Old and New Jokes

So, a gay man goes to church one Sunday. As the offering basket is passed, he drops in a big wad of bills. When the basket gets back to the minister, he notices the wad of money and announces: "Someone here was very generous in the offering today. I would like to ask the person who gave this large amount of money to please stand." The gay man stood up. The minister continued, "Well, sir, we certainly do appreciate your generosity. And to show our appreciation, Im going to let you select your three favorite hymns.""Okay," the gay man replied, "Ill take him, him and him!"

A ventriloquist walks into a small Australian town and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog and figures hell have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: Gday mate. Good looking dog… mind if l speak to him?

Local: The dog doesnt talk, you stupid man.

Ventriloquist: Hey dog, hows it going old mate?

Dog: Doin all right.

Local: (Look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): Is this man your owner?

Dog: Yep.

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and lakes me to the river once a week to play.

Local: (Look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: Mind if I talk to your horse?

Local: Uh, the horse doesnt talk either… I think.

Ventriloquist: Hey horse, hows it going?

Horse: Cool.

Local: (Absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist (pointing at local): Is this your owner?

Horse: Yep.

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.

Local: (Total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: ‘Mind if l talk to your sheep?

Local: The sheeps a bloody liar!

Un abogado mantiene un romance con su secretaria. Al poco tiempo esta queda embarazada y aquel, que no quiere que su esposa se entere, le da a ésta una buena suma de dinero y le pide que se vaya a dar a luz bien lejos… a Italia.

¿Y cómo te hago saber cuando nazca el bebé?, pregunta perpleja la amante.

Tan sólo envíame una postal y escribe espagueti por detrás. No te preocupes, yo me encargaré de todos los gastos.

Pasan seis meses y una mañana, la esposa del abogado lo llama al bufete exaltada:

Querido, acabo de recibir el correo y hay una postal muy extraña de Italia. La verdad no entiendo qué significa.

El picapleitos, preocupado y nervioso, contesta:

Espera a que llegue a casa y te explico.

Cuando el hombre llega a casa y lee la tarjeta, cae al suelo fulminado por un infarto. Llega una ambulancia y se lo llevan. Ya en el hospital, el médico jefe se queda a confortar a la esposa y le pregunta que cuál ha sido el trauma que ha precipitado tal ataque cardíaco. Entonces, la esposa recoge la postal y lee:

Espagueti, espagueti, espagueti, espagueti, espagueti, tres con salchichas y albóndigas y dos con almejas.

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a dept. store and asks –

W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?



The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.



The man repeats himself: W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment?

Again, the clerk doesnt answer him.



The guy asks several more times: W-w-w-wheres the m-m-m-mens dep-p-p-partment? And the clerk just seems to ignore him.

Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.



The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, why wouldnt you answer that guys question?



The clerk answers, D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!

The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed:
They ran out of scaffolding.

Once upon a time, the Fiorelli family took a trip to the zoo. Pappa, Guido, had to make a stop at the little boys room while Momma, Flore, was showing their little girl, Gina, the elephants.

Gina saya, Momma, whatsa that thing hanging adown from thata elephant?

Momma replies, Thatsa his trunka.

Gina says, No, Momma, whatsa that other thing?

Oh, Momma answers, thatsa his tail.

NO, MOMMA, NO, cries Gina, whatsa that OTHER thing?

After a few embarrassed seconds, Momma says, Oh, dearie, thatsa nothing.

Guido comes back and its Mommas turn to use the little girls room. While theyre waiting, Gina asks, Pappa, whatsa that thing hanging down from thata elephant?

Thatsa hees trunka. replies Pappa.

No, Pappa, says Gina, whatsa thata other thing?

Oh, thatsa hees tail. answeres Pappa.

NOOOOOOOO, PAPPA! THAT thing righta THERE on THATA ELEPHANT! cries Gina, gesturing and pointing wildly.

Oh, says Pappa, thatsa hees penis.

Gina looks a little puzzled, turns to Pappa and says, Momma says thatsa nothing.

Guido grabs himself (in the traditional Italian gesture) and says, Thatsa because Mommasa SPOILED!

[Editors warning: Some profanity and mature situations, but
not enough for a rotation. Youve been warned.]

THE HISTORY OF THE BBS USER

A Musical Drama in -V- parts

PART I

Dear SysOp:

I am a new uzer. I am ate yearz old and I have just gotten my
first modem. I like to download lotsa files as long as you dont
hafta upload in return. Pleez give me access on your bord.

Joe Blow.

Dear Joe:

I have given you minimal access in the kiddie file and message
areas. We suggest that you learn to spell and learn your proper place
in this community before attempting higher levels of access.

SysOp

Dear SysOp:

I kant figure out how to D/L [note users discovery of BBS
abbreviations]. I have tried to use XModem with no sucsess, and then
I tried ZModem and everything went kablooie. Please help me so that I
can download your good filez.

Joe Blow.

Dear Joe:

Youre an idiot, but we like you. We think you have potential.
Ill tell you what Im going to do. Im going to teach you how to use
the file section, but youre going to learn to use it by UPLOADING
[imagine teary-eyed face cringed with fear at this prospect]. Next
time you log on, page me to chat and Ill show you how to upload a
file.

The SysOp

Dear SysOp:

Okay.

Joe Blow

[ Transcript of first chat with SysOp follows ]

Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P

Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .

The SysOp is here!

Hello, Joe!

NO CARRIER [ Joe hangs up, torn with fear ]

[ Transcript of second chat with SysOp follows ]

Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: P

Paging your SysOp! . . . . . . .

The SysOp is here!

Hello, Joe!

[ Long pause ]

Heelo.

Do you want me to show you how to upload, now?

[ Another pause ]

Yes.

Okay…Ill walk you through it.

Exiting chat …

Select [M, F, E, C, P, G]: F

Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: C

Change to which area? 1

Changing to upload area (1).

Select [U, D, C, L, F, S]: U

Select a protocol

<X> XModem
<Y> YModem
<Z> ZModem

The SysOp is here!

Okay, Joe. Tell your program you want to upload by pressing PgUp when
you want to start the transfer.

Exiting chat …

Select [X, Y, Z]: X

Enter filename to upload: APROGRAM.ZIP

Begin your upload procedure…

1 file(s) transfered successfully!

The SysOp is here!

See, that wasnt so hard, was it?

Nnno.

Well, to download, you do the same thing in reverse.

Okay! Cool!

By the way, what was it you uploaded, anyway?

I dont know…I got it from one of my friends. Its something called
a virus.

NO CARRIER

Dear Joe:

I looked at the program you uploaded. If you ever upload a virus
again, Ill kill you slowly, and your little dog too. You have a lot
to learn, kid.

The mildly pissed SysOp

PART II (one year later)

Dear SysOp:

I uploaded those files you asked me for. My upload ratio is now
better than my download ratio. Can you pleez let me in on some of the
better file areas?

Joe

Dear Joe:

Okay. I think you deserve it. Im going to let you into some of
the other file areas.

By the way, dont upload anything that has the words cracked by
on it anymore. I could get in big trouble.

By the way, a protocol is a way to transfer files, not a matter
of etiquette.

The SysOp

Dear SysOp:

Okay. I just thought you might like that game. Something about
those Amazon Women just appeeled to me.

Joe

Dear Joe:

You skip school to call here, dont you? Cant you call
somewhere else for a change?

The SysOp

Dear SysOp:

You mean there are other BBSes out there? Why didnt you tell me
about them before?

Joe Blow

Dear Joe:

You never were this annoying before. Try the Weirdos
Hideaway, 555-6543.

The SysOp

[ The user does not call for 7 weeks, as he discovers other BBSes ]
[ Eventually, he decides to call back and batch upload all the warez ]
[ That he collected on his leech festivals ]

Dear SysOp:

I learned how to phreak last week! Its a lot of phun and you
dont have to pay when you download philes [ it is obvious that the
kid has been calling California boards, where they spell all f
sounds with ph]. Among the warez Im uploading to you is a program
called Code Thief. It will help you phreak too!

Joe

Dear Joe:

Phreaking is a bad business. Dont you think they can figure out
where those calls you are making are coming from? They can. I
suggest you stop before you get yourself and your parents in trouble.

Your SysOp

Dear SysOp:

Whats wrong with phreaking? Its not like its illegal or
anything.

Joe.

Dear Joe:

Youre so full of shit, you stink.

Your SysOp

Dear SysOp:

One of my friends that I met on a board in California [ see! we
told you ] had something happen to him called getting busted. What
does that mean?

Joe

Dear Joe:

It means that he was arrested. Probably for phreaking. Hell
probably tell the feds that you phreak too in order to get a lighter
sentence. Youre f*cked, kid. In fact, Ill probably delete you from
here in case the feds start sniffing around.

The SysOp.

[ When the kid logs on next, he sees the following message ]

Two four six eight, who do we appreciate?

NOT YOU, NOT YOU, YEAH!

Your access has been lowered to sub absolute zero. You are nothing.
You can do nothing. Dont ever call here again or well shoot you
with lime jello and throw you in a bathtub with Roseanne Barr.

NO CARRIER

Just kidding.

NO CARRIER <click!>

PART III

[ About a month later, the kid calls the board under an assumed name ]
[ By assumed name, I mean that the SysOp can do nothing but assume ]
[ that its the little leech. ]

Dear SysOp:

I am a new user and would like lots of access so I can upload and
download. I dont use message bases because I think theyre stupid.

Joe Blow

[ the kid realizes his mistake in putting his real name and tries in ]
[ vain to use the message editor so he can remove his name and put ]
[ in his alias ]

***

[ He fails miserably and winds up with: ]

Joe Blow Assumed Name How the Hell???? NO CARRIER

W d
h i I ?
a d o
t d

Dear Joe:

You havent learned anything in the past two years have you.
Youre an a$$hole. If you have a dog, I hope it dies.

F*ck you.

Dear SysOp:

What do you mean? I am a new modem user. I have never called a
BBS before.

Assumed Name.

Dear Assumed/Joe/Whatthef*ckeveryournameis:

Youre a little liar. Go to hell and dont ever call here again
or Ill r*pe your sister.

Eat me.

Dear SysOp:

My sisters only 5 years old.

[ SysOp breaks into chat ]

The SysOp is here!

Thats all the better. Ill bring my shoehorn!!!

[ Line noise, SysOp is screaming into phone with the wind of the big ]
[ bad wolf ]

NO CARRIER

PART IV, in which the kid stops calling the board for a time to lay
low. In the interim, the feds have come to his house to question him.
He cracks under their interrogation and spills everything. The little
shit names the BBS he has been calling for the last two years as his
favorite computer hang out. How stupid. He must be a cabbage or
something.

After cracking under the pressure of the FBI he calls the SysOp to
warn him and to make ammends. He fails miserably. NO CARRIER.

[ After several attempts at logging on under his real name (which has ]
[ been locked out of the system) he uses the name John Smith (how ]
[ original…remember the cabbage?) and leaves a message to the ]
[ SysOp ]

Dear SysOp:

I just thought Id warn you that someone tipped the feds off
about your board and that theyll be coming to question you about your
illegal activities. Maybe you should go into hiding.

Joe Blow,
Shit…how do you edit a line…fuck fuck fuck.

Dear Joe:

You little prick!!!!!! What the hell did you tell them. I dont
run no illegal board. I think Ill shoot you AND r*pe your sister and
kill your little dog, too. As a matter of fact, Im on my way. Shit,
theres a knock at the door. It BETTER not be the feds.

F*ck you eat me suck my dick you little f*cker.

PART V, in which the kid and the SysOp make a court appearance and
exchange heated words.

The courtroom is filled with credit card frauders and phreakers,
much to the SysOps dismay because it makes him look bad. The only
thing that keeps going through his mind (driving him nuts) is Good
morning, the worm, your honor. He wishes he had a shotgun so he
could shoot the kid. He does, however, have his shoehorn.

PROSECUTOR: Mr. SysOp, you have a user on your BBS system named Joe
Blow, is this correct.

SYSOP : No, I used to, but I locked the little shit out.

DEFENSE : Objection your honor, hes a little prick, not a little
shit.

JUDGE : Sustained. Mr. SysOp, I will kindly ask you to keep your
answers truthful.

[ Welcome to hell. How DO you like it??????? ]

KID : Im not either of those things!

JUDGE,
PROSECUTOR,
DEFENSE,
SYSOP,
in unison : YES YOU ARE!!!!!!!!!!

[ the kid shuts up ]

KID : He sells stolen credit cards!

JUDGE : Is this true, Mr. SysOp?

SYSOP : Absolutely not! The kids a liar!

PROSECUTOR: Your honor, we would like a recess to build a case
against Mr. SysOp.

SYSOP : WHAT? Youre going to believe this little f*cker?

DEFENSE : OBJECTION!

JUDGE : Sustained! The court has already established that the
little f*cker is a little prick.

DEFENSE : Your honor, we move for a mistrial!

JUDGE : F*ck you, this court is in recess.

[ The trial drags on and the kids parents are finded copious amounts]
[ of money, and the SysOp goes to jail for credit card fraud because ]
[ the kid couldnt think of anything else to say about the SysOp to ]
[ save his ass. ]

A lawyer walks into his clients death row cell and says, Ive got good news, and bad news for you.



The prisoner says, Okay. Whats the bad news?



The bad news is that the Governor wont issue a stay of your execution.



Oh thats terrible. What possibly could be the good news?



The good news is that I got your voltage reduced!

I heard that they got all of the Sadam look-alikes together and told them that they have some good news and some bad news.

The good news was that Sadam survived the bombings, so they all still had jobs.

One of the look-alikes asked,

Whats the bad news?

The bad news, they were told, was that he lost an arm and an eye.

Why doesnt george w. bush eat parrots?A little thing called cannibalism.