Bill Gates died in an automible accident. When he was taken up to meet Him, He told Bill Bill, you have done alot of things for this world, you changed the way technology works. You were a great man so I am going to let you chose where you want to go Heaven or Hell. Bill said, Can I see them first? So bill went and saw what Hell looked like, It had a beach, palm trees, it was beautiful, sunny, there were rivers, to say the least it was beautiful. Bill was shocked, if this was hell then what did Heaven look like. So he went and checked it out. In heaven there were angels playing harps and it was relaxing. After thinking on it he decided to go to hell, so he got his wish! About a week laterHe went to check up on Bill, when He came, Bill yelled, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BEAUTIFUL BEACHES AND THE PALM TREES AND THE RIVERS. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SUN. AFTER YOU DROPPED ME OFF ALL OF THE BEAUTIFUL THNGS DISAPPERED AND THESE LITTLE CREAUTRES STARTED TO FEED ON ME! WHAT HAPPENED? Then a deep, loud voice came, WHAT YOU SAW WAS A SCREEN SAVER.
Three people are going to a bar.
The first two walk into the bar and get killed.
The third one ducks.
Things You Wish You Could Say at Work, but Probably Shouldnt
Well, arent we just a ray of @#$%-ing sunshine?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
Dont bother me. Im living happily ever after.
Do I look like a @#$%-ing people person?
This isnt an office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
You! Off my planet!!
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
116. Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
You get the most of what you need the least.
The road to to success is always under construction.
In the 22 May 1995 issue of The New Yorker (Price $2.50) there are five book review lampoons written by Christopher Buckley called Doing the McNamara (p. 100). All five are satirically sick. Here is an example:
Fluoridation Reconsidered
General Jack D. Ripper
Whoops Publishers, $18.95 (192p)
General Ripper is probably best known for destroying the world. In 1964, he ordered a wing of B-52 bombers to attack the Soviet Union, triggering the Soviets Doomsday Machine, which blanketed the world with fallout. His decision to start the Third World War was prompted by what he now candidly calls his paranoia in thinking that fluoridation of drinking water was a Communist plot to make him impotent. Ripper now reveals that hes spent the last thirty-one years undergoing some pretty hairy counselling, and that the therapy has allowed him to do something he never could before – cry. I now realize that tears are the most precious bodily fluid of all.
First printing 250,000.
Film rights to Stanley Kubrick.
Author tour.
A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest, said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest, said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
I would like to marry a man with one draggin on the ground!, said the youngest daughter.
From Readers Digest:
During a sermon our pastor stated that money wasnt important in the afterlife, because in heaven, there is no money. I overheard one parishioner whisper to her mother, Did you hear that, Mom? Were already in heaven.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cecil!
Cecil who?
Cecil have music whereever she goes….!