Old and New Jokes

What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? SWIMMING TRUNKS !!!

Se encuentra Venancio a Manolo, que va rodando por la calle un enorme barril.

Manolo, ¿dónde vas con ese barril?

¡Pues dónde voy a ir, al doctor!

Joder, ¿y por qué vas con el barril ese?

Porque el médico me dijo que volviera con la orina al cabo de seis meses.

Did you know that Fedex and UPS joined together to make a company called FEDUP.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish Its a long story but one that will have you laughing out LOUD!!

Overview: I had to take my sons hamster to the vet. Heres what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. Hes just lying there looking sick, he told me, Im serious, Dad. Can you help?

I put my best hamster-healer look on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. (Call my wife.)

Honey, I called, come look at the hamster! Oh, my gosh, my wife diagnosed after a minute. Shes having babies. What? My son demanded.

But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!

I was equally outraged. Hey, how can that be?! I thought we said we didnt want them to reproduce! I accused my wife. Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?! She inquired. (I actually think she had the gall to say this sarcastically.)

No, but you were supposed to get two boys! I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). Yeah, Bert and Ernie! My son agreed. Well, its just a little hard to tell on some guys, ya know, she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, ya think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. Were about to witness the miracle of birth.

OH, Gross! They shrieked.

Well, isnt THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies? My wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Dont you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. We dont appear to be making much progress, I noted.

Its breech, my wife whispered, horrified. Do something, Dad! My son urged. Okay, okay. Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

Should I call 911? My eldest daughter wanted to know, Maybe they could talk us through the trauma. (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

Lets get Ernie to the vet, I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in hislap. Breathe, Ernie, breathe, he urged.

I dont think hamsters do Lamaze, his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to ME is one thing, but this boy is of her womb.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. What do you think, Doc, a c-section? I suggested scientifically. My son appeared impressed by my observation.

Oh, very interesting, he murmured. Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment? I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

Is Ernie going to be okay? My wife asked. Oh, perfectly, the vet assured us.

This hamster is not in labor. In fact, that isnt EVER going to happen Ernie is a boy.

What?

You see, Ernie is a young male AND occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um …. er … masturbate, just the way he did, lying on his back. He blushed, glancing at my wife. Well, you know what Im saying, Mr. Cameron.

We were silent, absorbing this.

So Ernies just … just … excited?! My wife offered.

Exactly, the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And laugh. And then even laugh loudly!

Whats so funny? I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face.

Its just … that … Im picturing you pulling on its … its teeny little … she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

Thats enough, I warned.

We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

I know Ernies really thankful for what youve done, Dad, he told me.

Oh, you have NO idea, my wife agreed, once again collapsing into laughter.

Enough said.

Q: How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.

A2: None. Get the drummer to do it.

21

Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. . . God, what does a million years mean to you? The Lord replies, A minute. Smith asks, And what does a million dollars mean to you? The Lord replies, A penny. Smith asks, Can I have a penny? The Lord replies, In a minute.

Customer: Now what do I do?

Tech Support: What is the prompt on the screen?

Customer: Its asking for Enter Your Last Name.

Tech Support: Okay, so type in your last name.

Customer: How do you spell that?

Excerpts from:

NutWorks
Electronic Humor Magazine.

Issue023, (Volume VI, Number III). May, 1988.

NutWorks is published semi-monthly-ish by
Brent C.J. Britton, <Brent@Maine.BITNET>

The AI Notebook
===============
by Johnathan R. Partington <JRP1@UK.AC.CAM.PHX>

More Triumphs in Artificial Intelligence
by Charles Cabbage

I related once how I managed to investigate the fundamental question How
many beans make five? by building intelligence into a tin of beans and
then asking it. But progress did not stop there.

A.I. people talk of the Fifth Generation–intelligent machines
that will be able to reason for themselves, leaving Mans mind free to
relax and listen to Bach without having to worry about things like Mathematics, The Weather Forecast and Why the Drinks Machine is Always Broken.

However most A.I. programs are in fact very stupid. If you ask them to
count sheep, 50% will produce an integer overflow in less than a minute,
25% of them will fall asleep, and 25% will involve themselves so deeply
on the problem that they will begin to think that they themselves are
sheep, and print the message BAA. Clearly modern A.I. research is proceeding on the wrong lines.

Being totally unprejudiced in these matters, I tried two new
approaches.

The first was to develop a program that would infallibly give irrelevant answers to questions. (This is the basis of Lateral Thinking.) Thus,
when asked, Do you like blancmange? my program replied, I think Mozart
shows a surer grasp of symphonic techniques. Likewise, when asked, What
is wrong with the job scheduler on this computer? it replied, It doesnt
smell as nice as dead mackerel. Unfortunately, owing to a bug in my programming, the program would occasionally act in an intelligent manner: in
particular it told me that A.I. was a waste of time and that it had
decided to retire to Sussex and keep bees. It still sends me pots of
honey occasionally.

My second approach was to aim for Artificial Wisdom rather than Intelligence. With the Japanese market in mind, I decided that using Zen might
be the easiest way of doing this. A sample conversation follows.

Q: Oh computer, are you able to demonstrate Wisdom?

A: <Displays a picture of a plastic cup being eaten by an alligator.>

Q: Er, yes. How many beans make five?

A: If you say that five beans make five, you deny their reality. But
nobody would say that six potatoes make five.

Q: Right on. Tell me, is Fermats Last Theorem true?

A: If you answer Yes or No you lose your own Buddha-nature. So how do you
answer?

Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?

A: Mu.

Q: I see, I see. Will it rain tomorrow?

However from then on my program refused to talk to me on the grounds that
I had not yet attained Enlightenment. I reluctantly deleted it.

Classified Ads
==============

SWF, promiscuous, seeks part-time lover for short relationship to make
old boyfriend jealous. Box 429.

SWM, promiscuous, seeks part-time lover to make old girlfriend jealous.
Box 182.

1. Weigh yourself
fully clothed after dinner and again the next morning without clothes
and before breakfast, because its nice to see how much weight youve
lost overnight!
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including eyeglasses. In this case,
blurred vision is an asset. Dont forget to remove jewellery as it could
weigh as much as a pound!
4. Buy only cheap scales, never the medical kind. Accuracy is the enemy
and high quality scales are very accurate.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for up to half a pound
of hair (hopefully).
7. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale. (Air has
weight, right?)
8. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto a towel
rod slowly edge your other foot onto the scale while slowly releasing
the towel rod. Admittedly, this takes time, but its worth it. You will
weigh at least two pounds less than if youd stepped onto the scale normally.