Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats the difference between George W Bush and a doorknob?

A: George W Bush is the president of the United States. A doorknob is a mechanical device that securely closes a hinged door, thereby keeping your family safe from danger.

Two men went to mountains for a hike. Suddenly, one of them fell into a
crevasse.

His friend cried, How are you? Are you alive?

Yes, was the answer.

How is your head?

Okay!

How are your legs?

Okay!

And what about your hands?

Everything is okay!

Oh, if everything is okay, why do you not climb out of the crevasse?

I cannot. I have not reached the bottom yet!

This is a bit of light relief from an internal web site here at
Netscape. Apparently, it has been excerpted from Masquerade: The
Amazing Camouflage Deceptions of World War II, Seymour Reit (Signet,
1980):

Another enemy decoy, built in occupied Holland, led to a tale
that has been told and retold ever since by veteran Allied
pilots. The German airfield, constructed with meticulous care,
was made almost entirely of wood.

There were wooden hangars, oil tanks, gun emplacements, trucks,
and aircraft.

The day finally came when the decoy was finished, down to the
last wooden plank. And early the following morning, a lone RAF
plane crossed the Channel, came in low, circled the field once,
and dropped a large wooden bomb.

SAMPLE OF A MODERN LOVE LETTERDearest Samantha,I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 2001.With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 2001 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of no less than three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account.I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be canceled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.Thanking you in anticipation.Yours sincerely, Max MODERN REPLY TO MODERN LOVE LETTER

Dear Max,Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance.However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards.Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in

A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didnt believe in capital punishment and didnt want her personal feelings prevent justice from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness, and tried to convince her that she should serve on the jury.

Madam, he explained, This is not a murder trial! Its a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $21,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday.

Well, okay, agreed Mrs. Hunter. Ill serve. I suppose I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!

Everything in moderation, including moderation.

This is the actual radio conversation of a US navy ship with Canadian
authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio
conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

Americans:
Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the
south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert your
course.

Canadians: No, I say again, you divert your course.

Americans: This is the Aircraft Carrier US Lincoln, the second largest ship
in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three
Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that you
change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, thats one-five degrees
north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this
ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Knock,knock.

Whos there?

Ether

Ether who?

Ether bunny.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Juan

Juan who?

Juan more ether bunny.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Stella

Stella who?

Stella nother ether bunny.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Justin

Justin who?

Justin other Ether Bunny.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Samoa

Samoa who?

Samoa Ether Bunnies.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Beryl

Beryl who?

Beryl of ether bunnies.

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Dewey

Dewey who?

Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes?

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Consumption.

Consumption who?

Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?

Knock, knock.

Whos there?

Cargo

Cargo who?

Cargo beep, beep … run over all the ether bunnies.

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctors office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the mans arse was that eye staring right back at him. You know, said the doctor, you really have to learn to trust me.