Old and New Jokes

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I cant forget last night.You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body…you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me.Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events.My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishings, making it harder to forget you.Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you…..you !@#$ mosquito!

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says Hey, how bout it? You and me, gettin it on. Ive got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money. She stands up and says, What makes you think I charge by the inch?

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

How are you grandpa? he asks.

Feeling fine, says the old man.

Whats the food like?

Terrific, wonderful menus.

And the nursing?

Just couldnt be better. These young nurses really take care of you.

What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?

No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 oclock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and thats it.I go out like a light.

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. What are you people doing, he says, Im told youre giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that cant be true?

Oh, yes, replies the Sister. Every night at 10 oclock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.

The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!

dragonballgt trunks

Not for those who take their religion TOO seriously…

Taoism:
Shit happens
 
Confucianism:
Confucius said: Shit happens
 
Buddhism:
If shit happens, it isnt really shit.
 
Zen:
Whats the sound of shit happening?
 
Hinduism:
This shit has happened before!
 
Islam:
If shit happens, it is the will of Allah!
 
Protestantism:
Let shit happen to someone else.
 
Catholicism:
If shit happens, you deserve it.
 
Judaism:
Why does this shit always happen to us?
 
Atheism:
I dont believe this shit!
 
Agnosticism:
Whats this shit?

This guy walks into a bar, and sits down at the bar. There is a really good looking girl alone at the end of the bar. He catches her eye, and smiles at her. She gives him an icy stare in return.

A little while later he tries again, and is rebuked. He calls the bartender over. Listen, Id really like to meet that girl, can you help me.

Sure says the bartender, have you ever heard of Jewish Fly.


No, is it like Spanish Fly, replies the man.

Much better than that. Says the bartender.

The bartender mixes the girl a drink, (with the Jewish fly of course) and gives it to her.

A little later she smiles at the man. After a few more minutes and she began to lick her lips suggestively.

The man walks over, sits down and says May I get you another drink

No, she says in a deep sexy voice,

But you can take me shopping

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.



Well the first guy says, I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.



Well the second guy says, Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.



Well the third guy says, Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.



Well the fourth guys clearly states, Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.



The other three guys say really? Whys that?



And the fourth guys says, Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didnt know what to do … so I shit my pants!

One day a Canadian an Indian and an American went to a cliff.

The American says Lets each throw something over the cliff
that we have too much of in our countries.

The American throws $100. The other two say Whatd ya do that
for? The American replies Money weve got plenty of it in the US.

The Indian pulls out a bag of weed and throws it over. The other
two say Whatd ya do that for? The Indian relpies Drugs, weve got
it too much in India.

The Canadian throws the Indian over the cliff. The American says
That was kinda cold, what was that for? The Canadian replies:
Weve too much of that in our country.