Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, Here, maybe youd like a nip to calm your nerves. Thanks, he said, and took a long pull from the container. Here, you have one, too, he added, handing back the whiskey. Well, Id rather not, said the first. At least not until after the police have been here.
12
Oct
12
Oct
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, I was
cleaning in Fathers room the other day and do you know what I found? A
bunch of pornographic magazines. What did you do? the other nuns
asked. Well, of course, I threw them in the trash. The second
nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away
the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms! Oh my! gasped the other
nuns. What did you do? they asked. I poked holes in all of them!
she replied. The third nun fainted.
12
Oct
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbour to report that
her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.
She said, He is 36 years old, 183 cm high, has brown eyes, brown hair, an
athletic body, weighs 75 kg, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children.
The next-door neighbour protested, Your husband is 57 years old, about 160 cm,
chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.
The wife replied, Yes, but who wants him back?
11
Oct
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, 7 points!
His wife looked at him and said, What the hell are you doing?
He simply replied, Just playing bed football.
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, Tie game – 7,7.
The husbands competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining… when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, Now whats the score?
He said, Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!
11
Oct
A group of biologists got together in hopes of producing an untimate sport fish. The decided to cross-breed a coho salmon, a walleye pike and a musky. After years of experimenting they finally produced one egg which hatched a newly invented fish. Success they began yelling while congradulating each other. Wait one of the scientists statee> What will we call this fish? They all got together in at attempt to pool their minds and come up with a meaningful name. The lead person the the group stated, lets see, we had a coho, a walleye and a musky; well take part of each of those names to come up with a name for this new breed. He continued, co for coho, wall for walleye and skI for musky. Thats it……..KOWALSKI. He gently picked up the fish and palced it in an aquarium. Kowalski sunk to the bottom and drowned.
11
Oct
A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17.
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying.
11
Oct
Death and taxes are inevitable; at least death doesnt get worse every year.
11
Oct
Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying:
DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door.
Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.
He asked the store manager, Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?
Yep, thats him, he replied.
The stranger couldnt help but be amused. That certainly doesnt look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?
Because, the owner replied, before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.
11
Oct
The Hunchback of Notre Dame is about to retire, and has been notified by his bosses that he must first find a replacement bell ringer.
He places a notice in the Help Wanted section of the local paper, and one day an applicant climbs the stairs to the bell tower, in search of employment.
The Hunchback cautions him on the dangers involved in the job – mainly, that of slipping and falling to ones death while bell ringing. The applicant seems unimpressed by this, and explains to the Hunchback that he comes from a long line of bell ringers, and that his family uses a special bell ringing technique.
The Hunchback, eager to see this, asks him to audition. The applicant goes up to a large bell perched high in the tower, pulls it towards him, and smashes his forehead into it to make it sound. Dazed from the impact, he stumbles and falls from the tower to his death below. The Hunchback climbs down there to find a crowd gathered and a policeman who says, I see someone fell from your bell tower – do you know who he is?
The Hunckback replies, No, but his face rings a bell …
The next day, another applicant arrives for the job. It turns out this fellow is the brother of the one who fell to his death the other day.
In like manner, he demonstrates his familial bell-ringing technique, and he, too, stumbles and falls to his death below. The Hunchback again ambles down to check out the scene, where the policeman says, Hmmm. … another one … did you know him well?
The Hunchback replies, No, but hes a dead ringer for his brother …
11
Oct
Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frost bite