With a dog, you feed him, you give him plenty of affection, you take him for walks and he thinks, Wow, this guy must be a god.
With a cat, however, you feed him, you love him, you care for him and he thinks, Wow, I must be a god.
04
Mar
04
Mar
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
03
Mar
Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two, but its actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other ones shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.
03
Mar
Un nuevo empleado se presenta a trabajar a la oficina y, como todo empleado nuevo, se sentÃa un poco incómodo. En el transcurso de la mañana, observó que cada vez que algunos compañeros decÃan un número todos se ponÃan a reÃr. Curioso les pregunta:
¿Por qué cada vez que dicen un número se ponen a reÃr?
Es que aquà está prohibido que contemos chistes, asà que los tenemos enumerados y cuando alguien dice un número ya sabemos a que chiste se refiere y nos ponemos a reÃr.
Al dÃa siguiente, sintiéndose más en confianza, el nuevo empleado suelta:
El cinco.
Todos sus compañeros se quedan callados; inquieto el nuevo cuestiona:
¿Por qué no se rÃen?
Es que vos no tenés gracia para contar chistes.
03
Mar
Iba a haber un concurso de quien era el hombre que aguantaba más latigazos en la espalda.
Llega el norteamericano y lo ponen de espaldas y le empiezan a golpear con el látigo: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4… y 5… ¡YA YA YA! gritó el norteamericano.
Llega el francés: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4… y 5… y 6… y 7… ¡YA YA YA! grita el francés.
Finalmente toca el turno del mexicano, pero todo el publico se empieza a reÃr por el estado fÃsico del mexicano, flaco y chaparro… Entonces se acuesta y empiezan a los latigazos: y 1… y 2… y 3… y 4…. y 25… y 36… 56…
De pronto, a lo lejos se escucha la voz de unas personas que dicen: ¡QUE VIVA EL MUDITO, QUE VIVA EL MUDITO… QUE VIVA EL MUDITO!!!
03
Mar
Una vez un tipo extremadamente racista estaba en un bus bastante ocupado. El asiento a su lado estaba libre. Al llegar a la siguiente parada el hombre ve a una negra de 220 kilos con pelos debajo de los brazos, dos metros de estatura, llena de sudor. El hombre sin pensarlo dos veces pone un periódico en el asiento de al lado.
La negra se sube y el hombre le dice que el asiento está ocupado pero ésta le arrebata el periódico se lo lanza y toma asiento.
El hombre, lleno de rabia, se tapa la cara con el periódico y empieza a refunfuñar: ¡NEGRA, SUCIA, HEDIONDA, PELUDA, SUDADA, COCHINA…!
La mujer le toca un hombro interrumpiéndolo y le dice: Si lo que estás haciendo es un crucigrama sin duda alguna la respuesta es CUCA.
03
Mar
A scientist was going to do experiments on the functions
of the brain. So after gathering three volunteers, he decided
to see what would happen when he removed the left half of the
brain from the first man. After doing the operation he put
the man into a rowing machine who proceeded to row and count:
one…three…five…seven…
He wrote down the results and decided to see the effects
of removing the right side of the brain on his second volunteer.
After the operation he put the second man in the rowing machine
and he counted while he rowed: two…four…six…eight.
Finally, the scientist wanted to see what would happen
if he removed the entire brain. After doing so on the third
volunteer, he put him in the rowing machine and the patient
counted: uno…dos…tres…quatro…
03
Mar
Ole and Lena had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been together for thirty-five years, Ole went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, and the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A date for the hearing was set, however, and when the time came the judge demanded to know the grounds on which Ole based his request for an annulment.
Its like this, your honor, answered Ole. Ive just learned that Lenas father never had a license to carry that gun!
03
Mar
[Ed: From NutWorks, edited by Brent C. J. Britton]
Standard Disclaimer
From: Marc Kriguer <REMARCK@UCLASSCF>
(Origin: Daves Fido, Gardner, MA)
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03
Mar
MONDAYS:
08:00 – Husseinfeld
08:30 – Mad About Everything
09:00 – Suddenly Sanctions
09:30 – The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show
10:00 – Allah McBeal
TUESDAYS:
08:00 – Wheel of Fortune and Terror
08:30 – The Price is Right If Saddam Says Its Right
09:00 – Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things
09:30 – Iraqs Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers
10:00 – Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Dog Slayer
WEDNESDAYS:
08:00 – U.S. Military Secrets Revealed
08:30 – When Kurds Attack
09:00 – Two Guys, a Girl, and a Fatwah
09:30 – Just Shoot Me
10:00 – Veilwatch
THURSDAYS:
08:00 – Matima Loves Chachi
08:30 – M*U*S*T*A*S*H
09:00 – Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, ShapelessDresses
09:30 – My Two Baghdads
10:00 – Diagnosis: Heresy
FRIDAYS:
08:00 – Judge Saddam
08:30 – Funniest Super 8 Home Movies
09:00 – Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things
09:30 – Achmeds Creek
10:00 – No-witness News