Old and New Jokes

A man asked God how much a million dollars was to him. God replied, Oh, about one penny. Then the man asked how much an eternity was to him. God replied, Oh, about a second. Then the man asked. Can I have a million dollars and live an eternal life? God replied, Sure, just wait a sec.

Get the boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they are not looking.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.

Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, I think we have a code 3 in housewares, and see what happens.

Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.

Challenge other customers to duel with tubes of gift wrap.

Put M&Ms on layaway.

Move CAUTION-WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others youll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask Why wont you people leave me alone?

Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I.Joes and X-Men.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

Switch signs on the mens and womens bathrooms.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

Set up a Valet Parking sign out front.

In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!

When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream.

A doctor at an (insane) asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, Up nuts! And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, Down nuts! And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, Cheer nuts! And they all broke into applause and cheers. Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, Well…everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!

Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None: They concern themselves with inner light.

Estaban tres náufragos en una isla desierta cuando de pronto los capturaron una tribu de caníbales, de esos de huesito en la cabeza y todo.

Después de amarrarlos cada uno a un poste llega el jefe de la tribu con el primero de ellos y le pregunta: ¿Qué preferir: la muerte o MOÑO?

Le contesta el otro: No pos quien sabe que sea MOÑO pero la verdad yo no me quiero morir, así es que MOÑO.

Y en cuanto voltea nomás ve a una fila india del tamaño de la muralla china, larga, larga, nomás se veían los huesitos en la cabeza y de uno por uno van pasando con él y MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO…

Después de varias horas llega el jefe con el segundo y le hace la misma pregunta: La muerte o MOÑO?

Le responde: No pos la verdad, yo tampoco me quiero morir, pos nimodo, MOÑO, y no acababa de voltear cuando ya estaban todos ahí y MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO…

Llega el jefe con el tercero de ellos y le hace la misma pregunta: La muerte o MOÑO?

No, que MOÑO ni que nada, le dice el tercero, yo soy muy hombre, a mi no me vengan con sus puterías, a mí mátenme, yo quiero la muerte.

Y le dice el jefe: Estar bien, si querer la muerte, tendrás la muerte pero primero MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO, MOÑO-MOÑO-MOÑO…

In the current film, Titanic, the character Rose is shown giving the
finger to Jack (another character).Many people who have seen the film,
question whether giving the finger was done around the time of the
Titanic disaster,or was it a more recent gesture invented by some defiant
seventh-grader. According to research, heres the true story:

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory
over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured
English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw
the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the
future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and
the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew (or pluck
yew).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and
began mocking the French by waved their middle fingers at the defeated
French,saying, See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!

Over the years some folk etymologies have grown up around this symbolic
gesture. Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say (like pleasant
mother pheasant plucker, which is who you had to go to for the feathers
used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the
beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F,and thus the
words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly
thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also
because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is
known as giving the bird.

And yew all thought yew knew everything!

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Tim, you be first, she said. What does your father do all day?

Tim stood up and proudly said, He is a doctor.

That is wonderful. How about you, Sarah?

Sarah shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, My father is a mailman.

Thank you, Sarah, said the teacher. What about your father, Billy?

Billy proudly stood up and announced, My daddy plays the piano in a whore house.

The teacher was horrified and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billys house and rang the bell. Billys father answered the door. The teacher repeated what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billys father said, Well, I am actually a lawyer. But can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old boy?

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, Hey, you dont need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.

The lady asks, How do I do it without surgery?

Just rub toilet paper between them.

Startled the lady asks, How does that make them bigger?

I dont know, but it worked for your ass.

We all knew part of this as kids, but I never knew the whole thing…..

If a woodchuck could chuck wood,

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck,

If a woodchuck could chuck wood?

He would chuck, he would, as much as he could,

If a woodchuck could chuck wood.

Can you imagine an imaginary menagerie manager imagining managing an imaginary menagerie?

Ned Nott was shot and Sam shott was not.

So it is better to be Shott than Nott.

Some say Nott was not shot.

But Shott says he shot Nott.

Either the shot Shott shot at Nott was not shot, or Nott was shot.

If the shot Shott shot shot Nott, Nott was shot.

But if the shot Shott shot shot Shott, then Shott was shot, not Nott.

However, the shot Shott shot shot not Shott, but Not.

Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?

A: The vegetable garden.