Old and New Jokes

Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.

You might be a redneck if…
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.

Once a Sardarji was travelling on a train. He had to get off on station that came up at 4 am. He asked the guy sitting opposite him on the train to wake him up at 4 am and gave him Rs 20 to do so. This guy was a barber, and felt that for Rs 20 the passenger deserved more service. So, when he fell asleep, the barber
quietly shaved off is beard!

When the station arrived, the Sardarji was woken up, and he went home. Reaching home he went to wash his face, and suddenly screamed when he saw the mirror. His wife said, Whats the matter? He replied, The cheat on the train has taken Rs 20 from me and has woken up someone else!!!

The Latin professor went into a bar after a hard day at work.

Whatll it be? asked the bartender.

A martinus, replied the Latin professor.

The bartender looked at the Latin professor, slightly puzzled.

Dont you mean martini?

If I wanted more than one, I would ask for more than one.

A girl phoned me the other day and said …. Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.

I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, do you think well ever find them? He said, I dont know kid, there are so many places they can hide.

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, youll have lost at least five pounds. When the blonde returns, shes lost nearly 20 pounds. Why, thats amazing! the doctor says. Did you follow my instructions? The blonde nods. Ill tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean? said the doctor. No, from skipping, replied the blonde.

A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife cant hear him.

How bad is it? the doctor asks.

I have no idea, the husband says.

Well, please test her. Stand 20 feet away from her and say something. If she doesnt hear you, get closer and say the same thing. Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you. That way well have an idea of her range of hearing loss.

So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner. From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner?

No answer. From 10 feet: Same thing. From 5 feet: Same thing. Finally, hes standing right behind her: Whats for dinner?

She turns around, looks at him and says:For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!

Dont worry. Ive had a vasectomy/hysterectomy. I wont come in your mouth, I promise. Im not really married. Its only a cold sore. Looks arent important to me. I like you for your personality. Size isnt important. This wont hurt, I promise. We dont have to go all the way, well just lie here and hold each other. Well always be together. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her. A man in the house is worth two in the street. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. All the good ones are taken. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs. Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant Do it only with the best. Dont do it if you cant keep it up. Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. Fornication: Term used by people who dont have anybody to screw with. If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. If the person isnt taken, theres a reason (corollary to the above ) If you cant stand his mother and he cant stand yours, then youre bound to get married. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the whole wide world, dont trust him; it means he experiments. It is always the wrong time of month. It is better to be looked over than overlooked. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden. Love comes in spurts. Love is a hole in the heart. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Love thy neighbor, but dont get caught. Money cant buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. Never argue with a women when shes tired, or rested. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you. Never say no. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Nice guys finish last. No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again. No sex with anyone in the same office. Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M. Nothing improves with age. One good turn gets most of the blankets. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone else. Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. Sex has no calories. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning. Sex is dirty only if its done right. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them. The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it. The best way to hold a man is in your arms. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings. The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later. The younger the better. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. There is no remedy for sex but more sex. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it. Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. Virginity can be cured. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him, and vice versa… When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body temperature.

Mary had a little skirt

Split right up the sides,

And every time she wore that skirt

The boys could see her thighs.

She also had another skirt

Split right up the front

But she never wore that one

Good Afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Northwest Flight 571, service to Los Angeles continuing on to San Diego. Before we take off, wed like to acquaint you with some of the safety features of this Boeing 767. You know about the emergency exits, oxygen masks, floating seat cushions, and so on, so we will not waste time with those. Consult the cards in your seat pocket for information on all features of our aircraft.

Please do pay attention to the new security features.

In the event of midair terrorism, a panel will open alongside the window seat, containing two lightweight automatic handguns. They are fully loaded, and extra clips are available in velcro straps. As the flight attendants are now demonstrating, to operate the pistol, simply draw back the slide and let it fall forward, then aim by lining up the slot in the rear site with the front site, centered on the middle of your targets torso. Depress the trigger repeatedly to fire. The pistol holds 10 rounds; after the last the slide will lock back. Depress the clip release button located above the grip on the left side, remove the clip and slide a new one into place. Please be careful of your field of fire, and continue firing until your target goes down.

Your seats backs are equipped with kevlar armor, stay well down and aim over the top or around the side.

Your flight attendants are all armed with compact submachine guns; please follow their lead in directing fire.

If you feel you are unable to perform these duties, or are a conscientious objector, please let our attentants know so we can reseat you in the cowards rows at the rear of the plane and not bring you drinks or peanuts.

For your safety, the aisles are equipped with electrified strips and computer controlled antipersonnel mines. For this reason, please remain in your seats until the captain has signalled all clear.

Note that the area around the cockpit is cleared of seats and marked with contrasting carpet. Under no circumstances should you cross this barrier during flight, various automatic devices will be activated to protect the cockpit.

The hatch in the floor at the back of the cabin is similarly marked and should be avoided during flight.

Anyone creating a disturbance, caught tampering with the pistol cases or smoke detectors in the lavatories will be apprehended and ejected via the rear floor hatch.

Thank you, and have a pleasant flight. We know you have a choice when you fly, and we thank you for choosing Northwest…