Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock Whos there? Madam Madam who? MADAM FOOTS STUCK IN THE DOOR!

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch. Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite? a tourist asked. The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, Nope. As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, I thought you said your dog didnt bite! The old man muttered, Aint my dog.

Q: What was wrong with the boys brand new toy electric train set he received for Christmas?
A: Forty feet of track – all straight!

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but if you wait until next month, Yamaha will have a new model bulb out which is much better.

Im sure you can substitute any college name you want into these and you will get the same results!!!

How many UCLA alumni does it take to change a light bulb?



One to crack the whip and make his bitches do it for him…





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How many UC San Diego students does it take to change a lightbulb?

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Two: one to mix the margaritas and one to call the electrician.

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How many UC Santa Cruz students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.





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How many UC Davis students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None: Davis doesnt have electricity.





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How many UC San Francisco students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two: one to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.





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How many UC Santa Barbara students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he gets six credits for it.





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How many UC Berkeley students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seventy-six: one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulbs right not to change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.





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How many UC Irvine students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None: Irvine looks better in the dark (ditto Riverside).





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How many UCLA students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One: he just holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. Theyd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever sides dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshunds neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. We dont understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.

Thats nothing, an American replied. We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.

He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over. He proceeds to kick her several times and when hes done he bends down to her and says, not so tough tonight, are you Batman?

Doctor Goldstein and his wife are having dinner at an upscale restaurant when an attractive young blonde walks by, smiles at the doctor and says Hi Sammy.

The wife, somewhat irritated, asks, And who is that?

The doctor says, Thats my mistress.

The wife asks, You have a mistress? How long has this been going on?

The doctor says, About five years.

The wife says, Five years? Ill see a lawyer tomorrow and start a divorce. Youll be ruined.

The doctor replies, Now think about it. If we divorce we each get half of what we have. You wont have that big house, you wont get a new Cadillac every year and you wont be playing golf and bridge all day with your so-called friends.

Just then a cute redhead walks by and says Hi Sammy.

The wife asks, “And who is that one?

The doctor says, Thats Bill Grants mistress.

The wife says, Doctor Grant has a mistress too?

The doctor says, About twelve years now.

The wife says, Ours is a lot prettier.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

Is it a boy or girl gorilla? the service guy asks.

Boy, is the mans response.

Oh yeah, I can do it. Ill be right there, says the service guy. An hour later the guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: Now, Im going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorillas testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on.

The man asks, What do I do with the shotgun?

The service guy replies, If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua.

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.