To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.
23
Oct
23
Oct
One of the teachers had a kindergartner come up to her and say that he found a frog.
The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.
The student said it was dead.
The teacher asked how he knew.
The boy said, I pissed in its ear.
The teacher said, You what?
He said, You know, I went to his ear and said, PSST! and it didnt move. So it must be dead.
23
Oct
A driver tucked a note under her windshield wiper and dashed off:
Ive circled the block for 20 minutes. Im late for an appointment, and if I dont park here Ill lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses.
Returning, she came back only to find a parking ticket and this note:
Ive circled the block for 20 years, and if I dont give you a ticket, Ill lose my job. . . Lead us not into temptation.
23
Oct
Mike McGovern, a writer, objected to having a destructive hurricane named after his sweet niece, Emily. So in yesterdays NY Times, he submitted the following list of more appropriate hurricane names and how these storms might behave:
Hurricane ClintonMoves right, then left again
Hurricane GergenSpins uncontrollably
Hurricane PowellHeads directly for the White House
Hurricane NunnTravels only in a straight line
Hurricane BushCompletely misses Middle America
Hurricane PerotSmall but annoying
Hurricane DoleEliminates roads, bridges and schools; spares only Kansas
Hurricane MadonnaLeaves clothes strewn everywhere
Hurricane OprahGets smaller, then bigger again
Hurricane LettermanAppears an hour earlier than expected
Hurricane ChevyFades almost immediately
Hurricane WallaceHard-hitting but lasts only 60 minutes
Hurricane HeidiBlows the lid off Hollywood studios
Hurricane JordanStops abruptly at its peak
Hurricane DykstraDevastates Atlanta and Toronto
Hurricane ForemanDevours everything in sight
Hurricane SteinbrennerThreatens to move towards New Jersey
Hurricane TrumpUproots giant maples
Hurricane MilkenLeaves a trail of junk
Hurricane ButtafuocoHits Long Island high schools
Hurricane TailhookLeaves nothing untouched
22
Oct
It seems that historical religious leaders (between moments of dispensing wisdom) had also learned software programming.
One day, a great contest was held to test their skills.
After days and days of fierce competition, only two leaders remained for the last days event: Jesus and Mohammed.
The judge described the software application required for the final test, and gave the signal to start writing code.
The two contestants feverishly typed away on their keyboards. Routines, classes, applets and applications flew on their screens at incredible speeds. Windows, dialogs, and other intricate graphics began forming on their monitors. The clock showed that the contest would soon be finished.
Suddenly, a bolt of lightening flashed and the power went out.
After a moment it came back on – just in time for the clock to indicate that the last competition was over.
The judge asked the two contestants to reveal their finished software. Mohammed angrily said that hed lost it all in the power outage. The judge turned to the other competitor. Jesus smiled, clicked a mouse and a dazzling application appeared on his screen.
After just a few moments, the judge was clearly impressed and declared Jesus the victor.
When asked why the decision was made, the judge pointed out the unique characteristic that set the winner apart from all the other leaders:
Jesus saves.
22
Oct
At a number of military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personnel.
On a display of I love you only Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs.
In the window of a Kentucky appliance store: Dont kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.
In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan.
In a clothing store: Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.
22
Oct
Why didnt Monica Lewinsky become a doctor?
Because she sucked as an intern.
22
Oct
I finally found a woman like my mom. This woman:
Acts like her! Looks like her! Smells like her!
So i took her home my father doesnt like her!?!!
22
Oct
To get us all in the Christmas spirit … Can you name these Christmas Songs? Answers found below.
——– Questions ———
Approach Everyone Who Is Steadfast
Ecstacy Toward The Orb
Hush, The Foretelling Spirits Harmonize
Hey, Miniscule Urban Area Southwest Of Jerusalem
Quiescent Nocturnal Period
The Autocratic Troika Originating Near the Accent of Apollo
The Primary Carol
Embellish The Corridors
I Apprehended My Maternal Parent Osculating with a Corpulent, Unshaven Male in Crimson Disguise
Im Fantasizing Concerning a Blanched Yuletide
My Singular Desire For The Impending Yuletide Season Is Receipt Of A Pair Of Central Incisors.
During the Time Ovine Caretakers Supervised Their Charges Past Twilight
Celestial Messengers From Splendid Empires.
The Thing Manifest Itself at the Onset of a Transparent Day
The Tatterdemalion Ebony Atmosphere
The Coniferous Nativity
What Offspring Abides Thus?
Removed in a Bovine Feeding Trough
Creator Cool It Ya Kooky Cats
Seraphim We Aurally Detect in the Stratosphere
Valentino, The Roseate Proboscissed Wapati
Father Christmas Approaches the Metropolis
Ag Glockenspiels
The Slight Percussionist Lad
The Antelered Quadruped With The Cerise Proboscis.
The Event Occurred At One Minute After 11:59 PM-Visibility Unlimited.
Ornament The Enclosure With Large Sprigs Of A Berry-bearing Evergreen.
Anticipation Of This Noels Mementos: Nil.
The Approach Of The Holiday Commemorating The Birth Of Christ Is Becoming Evident.
During the Dark Hours When Herdsman Attended Their Charges.
A Trio of Non-Occidental Potentates Is Our Identity.
A Meteorological Melody Is Manifest.
The Yuletides Diurnal Dozen.
Please Permit Pristine Precipitation.
Rimey, The Mannikin of Crystalline H2O.
Our Desire Is Your Yuletide Cheer.
Aged Matriarch Plowed Under By Preciptious Darlings.
Are You Experiencing Parallel Auditory Input?
Endeavor to personally experience singular, miniscule Yule!
…
scroll down for answers
…………
——– Answers ———
O Come All Ye Faithful
Joy To The World
Hark, The Herald Angels Sing
O Little Town of Bethlehem
Silent Night
We Three Kings
The First Noel
Deck The Halls
I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Clause
Im Dreaming of a White Christmas
All I want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth
While Shepherds Watched Their Flocks By Night
Angels from the Realms of Glory
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
O Holy Night
O Christmas Tree
What Child is This?
Away in a Manger
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen
Angels We Have Heard On High
Rudolph, The Red Nosed Reindeer
Santa Claus is Coming To Town
Silver Bells
The Little Drummer Boy
Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
It came upon a Midnight Clear
Deck the Halls with Boughs of Holly
Im getting nothing for Christmas
Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas
While Shepherds watched their Flocks by Night
We Three Kings
Theres a Song in the Air
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Let it Snow
Frosty, the Snowman
We Wish you a Merry Christmas
Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer
Do You Hear What I Hear?
Have Yourselves a Merry Little Christmas
21
Oct
In the olden days of the Legion Etrangere (French Foreign Legion), Lieutenant Lefevre was extremely happy to be posted near Bir Ounane, right in the middle it seems, of the desert.
Boy howdy, did he enjoy the challenge of the elements, the demands for personal survival skills, the camaraderie of the other officers, etc! In fact, for four months, he enjoyed EVERYTHING!
Around the beginning of his fifth month there, a steady ache in his groin reminded him that the hadnt had any female companionship and that it was time to put his johnson back to work. He confided one day in Sergeant LeBrun: Sergeant, Ive got a personal problem. I need a woman. What do the men do when they have this urge?
Sir, responded Sergeant LeBrun, theres no problem. They usually take the camel…
Non, non, non. Jamais! Never! Never! screamed the lieutenant. I will not descend to such low conduct.
Well, about two months later, he really is feeling horny, and he asks the sergeant to point out the camel. Stepping up behind the camel, he drops his pants, plants his dick in the camel and humps away. The camel roars and roars, the more the lieutenant pumps. Finishing, he asks, Well, sergeant, I guess youve never seen anybody screw a camel better than that!
Thats true, mon lieutenant, they usually take the camel into town to the whorehouse.