Old and New Jokes

Q. What does an aboriginie call a sheet of corigated iron?

A. A doona!

Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?

A1: They both have a black box.

A2: Both have a cockpit.

Two Michigan football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Ohio State game the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank.

The last question read, Old MacDonald had a _________. Bubba was stumped. He had no idea what to answer. But he knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.

Making sure the professor wasnt watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. Pssst. Tiny. Whats the answer to the last question? Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadnt noticed then he turned to Bubba. Bubba, youre so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a FARM.

Oh yeah, said Bubba. I remember now. He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Tapping Tinys shoulder again, he whispered, Tiny, how do you spell farm?

You are really dumb, Bubba. Thats so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O.

Their personalities.

20 Easy Steps to Cook a Turkey

1. Go and buy a turkey.

2. Take a drink of whisky (scotch or bourbon).

3. Put turkey in the oven.

4. Take another two drinks of whisky.

5. Set the degree at 180 ovens.

6. Take three more whiskies of drink.

7. Turn oven the on.

8. Take four whisks of drinky.

9. Turk the bastey.

10. Whisky another bottle of get.

11. Stick a turkey in the thermometer.

12. Glass yourself a pour of whisky.

13. Bake the whisky for four hours.

14. Take the oven out of the turkey.

15. Take the oven out of the turkey.

16. Floor the turkey up off the pick.

17. Turk the carvey.

18. Get yourself another scottle of botch.

19. Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey.

20. Bless the saying, pass and eat out.

Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

Dear Brad,
With permission of the author, Terry Smith, Im submitting his
description of a practical joke that he and a friend played on
another friend as a birthday gag.

Terry is sastks@unx.sas.com.

The following account describes a practical joke played on a friend for
his 40th birthday. The submission comes from the narrator, Terry Smith.
Paul is Terrys partner in crime, while Mark is the poor sot having the
birthday. This really happened.

Minneapolis. Saturday.

11:00 AM – My friend Paul and I walk down the street in front of
Marks house. We are wearing surgical pants & shirt,
stethoscopes, weird translucent masks, and yellow plastic
fedoras. I am carrying a boom box playing the theme from
The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly. We are looking at a map
as though lost in this quiet, suburban neighborhood, yet
we do not ask Mark for directions. He is watching his baby
play in the yard as we pass. He stares, says nothing.

12:30 PM – Mark is sent to the grocery store. We are there, same
costumes, same music. But this time, we have small hand
mirrors. We flash signals at him from across the parking
lot as he walks into the store. He stares, does nothing.
While he is in the store, we place a handwritten note
under his windshield wiper. It says, Today is your
Day, Leviticus 9:14. A woman drives past and tells
us we look like gynecologists. We disappear.

2:00 PM – Mark, wife, and kid go to furniture store. Guess who shows
up? Right, us. Since we want to move in closer now, we
wrapped our faces completely in white gauze. We get very
very close, invading his personal space as he tries to
walk down the sidewalk with his family (his wife is in
on the whole thing). We do not talk – instead we make
small noises that sound like TWEET TWEET. We have tags
on our shirts that say Burn Victims. Paul holds an
international picture communication book in Marks face;
he points at a picture of a man playing golf. Mark is
very annoyed, but responds So you want to play some
golf? We say TWEET TWEET and nod our bandaged heads.
They all get in the car and drive away. Paul and I
stand silently next to the car as they exit.
The Good, the Bad, & the Ugly stings the ears of
innocent bystanders.

3:30 PM – Marks wife has made dinner reservations at a French
restaurant. Paul & I go there and speak with the manager
and tell him our plan. They buy the whole thing and
agree to cooperate in full.

7:00 PM – Mark and guests arrive dressed for a fancy dinner.
As they are seated, they notice a boom box in the corner.
It is playing the same weird music as earlier. Mark
doesnt seem to notice. He orders soup, gets it, and
discovers a bloody band-aid floating in it. He calls
the waiter (Rolf), and Rolf apologizes and goes to get
the managers – us. On that note, we appear from the
kitchen (where weve been having a little vino and
watching through a porthole). We are wearing tuxedos,
masks, yellow hats, and frantically saying TWEET TWEET
TWEET! Finally, we show ourselves, Mark laughs like a
raving maniac, we pull guns and kill the other guests,
we give Rolf a big tip and call it a night.

Yes it was one hell of a 40th birthday surprise. For his 50th
were talking about burning his house.

Picards female officers think the captains log is some kind
of wimpy electronic journal.
Ever see Kirk wearing a freakin jumpsuit?
Picard never met Joan Collins, but if he did, he still couldnt
get any.
Kirk never straightened out his shirt when he stood up.
Kirks name is hated throughout the galaxy.
There was no Klingon word for defeat – until they met Kirk.
Picard lets the chief of security wear a ponytail.
One question: what would Kirk have done if he saw a female doctor
bending over the operating table?
How they react to cute, cuddly creatures on the bridge?

Picard: Encourage science officer to adopt one.

Kirk: Beam their cute, cuddly, little butts aboard Klingon ship.
How they would react to Deannas mother?

Picard: Embarrassed tolerance.

Kirk: Bribe Q to time-travel her butt to the Ceti-Alpha system, and let her read
Kahns mind for a while.
How they spend their captains salary?

Picard: Wise inter galactic investments, and an occasional splurge on an ancient
archeological artifact.

Kirk: Blow it all on purple booze and green-skinned hookers.
Idea of a good time:

Picard: Wine-tasting with ambassadors.

Kirk: Toga party with Scotty.
Favorite character in 20th century Earth history:

Picard: Neville Chamberlain.

Kirk: Wilt Chamberlain.
What they do when confronted with a living entity that doesnt
speak English?

Picard: Try all reasonable and prudent means to communicate.

Kirk: If it moves, its toast.
What they do when Starfleet calls with unwanted directions?

Picard: Serious kissing of withered old admiral-butt.

Kirk: Leave communicator off the hook.
How would they relate to Counselor Troys mind-reading?

Picard: Purify thoughts with advanced Zen technique.

Kirk: Might as well get naked. She knows whats coming.
How do they use the holodeck?

Picard: Wimpy 1930s detective fantasies.

Kirk: Two words: virtual nookie.
Adolescent Years:

Picard: Squishing grapes in quaint French vineyard.

Kirk: Dating four-breasted cheerleaders in Xabulon system.
Fatherhood:

Picard: No known children.

Kirk: All known children.
How did they do at Starfleet academy?

Picard: Flunked entrance exam.

Kirk: Re-programmed Kobiashi Moru. Doesnt believe in defeat.
What is the result of encounters with unidentified Romulans?

Kirk: Fires at them.

Picard: Gets fired at.
How deal with primitive new civilizations:

Picard: Assist development within parameters of prime directive.

Kirk: Sleep with women, exploit men for cheap labor.
How they would react to Wesley?

Picard: Encourage development of mental and leadership skills.

Kirk: Use kid to get to mom.
One question: even though Kirk would turn out to be Wesleys
father, how long would he let him stay on the bridge?
One Spanish word: cojones.

Banta and Santa buy one race horse each after learning about big money in racing. Says Banta, How do we identify which horse is mine and which one is yours? Santa Singh replies, I will cut the tail of my horse and so the horse without a tail will be mine and the one with a tail will be yours. So they cut the tail of the horse. But in the night their naughty kids cut the tail of the other horse too. And the next day
Banta Singh is worried and says, I will cut one of the ears of my horse so the horse with one ear will be mine and the other one will be yours. The next night the kids cut the other horses ears too. And so it goes on until the horses lost their ears, eyes, had broken noses etc. And in the end both horses were left only with bare legs and were just barely living. Both Santa and Banta were frustrated.
At last Banta says, BAHUT HO GAYA. SAFED WALA GHORA MERA, KALA WALA TERA

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse. Fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouses confidence with some cheese and then took him next door.

The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Sheppard. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

Dont be afraid, darling, said the man. Wait until I tell you about this.

Get out of here! cried his wife. And take that sex maniac with you!