Old and New Jokes

Its kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?

A Chinese and an American man were having a conversation.

The American said, In the States we have elections every fourth year. How about
you?

The Chisese man replied, Thats awful! I have an election almost evely
molning!

Joke found on http://www.avaruusmies.com

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics.

So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying Ehhhh… 22!

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.

And can you tell us your height, please?

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces Five foot two!

This isnt looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee wont have to count, measure, or lookup.

Just to confirm for our records, your name please?

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying MANDY!

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks –

What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?

Ohhhh, that! replies the airhead…

I was just running through that song –

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear…

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks youre stupid, stand up!"After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think youre stupid, Little Johnny?""No, maam, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbour lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, You should be hung!

To which he calmly replied, I am. Thats why she cuts the grass!

NEG FRI FRI FRI THU
WED TUE

8 7 6 5 4 32

16 15 14 12 11 10
9

23 22 21 20 19 18
17

32 30 28 27 26 25
24

3938373635
3433

1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs.
All rush jobs are wanted yesterday. With this
calendar a job can be ordered on the 7th and delivered
on the 3rd.

2. Most jobs are required by Friday, so there are three
Fridays in every week.

3. There are eight new days added to each month to allow
for end-of-the-month panic jobs.

4. There is no 1st of the month – thus avoiding late
delivery of the previous months last-minute panic jobs.

5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished together with
non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.

6. A new day – Negotiation Day – has been introduced keeping
the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

Esto es un amigo que se encuentra con un viejo conocido y le pregunta:

Hombre, Pepe, ¿qué ha sido de tu vida?

Pues nada… Muy mal, mi hijo tiene cáncer.

¡Vaya, por Dios, qué putada! ¿Le estaréis ayudando y tendréis muchos gastos, no?

¡Uf, una barbaridad! Imagínate: entre médicos, medicinas, quimioterapia, tranchetes…

¡Oye, cómo que tranchetes!

¡Sí, sí, joder, es que es lo único que cabe por debajo de la puerta!

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for 96. The only Thing he was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges, and even the high schools, and he couldnt find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a Super Bowl win.



Then one night, while watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier with a truly incredible arm. First, he threw a hand grenade straight into a 15th story window over 200 yards away –ka-boom! Next, he threw another hand grenade into a group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away–ka-blooey!



Then, a car passes going 90 miles an hour– bulls-eye! Another grenade right into the barely open window.



Ive got to get this guy, Al says to himself. He has the perfect arm!



So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football. Predictably, the young man breaks all NFL records for completed passes, accuracy and touchdowns. The Raiders go on to handily win the Super Bowl.



The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of Super Bowl XXXI, and When Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother.



Al arranges for the call and hands the phone to his young quarterback: Mom, the young man says into the receiver, I just won the Super Bowl!



I dont want to talk to you, the old woman says. You deserted us. Youre no longer my son.



I dont think you understand, mother the young man pleads. I just won the greatest sporting event in the world. Im in the middle of thousands of adoring fans.



No, let me tell you, the mother implores. At this very moment, there are gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week your sister was raped in broad daylight….



The old lady pauses, in tears…

…Ill never forgive you for moving us to Oakland!

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. Youre running around with other women, she charged.

Youre being unreasonable, Adam responded. Youre the only woman on earth. The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest.

It was Eve. What do you think youre doing? Adam demanded.

Counting your ribs, said Eve.

Yo mama so poor I walked into her house, asked her to use the toilet and she handed me 2 large sticks.

I asked what are theyre for and she says use one to hold up the ceiling, and the other one is to fight of the roaches .