Old and New Jokes

You have reached the private secure CIA hotline.

This call has been traced, and you may expect 30 angry agents to kick down your door at any moment.

[BEEP]

A little girl became restless as the preachers sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?

yo momma so nasty her crabs uses her tampon string as a bungee cord

A young boy comes in from playing with his friend to ask his father a question. Dad, what is a penis?

I will show you, the father says, unzipping his fly. That, my son, is a perfect penis.

The boy returns to his young playmate outside. So? What did your father say? the friend asks.

The young boy unzips his pants and says, This is a penis – and if it was four inches shorter it would be a *perfect* penis.

How Come No One Fights in Big Famous Nations Anymore?, they ask

Washington, D.C. (SatireWire.com) — A delegation of American high school students today demanded the United States stop waging war in obscure nations such as Afghanistan, Kuwait, and Bosnia-Herzegovina, and instead attack places theyve actually heard of, such as France, Australia, and Austria, unless, they said, those last two are the same country.

People claim we dont know as much geography as our parents and grandparents, but its so not our fault, Josh Beldoni, a senior at Fischer High School in Los Angeles, told the Senate Armed Services Committee. Back then they only had wars in, like, Germany and England, but were supposed to know about places like Somalia and Massachusetts.

Macedonia, corrected committee Chairman Carl Levin of Michigan.

See? said Beldoni.

Beldonis frustration was shared by nearly three dozen students at the hearing, who blamed the U.S. military for making them look bad.

I totally support our soldiers and all that, but I am seriously failing both geography and social studies because I keep getting asked to find Croatia or Yemvrekia, or whatever bizarre-o country we send troops to, said Amelia Nash, a junior at Clark High School in Orlando, Fla. Cant we fight in, like, Italy? Its boot-shaped.

Chairman Levin however, explained that Italy was a U.S. ally, and that intervention is usually in response to a specific threat.

OK, what about Arulco? interrupted Tyler Boone, a senior at Bellevue High School in Wisconsin. Thats a country in Jagged Alliance 2 run by the evil Queen Deidranna. Im totally familiar with that place. Shes a major threat.

Jagged … ? said Levin.

Alliance. Its a computer game.

Well, no, Levin answered. We cant attack a fictional country.

Yeah right, Boone mumbled. Like Grenada was real.

The students testimony was supported by a cross-section of high school geography teachers, who urged the committee to help lay a solid foundation for Americas young people by curtailing any intervention abroad.

Since the anti-terror war began, most of my students can now point to Afghanistan on a map, which is fine, but those same kids still dont know the capitals of Nevada and Ohio, said Richard Gerber, who teaches at Rhymony High School in Atlanta. I think we need to cut back on our activities overseas and take care of business at home, and if that means invading Tallahassee (Fla.) or Trenton (N.J.) so that students learn where they are, so be it.

Ive always wanted to stick it to Hartford (Conn.), said Sen. Lincoln Chafee of Rhode Island. Oh shit, is my microphone on?

The hearing adjourned after six hours. An estimated 2,000 more students were expected to hold a march in the nations capital, but forgot which city it was in.

Copyright © 1999-2002, SatireWire

Hottest new books:

Men are from Mars

Women are from Venus

Lawyers are from Uranus

Daffy (a blonde duck) was a bit behind schedule. Winter had arrived already and she was just heading south. As she was flying above a small lake, she spotted a net and figured it was just as good a time as any to stop for a snack. Perhaps she could steal a fish before someone caught her. When she landed by the net, there was quite the commotion and she was hit . . . by the puck.

Behind the seven seas and seven mountains, theres a castle. And in that castle theres a magic mirror. If you lie to that mirror, it will eat you.



A black-haired girl came and said: I think Im the prettiest! Zap! The mirror ate her.



A brunnette came: I think Im the prettiest! Zap! The mirror ate her too.



A blonde came and said: I think… Zap! The mirror ate her.

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I dont expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said, No, thats fine with me. Just understand that therell be sex here at seven oclock every night — whether youre here or not.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be jailed for contempt!