Old and New Jokes

Una noche, el padre va hasta la habitación de su pequeño hijo y lo escucha rezar: Dios bendiga a mamá, a papá y a la abuela. Adiós abuelo. Al padre le extraña un poco pero lo olvida, son cosas de chicos. Pero al día siguiente el abuelo muere y le vienen a la memoria las palabras de su hijo.

Un año después, y con el asunto olvidado, el padre nuevamente sorprende al pequeño rezando: Dios bendiga a mamá y a papá. Adiós abuela. El padre se asusta cuando al día siguiente la abuela muere, pero no se anima a contárselo a nadie para que no lo tomen por loco.

Tiempo después, el padre escucha en la noche: Dios bendiga a mamá. Adiós papá. El padre casi muere del susto en ese mismo momento. No pega un ojo en toda la noche y se levanta bien temprano, va en automóvil a la hora que no hay tránsito para evitar riesgos, pasa todo el día encerrado en su oficina; desayuna, almuerza y cena en el trabajo. Cuando se hace la medianoche regresa a su casa aliviado. Al llegar, la mujer le exige una explicacion por la tardanza, el hombre sólo alcanza a decir: Disculpa, tuve un dia terrible. Entonces enfurecida la mujer le grita: ¿Tú tuviste un día terrible? ¿Y el mío? Hoy vino el vecino y se murió en la puerta de casa.

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, How come the Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, Its simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus Tutzuch (English translation: Whats Happening). They just ask each other and thats how they find out everything.

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to see how this system works.

So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.) as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyns most Jewish neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers Nu, Vus Tutzuch?

The old guy whispers back, Did you hear that putz Bush is in Brooklyn?

The part he puts in olive oil.

A man and his wife live in a row house where all of the houses look alike. The wife tells the husband that everytime he goes out he returns to the wrong house and disturbs the neighbors.

To fix the problem the man puts a lantern on his porch to remind him of his house.

So, like clockwork he goes out and gets plastered. Upon returning home he sees the lantern and says to himself Theres my house and theres the lantern I put on the porch.

Satisfied with himself he walks onto the porch and puts his key in the door, I knew it, this my house cause my key works.

Now even more impressed with himself, he enters into the house and goes to his bedroom. Upon entering he exclaims, I knew this was my house cause there is my wife, and there I am in bed with her!

…and the bartender came over to the first duck and says:
what’s your name and whatve you been doing the duck says my names Heuie and I’ve been jumping in puddles ,then the bartender goes over to the second duck and asks, what’s your name and whatve you been doing, the second duck says my names Duie and I’ve been jumping in puddles, then the bartender goes over to the last duck and says don’t tell me your name is Louie and you’ve been jumping in puddles the duck replies: no, my names Puddles and I’ve been having a bad day!!!

Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most un technicianlike manner.

Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to be opened and thus tagged, that thy days in this Earthly vale of tears be long.

Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou toil are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift thee unto radio heaven

Tarry thou not amongst those fools that engageth in intentional shocks, for they are surely non believers and are not longeth for this world.

Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou taketh the measure of a high voltage circuit, lest thou incinerate both thyself and thy meter.

Take care thou tampereth not with interlocks and safety devices, for this incurreth the wrath of thy supervisor and bringeth the fury of the safety inspector upon thy head and about thy shoulders.

Toil not thou on energized equipment, for if thou so doest, thy fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her otherwise.

Service thou equipment not alone, for electrical cooking is a slothful process and thou mine sizzle in thine own juices for hours upon a hot circuit before thy maker sees fit to end thy misery.

Trifle thou not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commenceth to glow in the dark liketh a lightning bug and thy wife hath no further use for thee except for thy wages.

Causeth thou to be tagged all modifications made by thee upon equipment lest thy successor teareth out his hair and goeth slowly mad in his attempt to decide what manner of creature madeth a nest in the wiring of such equipment.

Two blondes are nailing in roof tiles. One of them is pulling nails from his jar and if they face him, he throws them away. The other blonde asks what hes doing."Duh. Im throwing away the defective ones.""No, stupid! Those are for the other side of the roof."

Dorothy is very upset, as her husband Albert had just passed away. She goes to the mortuary to look at her dearly departed, and the instant she sees him she starts wailing and crying.

One of the attendants rushes up to comfort her. Through her tears she explains that she was upset because Albert was wearing a black suit and that it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit. The attendant apologizes and explains that they always put the bodies in a black suit as a matter of course, but hed see what he could do.

The next day, Dorothy returns to the mortuary to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the attendant pulls back the curtain, Dorothy manages to smile through her tears as Albert is now wearing a smart blue suit.

She asks the attendant, How did you manage to get hold of that beautiful blue suit?

Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man who was about your husbands size was brought in, and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset, as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit, the attendant replied.

The woman smiled.

He continued: After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads around.

(For those who might not know, a malapropism is a verbal blunder in which one word is replaced by another similar in sound but different in meaning.)

Here are a few:

Hes a wolf in cheap clothing.
It was a case of love at Versailles.
Hes got one of those sight-seeing dogs.
In Algiers, they spend most of their time at the cash bar.
My sister has extra-century perception.
A fool and his money are some party.
Alls fear in love and war.
Nip it in the butt.
Some viruses can lie doormat for years.
To each his zone.
Michelangelo painted the Sixteenth Chapel.
No more negotiating – its a dumb deal.
Its a long road to hold.
All I want from you kids is a little piece of quiet.

After the birth of their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that enough was enough. The husband went to the doctor and told him that he and his wife didnt want any more children, and what could the doctor do to help?. The doctor smiled, told him to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to ten.

The man relayed this story to his wife, and shaking his head in doubt said, I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I dont see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help!

His wife agreed, and they drove to Missouri together for a second opinion. Surprisingly enough, when they told the second doctor why theyd come, he asked them where they were from, and then told them to buy a cherry bomb, put it in a can, and for the husband to hold it next to his ear and count to ten.

Deciding that both doctors couldnt be wrong, the couple went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a can. The husband held the can up to his ear and began to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…, at which point he paused, placed the can between his legs and counted on his other hand:
6, 7, 8…