If you would lift me, you must be on higher ground.

Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.

Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.

This list is circulating among Forest Service employees. These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.

Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.

Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.

Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.

Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.

All the mile markers are missing this year.

Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse.

Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.

Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.

Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.

Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.

The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.

Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.

Need more signs to keep area pristine.

A McDonalds would be nice at the trailhead.

The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.

Too many rocks in the mountains.

DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES

Rewritten by the Quantum Mechanic
(Author Unknown)

Updated 8/7/88 W0PN

For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to
believe they were in business to supply electricity to the
consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The
recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known
power company has led to a massive research campaign which
positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax
which has been perpitrated upon the public by the power companies.

The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs
emitted light; in actuality, these light bulbs actually absorb
DARK which is then transported back to the power generation
stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been
coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.

This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker
theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the
fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle
(the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe.
Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not
suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT,
LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK… scientists have now
proven that light does not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs
suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where
you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the
darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited
range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to
suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field
have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home,
for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate
on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense
dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark
space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the
planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those
planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from
the Sun.

Occassionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those
conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun.
Scientists have long studied these sunspots and are only
recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks
of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such
an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This
leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with
radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the
dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via
the black holes in the surface of the Sun.

As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime
caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at
transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the
wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the
device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no
longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the
black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum
capacity of untransmitted dark… you have surely noticed that
dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer
has the capacity to suck any dark at all.

A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns
black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it.
If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the
tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing
into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an
electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no
transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive
darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate
because of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs
in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage
unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it
must be either emptied (a process called recharging) or replaced
before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you
break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside,
evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.

You get merit badge for picking the trifecta at Aqueduct
You help old ladies across I-95
First rule in handbook: Blame the kid who cant speak English
Youre part of a very special troop called the Gambino family
To become an Eagle Scout, you have to catch and eat a Bald Eagle
Since he cant get time off, troop leader holds meetings in his Century 21 office
You get busted for selling knot-tying secrets to Russian Boy Scouts
Scout master hands out his favorite campfire treat – Marlboro Lights
Troop motto: Be prepared…to lie on the witness stand
Every year you have to put on a skit and go door-to-door selling cookies

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

The following is true – the whole story can be found on p. 101 of the July Scientific American:

S.C.Johnson Corporation, maker of Raid, breeds 80,000 roaches a week to test its products on. It maintains a number of different breeds, including some pesticide-resistant ones.

One of the most resistant is called HRDC. These almost unkillable roaches are so named because they were collected from the halls of the House of Representatives in the District of Columbia.

Billys Letters

The following appeared in a computer magazine in Mr. Dvoraks column:

Dear Mr. Dvorak:

Ann Landers wouldnt print this. I have nowhere else to turn. I have to get the word out. Warn other parents. I must be rambling on. Let me try and explain.

Its about my son, Billy. Hes always been a good, normal ten year old boy. Well, last spring we sat down after dinner to select a summer camp for Billy. We sorted through the camp brochures. There were the usual camps with swimming, canoeing, games, singing by the campfire – you know. There were sports camps and specialty camps for weight reduction, music, military camps and camps that specialized in Tibetan knot tying.

I tried to talk him into Camp Winnepoopoo. Its where he went last year. (He made an adorable picture out of painted pinto beans and macaroni). Billy would have none of it. Billy pulled a brochure out of his pocket. It was for a COMPUTER CAMP!

We should have put our foot down right there, if only we had known. He left three weeks ago. I dont know whats happened. Hes changed. I cant explain it. See for yourself. These are some of my little Billys letters.

Dear Mom,

The kids are dorky nerds. The food stinks. The computers are the only good part. Were learning how to program. Late at night is the best time to program, so they let us stay up.

Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,

Camp is O.K. Last night we had pizza in the middle of the night. We all get to choose what we want to drink. I drink Classic Coke. By the way, can you make Szechuan food? Im getting used to it now. Gotta go, its time for the flowchart class.

Love, Billy.

P.S. This is written on a wordprocessor. Pretty swell, huh? Its spellchecked too.

Dear Mom,

Dont worry. We do regular camp stuff. We told ghost stories by the glow of the green computer screens. It was real neat. I dont have much of a tan cause we dont go outside very often. You cant see the computer screen in the sunlight anyway. That wimp camp I went to last year fed us weird food too. Lay off, Mom. Im okay, really.

Love, Billy.

Dear Mom,

Im fine. Im sleeping enough. Im eating enough. This is the best camp ever. We scared the counselor with some phony worm code. It was real funny. He got mad and yelled. Frederick says its okay. Can you send more money? I spent mine on a pocket protector and a box of blank diskettes. Ive got to chip in on the phone bill. Did you know that you can talk to people on a computer? Give my regards to Dad.

Love, Billy.

Dear Mother,

Forget the money for the telephone. Weve got a way to not pay. Sorry I havent written. Ive been learning a lot. Im real good at getting onto any computer in the country. Its really easy! I got into the universitys in less than fifteen minutes. Frederick did it in five, hes going to show me how. Frederick is my bunk partner. Hes really smart. He says that I shouldnt call myself Billy anymore. So, Im not.

Signed, William.

Dear Mother,

How nice of you to come up on Parents Day. Whyd you get so upset? I havent gained that much weight. The glasses arent real. Everybody wears them. I was trying to fit in. Believe me, the tape on them is cool. I thought that youd be proud of my program. After all, Ive made some money on it. A publisher is sending a check for $30,000. Anyway, Ive paid for the next six weeks of camp. I wont be home until late August.

Regards, William.

Mother,

Stop treating me like a child. True — physically I am only ten years old. It was silly of you to try to kidnap me. Do not try again. Remember, I can make your life miserable (i.e. – the bank, credit bureau, and government computers). I am not kidding. O.K.? I wont write again and this is your only warning. The emotions of this interpersonal communication drain me.

Sincerely, William.

See what I mean? Its been two weeks since Ive heard from my little boy.

What can I do, Mr.Dvorak? I know that its probably too late to save my little Billy. But, if by printing these letters you can save JUST ONE CHILD from a life of programming, please, I beg of you to do so.

Thank you very much.

Sally Gates,

Concerned Parent

The clerk at the post office counter told the woman, You have to put another stamp on this letter – its too heavy.

She replied, And thatll make it lighter?

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.)9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.10. Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roommates two front teeth…11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!13. Whip your roommate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.14. Tear down all your roommates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!15. Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!16. Tell your roommate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommates friends give it a yank.20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his win