la humedad relativa es del 66% y la temperatura es de 20,4 grados centígrados. La tripulación está compuesta por cinco personas; la capacidad para los pasajeros es de 45 asientos; el baño está ocupado y hay cinco azafatas (pero una está en huelga). La pregunta es: ¿cuántos años tengo?

Los pequeños se miran asombrados. El silencio podía cortarse con un cuchillo. Entonces Pepito, desde el fondo del salón y sin levantar la mano, dice de pronto:

44 años, profesor.

El profe, muy sorprendido, lo mira y exclama:

Es cierto, tengo 44 años, pero ¿cómo adivinaste?

Lo que pasa es que tengo un primo de 22 años que es medio huevón (estúpido).

Se organizó un concurso de jaripeo internacional con los caballos más salvajes del mundo. El primer participante fue el ex-campeón mundial, de Houston, Texas. Cuando soltaron a la bestia e iniciaron el cronometraje del tiempo que permanecería montado, ni bien pasaron dos segundos, cuando el animal ya lo había arrojado por los aires.

El segundo participante fue un turco de inmenso tamaño, quien solamente resistió un segundo montado sobre el animal.

Luego de varios participantes que caían del caballo en menos de un segundo, le llegó el turno al actual campeón, originario de Montana, Estados Unidos. Su tiempo apenas rebasó los dos segundos.

Cuando estaban a punto de premiarlo por su victoria, desde el público un anciano indicó que era su turno de montar a la bestia. Los organizadores trataron de disuadirlo, pero el viejo se montó en el salvaje animal. Todos los presentes aseguraban que el octogenario caería muerto… Pero, para sorpresa de todos, el abuelo logró mantenerse encima del caballo cerca de dos minutos, hasta que el animal se cansó.

Todos los reporteros que cubrían el evento se acercaron a preguntarle cómo lo había logrado. Mientras recibía su premio en efectivo, el anciano respondió:

La respuesta es sencilla, hijos míos, llevo casado cincuenta años con la misma mujer y todo este tiempo, hasta en los momentos más íntimos, ella ha sufrido ataques epilépticos.

What do you call 500 Natives running on the race track?

The Indy 500.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around, does he become
disoriented?

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool. After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, Hey, you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and Im a 6 tall, 200 lb.blonde with a black belt in karate. Whats more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and shes a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and shes a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?

The blind guy thinks a moment and says, Nah, not if Im gonna have to explain it five times.

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE2. Isnt making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?3. OK…. so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans?4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that one enjoys it?5. If people from Poland are called Poles, why arent people from Holland called Holes?6. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?7. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?9. Why isnt the number 11 pronounced onety one?10. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?11. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?12. What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?13. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ….theyre cramming for their final exam.14. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why dont they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?15. If its true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?16. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.17. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?