Old and New Jokes

Un pibe, que tenía la polla roja a reventar, va al urólogo para que le solucione el problema:

Doctor, no sé que me pasa últimamente, pero tengo la picha roja.

Cuénteme su vida sexual.

Verá… Nada más levantarme, le echo 3 polvos a mi mujer; me visto y le echo otro. Desayuno y, antes de irme al trabajo, me la follo 2 veces. Nada más ir al trabajo, le echo un par de polvetes a la secretaria; enciendo el ordenador y mientras que arranca cae otro. Después de tomarme el café echamos dos, y antes de irme del trabajo otro. Llego a casa y lo primero que hago es follarme a mi mujer. Luego, mientras estoy duchando a los niños, ella me la chupa media hora. Finalmente, después de cenar, echamos unos 3. Todas las noches, de los 7 polvos no bajamos.

¡Normal que la tenga escocida!

¡Ah, bueno! ¿Sólo eso? Creí que era de hacerse pajas.

The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!

The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.

The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: Im going to ask for something expensive.

Joke found on http://www.ahajokes.com

Youre so ugly your mom has to tie a roast beef sandwich around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS president Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:On March 23, 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide.He left a note to that effect indicating his despondency. As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been installed just below at the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended" is still defined as committing suicide. Mr. Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below at street level, but his suicide attempt probably would not have been successful because of the safety net. This caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.The room on the ninth floor from whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously, and he was threatening her with a shotgun. The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he completely missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr. Opus.When one intends to kill subject A, but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant. They both said they thought the shotgun was unloaded. The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident, that is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couples son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her sons financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.Now comes the exquisite twist. Further investigation revealed that the son was in fact Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over both the loss of his financial support and the failure of his attempt to engineer his mothers murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth-story window. The son had actually murdered himself, so the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.

Why didnt the skeleton cross the road?

He didnt have the guts!

Why was the blond staring at the orange juice carton?

Government should be run like a business. Weve all
heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue
Service would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft.

The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be
mailed the week before the new year. However it will
follow Microsofts example and actually ship them the
following May.

Responding to pressure from some large corporations and
a users group, some early copies of the tax forms will
actually be released in March. The recipients must
sign non-disclosure agreements.

In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS
loses a suit for appropriating some other countrys
intellectual property.

When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to
your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft
sends its product upgrade notices.

When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then
to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also
you need to send in a new registration card and get a
new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you
have to submit the original first page of your previous
years form.

Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax
return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the
the prior year is no longer supported.

The IRS telephone help will remain similar to
Microsofts, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover
personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but
the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free
phone number.

After struggling with reams of dense documentation of
complex options and rules, you discover that you will
need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in
order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question.
The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40
for that publication.

The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue
immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and
clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should
be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.

Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets
of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will
be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual
taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for-
profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.

The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of
Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving
speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only
to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code
will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely
kept secret until they are published.

Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells? Pregnant

A man was walking down the beach when he found a bottle. He picks up the bottle, and a genie comes out. The genie says that he will grant him one wish. Well, Id like to go to Hawaii. But, Im afraid of flying and I dont like the idea of going in a boat. So, I wish there was a bridge from here to Hawaii. says the man. Thats impossible! says the genie. Youll have to make another wish. Ok, I want to know how to be a successful computer programmer. says the man. How many lanes do you want on that bridge? asks the genie.