Old and New Jokes

A teacher notices that Little Johnny, at the back of the class, is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out whats up. Hes quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and hes quite itchy.

The teacher has him go down to the principals office to phone his mom, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this, returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, theres a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

I thought I told you to call your mom, she says.

I did, he says, and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon shed come and pick me up from school.

there is 3 guys one was a american jewish the others was israeli and the other was rabbi so they are heaven and they go to a place were they could meet girls so the guy who runs the place tells them i want you to go one at a time and dont touch the goose or trip over the goose so the american jewish gos in and comes back with an ugly girl and the other two ask him what happend and the guy replys i touched the goose


then the rabbi gos in and comes back with an ugly girl and they asked him the same question and he answers i triped over the goose. So the israelin gos in and he comes out with a hot chick and the other two ask him what happend but before he could answer the girl answers i touched the goose

Three men are golfing. There is Jesus, Moses and an old man.

Theyve been pretty evenly matched until they arrive at the 11 hole to find a huge water trap. Moses tees up, and smacks that ball right out into the middle of the trap. Without a second thought he parts the water, hits the ball and gets it on the fairway, one stroke from the green.

Then Jesus tees up. He smacks his ball right into the middle of the water trap. Without a second thought he walks out on the water, and hits that ball right onto the green.

Finally the old man tees up. He hits the ball into the water trap.

A fish swims up from the bottom of the trap with the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, picks up the fish and carries it over the hole, where the fish drops the ball and it plops into the hole. Jesus looks at the old man as Moses pencils another 1 in the old mans card. Alright Dad, stop showing off!

A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.



Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator, he cried out.



However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.



Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake.

Una mujer llama a su doctor para pedir una cita de emergencia pero se niega a decir a la secretaria cual es el problema, ya que se trata de un asunto penoso.

Ya en el consultorio del doctor, la conducen al cuarto de exploraciones y cuando el doctor llega, ella dice: Doctor, estoy muy apenada por esto. Se supone que tendría que ir al ginecólogo por esto, pero no confío en nadie más que en usted. El doctor accede a ayudarla y le hace un examen ginecológico.

Me temo que no hay nada que yo pueda hacer, dice el doctor. Parece que usted tiene algún tipo de aparato electrónico atorado muy dentro de su vagina, y no hay manera de que pueda sacarlo.

¿Sacarlo? ¿Quién dijo algo acerca de sacarlo? ¡Lo que quiero es que le cambie las pilas!

Un soldado va a una tienda atendida por una viejecita. El militar se dirige a la anciana:

Señora, de casualidad, ¿no tuviera un taladro que me pueda prestar?

¿Cómo para qué?

Es que mi casco tiene una rajadura y quiero hacerle un hueco para que la rajadura no se corra.

¡Ah, después de tantos años, ya sé porqué tenemos el culo: para que la concha no se nos corra hasta la nuca!

Q: Why did they kick the midget out of the nudist colony?

A: He kept sticking his nose in everyone elses business!

Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they do arrive, everyones whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that theyll eat everything by the time he gets back. Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles graves that they wont touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady. Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice. "NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised." Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock. "Just for that, Im not going."

Two Indian friends had settled in England. One had been living there
for some years and had caught on the some of their odd euphemisms. The other,
a recent settle, was as yet unaware of them. They were invited for dinner
by their English friends. After they had their drinks, their hostess asked
them, “Would you like a wash before I serve dinner?” The knowledgeable one
replied, “No thanks.” The new settler replied, “I washed my hands before
I came.”

On their way back after dinner the older settler admonished his
friend. “My dear chap, in England ‘would you like a wash’ does not mean
‘would you like to wash your hands.’ It is a polite way of asking would
you like to urinate?” The new settler made a mental note of it.

Some days
later when he ws invited by another English friend and after he had his
drinks he was asked by his hostess: “Would you like a wash before I serve
dinner?” He replied promptly, “No, thank you madam. I washed against a tree
before coming to your house.”