An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life! They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said…let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down.
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….
* she called me to get my phone number.
* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice
box because it said "concentrate."
* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted
to make up her mind.
*she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
*she tried to drown a fish.
*she thought a quarterback was a refund.
*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to
death.
*she tripped over a cordless phone.
*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
*she studied for a blood test.
*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around
the home, she moved.
*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus
twice instead.
*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign
that said "Airport Left" she turned around
and went home
Joke from our friends in India…Once as Laloo was coming out of airport, there was huge rush and the security guard told him, "Wait Please." To which Laloo replied, "65 kgs," and moved on.
Two girls go out one weekend without their husbands and got somewhat inebriated.
Staggering on their way home, they both desperately need a wee and with no public toilets in sight the nearest venue was a cemetery, so they both ducked behind the fence to relieve themselves. After theyd
finished, the first woman took off her knickers to wipe herself and then
threw them away. The other woman, realising she was wearing some
very expensive knickers, didnt want to throw hers away and so looked
around for something else and decided on using the ribbon off a nearby
wreath.
So now, feeling a lot better, they carried on with their stagger home.
The following morning the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone. One commented, I think we need to start keeping a closer eye on our wives you know. I reckon theyre up to no good. My wife came home last night without any knickers on!
The other one replied, Tell me about it! If you think thats bad, my wife
came home with a card stuck to her arse that read – All the members of the District Fire Brigade will never forget you.
A donkey walks into the bar and the bartender asks, Why the long face?
1. The monitor is up on blocks.
2. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.
3. The six front keys have rotted out.
4. The extra RAM slots have Dodge Truck parts stored in them.
5. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
6. The password is BUBBA.
7. Theres a gun rack mounted on the CPU.
8. Theres a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
9. The keyboard is camouflaged.
10. The Mouse is referred to as a Critter
This is Captain of your plane speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard Indian Airways flight 596 Bombay to GOA. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Arabian Sea.
If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.
If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.
If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.
Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, I dont feel like it, I just want you to hold me. I said WHAT????!!! What was that?! So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…Youre just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man. She responded to my puzzled look by saying, Cant you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom? Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldnt decide which one to take so I told her, well just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelers department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited.
She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesnt even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, Thats fine, honey. She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, I think this is all dear, lets go to the cashier.
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, No honey, I dont feel like it. Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT???!!! I then said, Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. Youre just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. And just when she had this look like
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Gandhi!
Gandhi who!
Gandhi cane!
Picture an old, musty saloon in Southwest Texas filled with ole West and cattle
raisin memorabilia. At the bar an old rough and ready cowhand with a dirty
Stetson and well-worn boots and faded Levis, sits with a glass and a half empty
bottle of Red Eye. A beautiful young thing comes in and sits right beside him.
She looks him over and asks, Are you a real cowboy?
He looks back at her and says, I get up at the crack of dawn, saddle an old
horse, round up long horns, corral doggies, rope and brand calves, eat dust from
moving herds, live on half-baked beans and bad coffee 365 days a year. Yeah, Im
a real cowboy. Are you a real model?
No, she says. Im a lesbian. I wake up in the morning thinking how empty my
bed looks without a sweet young, naked girlish body lying next to me, I bathe
wishing there was a young nubile body in there with me that I could rub with
soap, I go to breakfast thinking of pert little boobs and nice flat tummies that
I would love to massage, I spend the whole day thinking of nude girls and naked
mature women. Yes, Im a real lesbian.
An hour later another pair of tourists sits down beside the old cowpoke and ask,
Are you a real cowboy?
He looks at them and says, I always thought so until an hour ago when I found
out I was a lesbian.