Old and New Jokes

Cierta noche, iba un tipo en su vehículo conduciendo, cuando de pronto ve a lo lejos, a la orilla de la carretera, unas luces brillantes y de colores que resplandecían.

Muy preocupado, se acerca al objeto que emitía las luces, y en medio de la oscuridad se convence que es un platillo volador. Un poco mas allá ve moverse algo que parece un ser pequeño y que supone es un marciano.

Entonces, para hacer amistad dice:

Yo ser Pedro González, ser del planeta tierra y venir en son de paz.

La criatura le responde: y yo soy Juan Pérez, chofer de la ambulancia y estoy cagando ¡imbécil!

Once there was a little boy named Jimmy. One day jimmy asked his Dad if he could take a shower with him. His Dad said OK but dont look down. So they got in and Jimmy looked down and said Daddy whats that? His Dad said that is my limo. That same day Jimmy asked his mother if he could take a shower with her. She said OK but only if you dont look up and you dont look down. So they got in and Jimmy looked up and asked What are those? and his mom said those are my head lights. Then Jimmy looked down and he asked his mom What is that? She said that is my garage. Jimmy said Oh! Later that evening Jimmy decided that he wanted to sleep with his parents in their bed. They said OK but dont look under the covers. The next morning at the breakfast table Jimmy exclamed

Mommy! Last night I squeesed your head lights to make them turn on but it didnt work! Jimmy! his mother yelled. Why did you do that? Well, Jimmy began, Daddy was trying to park his limo in your garage but my little sports car beat him in!

Our program,



Who art in memory,



Hello be thy name.



Thy spreadsheets be formatted,



thy code be downloaded,



from disk



as it will be in memory.



Give us on screen



our data spreads,



and forgive us our typos,



as we forgive those who ask that we document.



Lead us not into frustration,



but deliver us from glitches.



For thine is the algorithm,



the application,



and the solution,



looping forever and ever.



Return.

Dont permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met OK, so whats the speed of dark? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever – so far, so good Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines Im not cheap, but I am on special this week I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough! Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder … 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When Im not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Two baseball players promised each other. If one of them died frist he will come back as a ghost to tell if there was baseball in heaven. So one of them dies and comes back as a ghost and says, I have some good news and some bad news. Then the other persom says,tell me. so he says,The good news is there is baseball in heaven but the bad news is that your pitching tomorrow.

New Summer Seminars for Women

The Auto Hood Release, What Is It And Why Is It There

Life Beyond Shoes

Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with.

What do you mean?

asked the attorney.

Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?

No, he doesnt, replied the woman, and neither does the little queer.

78.2% of all statistics are meaningless.

Many, many years ago

when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow

who was pretty as could be,

This widow had a daughter

Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my fathers wife.

To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,

Then that also made him brother

To the widows grown-up daughter

Who, of course was my stepmother.

Fathers wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughters son.

My wife is now my mothers mom.

And it surely makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She is my grandma too.

If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa!!!