Old and New Jokes

Q. Whats red and has 7 dents?

A. Snow whites cherry

BLOW ME THE QUECHUAN FLUTE: Sóplame la quena.

FOR IF THE FLIES: Por si las moscas.

EYE TO LOUSE: Ojo al piojo.

YOU HAVE ME TIRED; YOU HAVE ME: Me tenés cansado; me tenés.

THE FIFTH LINING OF THE BALLS: El quinto forro de las pelotas.

GO TO KNOW: Andá a saber.

CATCH YOURSELF CATHERINE: Agárrate Catalina.

YOU ARE TICKET: Sos boleta.

LITTLE FEMALE GAUCHOS PACKAGE: Paquete de criollitas.

STAY FLY: Quédate mosca.

I MADE MYSELF THE RAT: Me hice la rata.

THATS MY CHICKEN: Ese es mi pollo.

TO BURY THE SWEET POTATO: Enterrar la batata.

THROW ME THE RUBBER: Tírame la goma.

TO ANOTHER THING BUTTERFLY: A otra cosa mariposa.

LIKE WHO DOESNT WANT THE THING: Como quien no quiere la cosa.

BETWEEN NO MORE AND DRINK A CHAIR: Entre nomás y tome asiento.

I DONT GIVE MORE: No doy más.

HE IS BIGGER BALLED THAN THE PIGEONS: Es más boludo que las palomas.

LITTLE POTATO FOR THE PARROT: Papita pal loro.

NOT TO HUNT ONE: No cazar una.

IT IMPORTS ME A HORN: Me importa un cuerno.

WHAT THREW IT: Que lo tiro.

ITS TO THE ROCKET: Es al cuete.

WHAT A HANDRAIL: Que baranda.

TO SPEND A PERSON: Gastar a una persona.

WE ARE ALL ALIVE: Somos todos vivos.

TO MAKE THE DUCK: Hacer la pata.

TURKEYS AGE: La edad del pavo.

LETS GO YET!: ¡Vamos, todavía!

IT MATTERS ME A WHISTLE: Me importa un pito.

IM MADE BAG: Estoy hecho bolsa.

SEND FRUIT: Mandar fruta.

TO BE A DEAD LITTLE FLY: Ser un mosquita muerta.

ARE YOU DRINKING MY HAIR?: ¿Me estás tomando el pelo.

IT WENT ME LIKE THE ASS: Me fue como el culo.

DONT FORGET HEADS: No se olviden de Cabezas.

IT HAS MY BALLS FILLED: Me tiene las bolas llenas.

DO YOU WANT MORE YELLOW: ¿Quiere más hielo?

YOUR SISTER IS AN IRON: Tu hermana es un fierro.

THE SHELL OF YOUR SISTER: La concha de tu hermana.

HE DOESNT GIVE FOOT WITH BALL: No da pie con bola.

SKULL DONT SHOUT: Calavera no chilla.

TO CRY TO THE CHURCH: A llorar a la iglesia.

TO DO EGG: Hacer huevo.

IT SUCKS ME ONE EGG: Me chupa un huevo.

PUTTING WAS THE GOOSE: Poniendo estaba la gansa.

ITS NOT NESSARY: No es nesario

SUN OF A BEACH: Sol de una playa.

AS BORING AS LICKING A NAIL: Aburrido como chupar un clavo.

BLACK MOTHER FUCKER WAS FUCKED US ALL: Menem.

Un tipo estaba en la sala mirando un partido de fútbol con su inseparable cerveza entre las piernas.

Su hijo quería ver una película que se llamaba Terremoto. Así que el hijo fue a la sala y le dijo a su papá:

Papá, quiero ver Terremoto.

Y el papá le contesta:

¡Qué no te basta con verme repedo!

Talent is the ability to convince people you have it.

Why do fat people hate rolls?

Because they see enough everday when they look in the mirror!

Taken from the May/June 1989 Utne Reader, which took this from
Shawn Gosieski, New Cyclist, Fall 1988. (and it has come in from
other sources -ed)

A Zen teacher saw five of his students returning from the market,
riding their bicycles. When they arrived at the monastery and had dismounted,
the teacher asked the students, Why are you riding your bicycles?

The first student replied, The bicycle is carrying the sack of
potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back! The
teacher praised the first student, You are a smart boy! When you grow
old, you will not walk hunched over like I do.

The second student replied, I love to watch the trees and fields
pass by as I roll down the path! The teacher commended the second student,
Your eyes are open, and you see the world.

The third student replied, When I ride my bicycle, I am content
to chant nam myoho renge kyo. The teacher gave praise to the third student,
Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel.

The fourth student replied, Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony
with all sentient beings. The teacher was pleased, and said to the fourth
student, You are riding on the golden path of non-harming.

The fifth student replied, I ride my bicycle to ride my
bicycle. The teacher sat at the feet of the fifth student and said,
I am your student!

His freshman year.

Heard on Garrison Keillors Prairie Home Companion radio show:

Ole was on his death bed. His pastor had been summoned and, from all appearances, the end was imminent. As he lay there gasping for breath, a waft of an odor drifted into the room and Ole sniffed.

He realized that he was smelling his favorite of all things, Lenas chocolate marshmallow brownies.

With great effort, the old may got out of bed and, with a huge effort, made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen, following the delicious smell of the brownies. He spied them in the open window, cooling. He staggered over and took one, savoring the aroma, and took a big bite out of it.

At that moment, Lena walked into the kitchen and said, Ole! You should be ashamed of yourself! I baked those for after the funeral!

The minister was presenting his Sunday morning service to the congregation. He stated that everything that mankind had experienced or would ever experience was discussed or mentioned in the Bible.

After the sermon, he was shaking hands with the congregation as they filed out of the church. A woman came up to the minister and said, Preacher, I heard your message today and I really believe that what you said is true. However in my readings of the Scripture, I have never seen any mention of PMS.

The minister scratched his head….thought for a moment and said, Well sister just off the top of my head I cannot think of a passage but Im sure that it exists. See me after next weeks service and I will give you an answer.

The next Sunday as the preacher was again shaking the hands of the leaving congregation the woman again came up to him and asked if he had in fact gotten her an answer.

The preacher said, Yes my dear, that passage does in fact exist. She said,Well please tell me where PMS is mentioned in the Bible. Ive read it many, many times and I have never seen it mentioned at all.

Preacher says, Its right in the book of Matthew. She said, No way, Ive read that several times and its not mentioned at all!

He said ,It certaintly is, if you remember in the Christmas story, it states very specifically…that Mary rode Josephs ass all the way to Bethlehem!

There was a married couple in their living room, watching television. Suddenly the guy got the urge to have a hot 69 with his wife, Hey, baby, he said, How bout I take you to the room and we go down on each other?

No…

she replies, Im having my period.

I dont care lets do it anyway.

the guy replied.

Ewww… okay.

She said, But what if someone comes to the door.

Ill just tell them I was eating a jelly sandwich and that Im a messy guy.

So they go in the room and theyre going at it hardcore, when the doorbell rings. The guy looks up, and he decides to leave it. The door bell rings again, and a third time. The man finally gets up and opens the door and its a Fed Ex mail carrier.

I have a package for you.

The mail carrier said looking at the guy in a weird way.

Okay, Ill sign for it.

Whats the matter with your face?

The mail carrier asked.

I was eating a jelly sandwich.

The guy replied.

Yeah? Well, you got some peanut butter on your nose.