Forty-year-old divorced guys have no trouble scoring with large-
breasted 18-year-old girls.
Forty-year-old divorced women have large-breasted 18-year-old
bodies.
Women cum about 20 times from straight missionary fucking.
Oral sex is the only way to wake your lover up.
The wife has a secret stash of toys the husband has no clue
about.
Anal sex requires very little preparation time. Even the first
time.
Married men love fantasizing about their wives having sex with
other men, and they will jump at the chance to let that fantasy
come true.
A woman whose male lover has spurned her will invariably be
a dyke by the end of the story.
Who needs condoms?
Young males get hard almost immediately after ejaculation (if
they indeed lose erection at all) and are able to perform on
multiple women (i.e. their own mothers and the mothers three
female friends).
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, Youve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted, Well, youre scaly, youre slimy, youve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youve got a forked tongue. I think youre a lawyer!
Q: How many cataloguers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but the Library of Congress has to do it first.
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.
Saint Peter: This fence needs some repair. Ill see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it.
Lucifer: If you want it fixed, you pay for it.
Saint Peter: The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount.
Lucifer: Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up, latch yourself to bar.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.
FAULT: The Bar is closing.
ACTION: Panic.
SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, Im not Santa Claus.
Mi abuela era muy conocida por su fe y por su falta de reticencia para hablar de ella. Ella solÃa salir al frente de su casa y decir: ¡Alabado sea el Señor!
Entonces, uno de sus vecinos gritaba: No hay ningún Señor.
En aquellos dÃas mi abuela era muy pobre, asà que su vecino decidió probar que él tenÃa razón y compró una gran bolsa de comida y la puso frente a la puerta de mi abuela.
La mañana siguiente, mi abuela salió al frente de la casa y al ver la bolsa dijo: ¡Alabado sea el Señor!
El vecino salió de detrás de unos árboles donde se habÃa escondido y dijo: ¡Yo traje esa comida, y no hay ningún Señor!
Mi abuela replicó: Señor, no sólo me enviaste comida, sino que hiciste que el demonio pagara por ella.
Whats a Jewish American Princesss idea of natural childbirth?
Absolutely no makeup.
Q: What do peroxide blondes and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
What do you call whites runing down a hill? An avalanche.
What do you call a bunch of blacks runing down a hill? A mudslide.
What do you call a bunch of mexicans running down the hill? A jailbreak.