Old and New Jokes

We were so poor that even Bill Clintons tax plan wouldt call us rich.

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Associations suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.

9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you cant remember).

10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.

12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

Una noche la mujer de la pareja de recién casados escucha ruidos afuera de la casa, y le dice a su marido:

Mi amor, mi amor creo que hay algiuen afuera.

Afuera no hay nadie, duérmete.

Pero mi amor, hay alguien.

Duérmete, ya me tienes harto.

Por lo menos asómate a la ventana para que parezca que tenemos perro…

This 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing.



Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.



He watches her a while then says, You look ridiculous, what on earth are you doing?



She says, I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old. She starts laughing and jumping again.



He says, Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?



She says, Well, your name never came up.

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word? Little Johnny waves his hand, Me, miss, me, me!

Teacher says All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word? Little Johnny says Mas-tur-bate. Teacher smiles and says Wow, little Johnny, thats a mouthful. Little Johnny says No, miss, youre thinking of a blow job. Im talking about a wank.

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.

His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. Is that so? the first said. Did he do a good job?

Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot, he said. The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That, he added, was the first time in two years my teeth didnt hurt.

Q: What is the difference between the Dresden bombing and Germanys best comedian?

A: Only the first one can make you smile.

Q: How many people fron Dresden can you fit in a mini ?

A: About 25000 if youve got a shovel

Q: What is the definition of the European Heaven?

A: British humour, French food, German technology.

A: What is the definition of the European Hell?

A: British food, German humour, French technology.

Q: Why are so many Germans born by C-section?

A: Ever try to get a Squarehead through a round hole?

(Heard this from a friend, source unknown)

A young boy was playing in the backyard when his father saw him stepping on
flowers and pulling out plants.

Just for that, he said, you dont get anything made out of flour for
a week!

The boy was upset and walked away. A short while later, the father looked
through the window and saw the boy hitting butterflies with his tennis
racquet in the garden. He went running outside and yelled, Just for that,
you naughty boy, you dont get any butter for one month!

Later that day, the boys mother came home in a really bad mood and as
soon as she saw a couple of cockroaches in the kitchen, she started stepping
on them. The young lad looked up at his father and whispered, Well, are
you going to tell her or will I?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If youre born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Hillary: (H)ighly (I)nexperienced (L)eft-liberal (A)cademic (R)ighteous (Y)uppies