Old and New Jokes

Breakfast

1/2 grapefruit

black coffee

1 piece dry toast

1 sm. glass skim milk
Lunch

1 lettuce leaf

2 tomato slices

2 oz. broiled chicken

4 carrot sticks

1 whole wheat roll with 1 tsp reduced-calorie butter

1 cup red jello

Dinner

1/2 cup salad

1 tsp low fat Italian dressing

4 oz. hamburger patty

2 1/2 slices canned pear

1/4 cup cottage cheese

slice wheat bread
also–8 glasses of water

What You Really Eat

8 a.m. Breakfast

You skip breakfast. Youre not hungry, and this gives you an extra 100
calories for the day.
10 a.m.

You decide to have that black coffee as you see the doughnuts being brought
into the office. You drink your first glass of water, proudly resisting
the doughnuts.
11 a.m.

You are hungry and have a hard time concentrating on your work. You look
forward to lunch.
12 p.m. Lunch

You hungrily eat everything on your diet, including the jello, which you
have hated since you were a child because of that time when you got your
tonsils taken out and they gave you jello at every meal.
1 p.m.

You drink your second glass of water for the day.
1:30 p.m.

You drink your 3rd and 4th glass of water for the day.
2 p.m.

You drink your 5th and 6th glass of water for the day. You marvel at how
a person can be hungry and nauseous at the same time. Your co-worker has
popcorn at her desk and you smell it but are too sick to even want any.
She offers you some and you decline, telling her how little youve eaten
today and how the smell of the popcorn doesnt even tempt you. She is
impressed.
3 p.m.

You are hungry. You know that another co-worker has chocolate on her desk
and there is an open invitation to take some. You do, after all, have
an extra 100 calories for the day. You restrict yourself to one piece
of candy, proud of your willpower. You are still 50 calories ahead.
3:30 p.m.

You are still hungry. Your mind wanders. You remember the Tic Tacs in
your desk — only 2 calories apiece. You eat two. 46 calories left.
3:45 p.m.

You eat two more Tic Tacs. 42 calories left.
4 p.m.

You eat the rest of the pack of Tic Tacs. You are in the negative, but
optimistic. Youll skip the pear at dinner.
5 p.m.

You are famished. You drink the last 2 glasses of water to get you through
to dinnertime.
5:30 p.m.

You arrive home. A bag of crisps is blocking the way to the pasta that
you will be using to make the family dinner. After thinking twice about
it you rip open the package and eat one crisp.
5:35

You eat one more crisp.
6:30 p.m.

You eat the rest of the package of crisps, 6 tablespoons of pasta as you
cook it, and then have a big tub of Haagen Daz. You tell the family that
you are doing too well on your diet to ruin it with dinner. They are impressed.

An old Jewish man was once on the subway and he sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar. Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered I wear this collar because I am a Father.

The Jewish man thought a second and responded Sir I am also a Father but I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?

The priest thought for a minute and said Sir, I am the father for many.

The Jewish man quickly answered I too am the father of many. I have four sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted out Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people.

The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards.

Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills.

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the checkout counter.

The girl at the cash register said, Im sorry, but we cannot sell cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day she tried to buy three cans of dog food. Again the cashier demanded proof that she had a dog because old people sometimes eat dog food.

She went home and brought in her dog. She then bought the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, No, you might have a snake in there.

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger in the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, That smells like shit.

The little old lady said, It is. Now can I buy three rolls of toilet paper?

Lets play a game, its called bureaucracy, the first one to do anything loses.

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough

If OUGH stands for O as in Dough

If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis

If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour

If TTE stands for T as in Gazette

If EAU stands for O as in Plateau



The right way to spell POTATO shoud be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. Im probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesnt end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which Im still trying to calculate, you can leave your name, phone number, and message, and Ill probably phone you back. So far the probability of that is about 0.645. Have a nice day.

A man goes to a bar and he ties his Great Dane up outside. About 10 minutes later a lady comes in and asks whos Great Dane is outside.

Mine says the man. My dog has just killed him, she says.

What breed is your dog? he asks. A Chiuahua, she says.

How can a Chiuahua kill a Great Dane?

He got caught in his throat!!!

Ive learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

Ive learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

Ive learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

Ive learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, youd better have a big dick or huge tits.

Ive learned that you can keep puking long after you think youre finished.

Ive learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when youre down will be the ones who do.

Ive learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

Ive learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

Ive learned to say Fuck em if they cant take a joke in 6 languages.

Pass this along to 5 friends…trust me, theyll appreciate it –

If not… Fuck em if they cant take a joke!

arab coffee:
Thick, black, bitter coffee, traditionally served in
tiny cups at gunpoint.

calorie:
Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by
the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a
particular food.

microwave oven:
Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle
of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within
the cooking compartment.

oven:
Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.

porridge:
Thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since
children were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words Putrid, hORRId, and sluDGE.

preheat:
To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is
put in, as well as when it is removed.

recipe:
A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing
ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you dont own, to make a
dish the dog wont eat.

tongue:
A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses
the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

yogurt:
Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste
exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.