A New Russian is buying Mersedes of the 600 series. Before giving him keys and documentation a salesman asks: Excuse me, Sir, a week ago You bought here a car just like this one. Is anything wrong with it?
A New Russian thinks a wile trying to remember, then replies: Oh, no, thats a perfect machine but the ashtrays been filled.
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
personnel to various situations.
You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office youve ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
YOU SHOULD:
(A) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(B) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(C) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. YOU SHOULD:
(A) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and dont remember your
name.
(B) Ask what position she played.
(C) Ask if she is still working the streets.
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-blooded
born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said,
Lady, Ill give you $10 for a blow job.
The Texas gentleman looked
appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the
spot. The lady gasped and said, Thank you, suh, for defendin mah
honor!
Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, Your honor,
hell!! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!!
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient goes to a doctor who says hes never seen anything like it, but his penis would probably have to be amputated.
The patient then goes to another doctor, who also doesnt know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D
Indeed, the Soviet emigre doctor says, I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. Dont do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself!
Q: What has 128 legs and no pubic hair?
A: The front row in a BSB concert.
After an overnight flight to meet my father at his latest military assignment, my mother wearily arrived at Rhein-Main Air Base in Germany with my eight siblings and me — all under age 11. Collecting our many suitcases, the ten of us entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched our entourage in disbelief, Maam, he said, do all these children and this luggage belong to you? Yes, sir, my mother said with a sigh, theyre all mine. The customs agent began his interrogation: Maam, do you have any weapons, contraband or illegal drugs in your possession? Sir, she calmly answered, if Id had any of those items, I would have used them by now.
BLAMESTORMING – Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
PRAIRIE DOGGING – When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm (an office full of cubicles) and everyones heads pop up over the walls to see whats going on.
TOURISTS – People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists.
TREEWARE – Printed computer software/hardware documentation.
CLM (Career Limiting Move) – Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB – Career Ending Behavior)
OHNOSECOND – That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that youve just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM)
ADMINISPHERE – The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini-sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
DILBERTED – To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip character. Ive been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week.
SEAGULL MANAGER – A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.
SALMON WEEK – The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and someone else get the benefit.
404 – Someone whos clueless. From the World Wide Web error message 404 Not Found, meaning that the requested document could not be located. Dont bother asking him… hes 404, man.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE – The fine art of whacking an electronic device *just right* to get it to work again.
10. Thou shalt foreswear, renounce, and abjure the vile heresy which claimeth that All the worlds a VAX, and have no commerce with the benighted heathens who cling to this barbarous belief, that the days of thy program may be long even though the days of thy current machine be short.
I heard these from my father, who heard them from a friend, etc.
Theyre definitely not original.
A young man is jogging through a park when he sees an old man sitting
on a bench sobbing. Concerned, he stops by the bench. Is there anything I can
do for you, sir?
Oh, sobs the old man, everythings wonderful. I just married a
gorgeous twenty-year old wholl do anything for me, and even my children love
her. We have a beautiful house, a pool…
So whats the matter? the puzzled young man asks.
I cant remember where I live!
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, You know, Im getting really forgetful. This morning, I was
standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnt remember whether I had just
come up or was about to go down.
The second lady says, You think thats bad? The other day, I was
sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldnt remember whether I was going to
bed or had just woken up!
The third lady smiles smugly. Well, my memorys just as good as its
always been, knock wood. She raps the table. With a startled look on her face,
she asks, Whos there?
1. Big Rock
2. Preston Manning
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approx. 200 percent
4. The Premier is a fat alcoholic with a grade 4 education
5. Flames vs. Oilers
6. Stamps vs. Eskies
7. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of
8. Eventually, it will be your towns turn to ban VLTs
9. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups
10. You can attempt to murder your rich oil tycoon husband and get away with it
Bill
worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there
for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had
an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His
wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to
talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"Whats wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do
you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous
urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didnt." "Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got
fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened
with the pickle slicer?" "Oh… she got
fired too."