Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so dirty she makes mud look clean.

8. Thou shalt spell thy words correctly when ever possible.

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though youve never had heart problems before.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you dont have a clue when it happened.

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

When looking at a pageful of someone elses links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.

Your dog has its own home page.

Your dogs homepage is actually good.

You cant call your mother…she doesnt have a modem.

One day there were two mathbooks sittin on a school desk. One turns to the other sobbing and says Ive got problems- BIG problems.

Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests
See if a yawn really is contagious
Slap your neighbour. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the priest
Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs
Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with A then B and so on through the alphabet. You may get stuck on Q unless your preacher is preaching against homosexuality.
Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
Using church notice-sheets or newcomers cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the lavatory.
Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favourite hymn.
If the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
Pretend to be 4 years old .
Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt inside out.
Try to raise one eyebrow.
Crack your knuckles.
Think about your chin for an entire minute.
Twiddle your thumbs.
Twiddle your neighbours thumbs.
Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.
Practice smiling insincerely.
Make grunts randomly during the sermon. Act as if it wasnt you.
If any of the people singing have extremely unique voices, try and imitate them.
If possible, rig a mic in the bathroom.
Then, go to the bathroom, disguise your voice, and say strange things into the mic. Examples: Wowie! Big Daddys coming to town!, Oh my gosh, thats my lego!, Oh no, not blood again!, Diablo! Diablo! Diablo!
If you have

There once was a good Baptist Minister, who in order to make his familys budget go a little further, rode a bicycle to Church and to Church functions. One day his bike turned up missing. He searched everywhere, but could not find it. Since it was a very small town he lived in, and most of the town was in his parish, he assumed that one of his flock had strayed and stolen his bicycle.

He spoken with his Deacon about his quandry. The Deacon suggested that at the Sermon next Sunday, the Minister talk on the Ten Commandments. When he got to the Commandment Thou Shalt Not Steal, the Minister should turn on the Fire-and-Brimstone and preach like he had never preached before. The guilty part should then feel such remorse for their wrongdoing, that they would return the bike.

So Sunday came and the Minister gave his sermon. It was a good sermon but when he reached Thou Shalt Not Steal, there was no Fire-and-Brimstone. The Deacon was puzzled and asked the Minister why he hadnt really socked it to the thief.

Well said the Minister, I was all set to turn on the Fire-and-Brimstone like I had never done before. That part was to be my sermon to end all sermons. But when I got to the Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery part, I remembered where I had left my bicycle!

Fellow goes to confession and tells the priest Father, Ive done something terrible. I just know theyre going to throw me out of the church for this one.

Hold, on, says the priest, what have you done thats so bad theyre going to throw you out of the church?

Yesterday, my wife was bent over a sack of potatoes and I looked at her ass and got so turned on I went lifted her skirt and had sex with her right there and then.

Theres nothing wrong with that, says the priest, youre allowed to have sex with your wife.

Why on earth would you think they would throw you out of the church for that?

Well, the man said, they threw us out of the grocery store.

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash.

No! yelled the farmer, Dont throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, theyre delicious! Theyre called Sheep Fries!



The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmers wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days . . . and each evening they had Sheep Fries for supper.



On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied, Its the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!

Two hobos are walking down railroad tracks, havent eaten in a couple days, and are starving. Ahead of them, lying on the tracks, is a dead buzzard….maggots crawling all over the badly decomposed bird…green flies swarming the stinking mass. Stopping to stare at the smelly thing, one hobo says, Lets eat this bastard. The other hobo says, Naw, Im gonna wait and have a HOT meal. The first hobo replies, Well, Im too damned hungry to wait, Im eatin this fuckin buzzard. The second hobo says, Suit yourself, but I aint waitin on you, and starts down the tracks again. Ravenously, the first hobo begins stuffing the rotton bird into his mouth. After licking the last maggot from his lips, he looks down the tracks and sees his buddy….by now about a mile away… and takes off running to catch up. After running 10 minutes in the hot August sun, the hobo catches up to his buddy…..sweating…panting….stomach churning from the rotten buzzard hed just eaten. Suddenly he begins to puke….every bit of the rotten buzzard is now laying in a putrid mass on the tracks. The second hobo smiles at the first hobo and says, See?? I told you I was gonna wait for a HOT meal.