Old and New Jokes

Harvey and Sara — an elderly married couple — have trouble remembering things, so they write everything down. One night in bed, Sara gets a craving and wakes up her husband.

Get up and bring me some apple pie and ice cream, Harvey, Sara says. And you better write it down.

I think I can remember that, Harvey mumbles as he heads for the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, Harvey returns with a plate of scrambled eggs and sausage.

Whats this? Sara asks.

Its what you asked for! Harvey says.

See, I told you to write it down, Sara says. You forgot my toast.

The Statements Car Owners are Really Making

Acura IntegraI have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars
Acura LegendIm too bland for German cars
Acura NSXI am impotent
Audi 90I enjoy putting out engine fires
Buick Park AvenueI am older than 34 of the 50 states
Cadillac EldoradoI am a very good Mary Kay salesman
Cadillac SevilleI am a pimp
Chevrolet CamaroI enjoy beating the hell out of people
Chevrolet ChevetteI like seeing peoples reactions when I tell them I have a Vette
Chevrolet CorvetteIm in a mid-life crisis
Chevrolet El CaminoI am leading a militia to overthrow the government
Chrysler CordobaI dig the rich Corinthian leather
Datsun 280ZI have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well
Dodge DartI teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower
Dodge DaytonaI delivered pizza for four years to get this car
Ferrari TestarossaI am known to prematurely ejaculate
Ford Fairmont(See Dodge Dart)
Ford MustangI slow down to 85 in school zones
Ford Crown VictoriaI enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them
Geo StormI will start the 11th grade in the fall.
Geo TrackerI will start the 12th grade in the fall.
Honda del SolI have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all
Honda CivicI have just graduated and have no credit
Honda AccordI lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu ImpulseI do not give a damn about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Kia SephiaI learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu Corp.
Lamborghini CountachI only have one testicle
Lincoln Town CarI live for bingo and covered dish suppers
Mercury Grand Marquis(See above)
Mercedes 500SLI will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph
Mercedes 560SELI have a daughter named Bitsy and a son named Cole
Mazda MiataI do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler
MGBI am dating a mechanic
Mitsubishi DiamanteI dont know what it means either
Nissan 300ZXI have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile CutlassI just stole this car and Im going to make a fortune off the parts
Peugeot 505 DieselI am on the EPAs Ten Most Wanted List
Plymouth NeonI sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena
Pontiac Trans AMI have a switchblade in my sock
Porsche 911 TurboI have a three inch thingie
Porsche 944I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me
Rolls Royce Silver ShadowI think Pat Buchannon is a tad bit too liberal
Saturn SC2(See Honda Civic)
Subaru LegacyI have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu
Toyota CamryI am still in the closet
Volkswagen BeetleI still watch Partridge Family reruns
Volkswagen CabrioletI am out of the closet
Volkswagen JettaYou rule !!!!!!! (heh heh)
Volkswagen MicrobusI am tripping right now
Volvo 740 WagonI am frightened of my wife
Volkswagen CorradoI was tired of repair bills on my Porsche 944

(Source UNKNOWN)

RAINY

A third grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with rest. Their insight may surprise you…

Better to be safe thanPunch a 5th grader.
Strike While theBug is close.
Its always darkest beforeDaylight Savings time.
Never underestimate the power ofTermites.
You can lead a horse to water buthow?
Dont bite the hand thatlooks dirty.
No news isimpossible.
A miss is as good as a Mr.
You cant teach an old dog newmath.
If you lie down with dogs, youllstink in the morning.
Love all, trustme.
The pen is mightier than the pigs.
An idle mind isThe best way to relax.
Where theres smoke theresPollution.
Happy the bride whogets all the presents.
A penny saved isnot much.
Twos company, threesthe Musketeers.
Dont put off till tomorrow whatyou put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry andyou have to blow your nose.
None are so blind asHelen Keller.
Children should be seen and notspanked or grounded.
If at first you dont succeedget new batteries.
You get out of something what yousee pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blindget out of the way.

Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.

The 2000 Darwin awards!

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

this Irishman walks into a bar and he notices down at the end of the bar, threes a guy that looks identical to himself. he walks up to the man and says, my gosh man, we look a like. the Irishman at the bar said, your right my man, we sure do. the other Irishman said, i just moved here from Ireland a month ago. the other Irishman said, that is amazing, i just moved here from Ireland a month ago. the other Irishman said, well tell me chap, what city in Ireland are you from? Dublin, replied the other Irishman. the other Irishman said, i can not believe this, IM also from Dublin the other Irishman said, well what school did you go to in Dublin? St. Francis my friend, replied the other Irishman. the other Irishman said, i can not believe this, i also went to St. Francis, my gosh we both came here from Ireland, from the same city, the same school, this is really amazing. about that time this other guy comes in and sits down at the bar and says to the bartender, whets up Sam? the bartender says oh nothing much, with a bored look on his face, he motions with his thumb toward the two Irishmen and says, the OMalley twins are drunk again.

The Queen of England was visiting one of Canadas top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

Oh my God, said the Queen, thats disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?

The Doctor leading the tour explains; I am sorry your highness, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with

semen.  If he doesnt do that 5 times a day, theyll explode, and he would die instantly.

Oh, I am sorry, said the Queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex.

Oh my God, said the Queen, whats happening in there?

The Doctor replied, Same problem, better health plan.

A is for Arteries. You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didnt care for you, you twit. She was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.



B is for bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then Die!



C is for call ya later. She wont. She never has before.



D is for dumped. Does D need to be explained?



E is for eating like a pig. Remember when you took her out and she said Im not hungry so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restarant. Then she ate more than your uncle Roy (you remember uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything.) So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.



F is for friends. That is what she just wanted to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.



G is for gun. And yes, there is a waiting period.



H is for Horny. Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well you figure it out.



I stands for I still hate her. Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers favors.



J stands for Jim. That is her new boyfriend. Doesnt Jim have a nice car? Doesnt Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.



K stands for kill.



L is for love. Its a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties.



L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.



M is for Mephistophiles. That is who she worked for.



N stands for Necropheliac. She didnt move very much, did she?



O is for On top. When on top..she has another O word.



P is for pill. She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.



Q is for Quitter. She couldnt last.



R is for Rich little Bitch. She bought my love but I paid for it.



S stands for stab. Stabbing would be fun.



S also stands for Steve. Steve was the guy that was sleeping with her. Steve is a bad person. Perhaps you should stab Steve.



T is for torture. Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth, she also tortured you with lies. She even tortured you with whips and hand-cuffs and worse with her teeth during blowjobs.



U is for understatement. Saying you hate that f***ing bitch is an understatement.



V is for Voluptuous. That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.



W stands for wine. Wine is expensive. She loved wine. She got drunk awfully slow though. After too much wine she liked to screw. But after too much she puked; that is, from the wine. Not the activity.



X is for Xylophone. Because X is always for Xylophone.



Y stands for You suck. Remember when she yelled that at you?



Z stands for ZZZZZZZZ. Remember all those times you wanted to have sex and she would tell you she had a headache and would go to sleep…



.. stands for period. Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you wont get any for a week.

Harry and Bert two intrepid explorers are walking through the jungle, when suddenly they are set upon by fierce man-eating cannibals. They are trussed up in a trice and carried off back to the cannibals village,

Here they are stripped and placed in a big cauldron of water, the natives then start chopping up vegtables and throwing them into the water as well. Now Harry and Bert are a little preturbed to be next on the hor deurves list so they call for the Chief of the cannibals.

Well, the Chief comes to see them and asks what they want. Harry and Bert ask the Chief if there is any way they can get out of being cooked and eaten by the cannibals. Well the Chief says there is the ancient test of the jungle fruits.

What do we have to do say the intrepid explorers. Well, says the Chief, you go off into the jungle and bring back a jungle fruit of some kind and we put you to a test, and if you can perform the test we will let you go free.

Seems fair, think our heros. So they agree to take part in the ancient test of the jungle fruits. Well, Harry and Bert set off into the jungle to find some fruit. After about an hour Harry returns with a bunch of grapes.

I have brought these back, Chief, he says, now, what is the test I have to do?

The Chief says Its quite simple. You have to insert all thoase grapes up your rectum, and if you can do that without laughing, we will let you go!

Ok, says Harry. And he commences his arduous task. Well, Ol Harry is doing really well, he gets to the last grape of the bunch, and just as he starts to insert it, he looks up and bursts into fits of raucous laughter!

The Chief cannot believe it! He orders Harry put back into the cooking pot. Tell me, he says to Harry, I cant believe it,how come you got all those grapes in and just as you were about to get the last one in you burst out laughing?

Harry says, Well Chief, as I put the last grape in I looked up and saw Bert coming back from the jungle with his fruit. When I saw what he was bringing I just couldnt stop myself!

Bert is carrying a bunch of COCONUTS!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
House boy!
House boy who?
Great, House boy you?