Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They prefer everything all black anyway.

Back in the days of the old Wild Wild West lived a guy named Red who used to have a lot of fun. He rode into town like he usually did every Saturday night, and he went into the saloon and got drunk. All of his friends saw him drinking and decided to play a trick on him. So they went outside and turned the saddle on his horse around. That way they figured when he got outside drunk and they put him on there, he would get on home the best way he could! So when it was time, he got real drunk and staggered outside, got up on his horse and rode off.

The next morning when he woke up he says, My goodness!
And his wife says, Whats a matter dear, dont you feel alright?
He said, Yeah, but I sure had a tough time getting home last night.
Some son of a gun cut my horses head off, and I had to guide him all the way home with my finger sticking in his windpipe!

If you dont let me make you happy,
Ill make you suffer.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

A blonde walks into an electronics store and points to something behind the clerk.

How much is that television set? she asks.

Sorry, we dont sell to blondes, the clerk said.

So, the girl walks out. The next day, she returns wearing a brown wig. She again approaches the clerk and asks How much is that television set behind you?

The clerk replies, Sorry, we dont sell to blondes.

Again, the girl walks out.

She again tries the next day, this time wearing a red wig. She goes up to the clerk and asks How much is that television set behind you?

The clerk again replies, We dont sell to blondes!

Well, the girl was kind of suspicious.

She asks carefully, How do you know Im a blond?

The clerk looks at the girl and says…

Because thats not a television, its a microwave!

An F-4 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of
himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber. The message for the
B-52 crew was, Anything you can do, I can do better.

Not to be outdone, the
bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge. The B-52 continued
its flight, straight and level, however. Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked,
So? What did you do?

We just shut down two engines.

Henry Cate III

Now that its 88, its time for some political nonsense (redundant?)

A LESSON IN POLITICAL SCIENCE

SOCIALISM – You have two cows. The government takes one to give
to someone else.

COMMUNISM – You have two cows. The government takes both and gives
you the milk.

FASCISM – You have two cows. The government takes both and sells
you the milk.

NAZISM – You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRACY – You have two cows. The government takes both, shoots one
and pours the milk down the drain.

CAPITALISM – You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

ANARCHY – steal neighbours bull, shoot the government.

Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?

Nurse: No change yet.

A junkyard owner went to the pound to get a dog to keep the (ethnics) from stealing all his hubcaps.

He saw a German Shepherd he liked, but the man said he had something better.

He saw a huge doberman which had to be the one, but the man said he had something better.

Then he saw a 200 pound, fat-as-shit pit bull laying in a corner cage.

The dog was a gross, drooling mess and was licking his balls.

The man said, this is about the laziest and grossest animal I have ever seen? How can he possibly solve my (ethnic) problem?

The dog owner said Sir, this dog just ate an adult (ethnic) whole!

Holy shit! Well, why is he licking his balls?

To get the taste out of his mouth.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Teachers!
Teachers who?
Teachers for the red white and blue. Hip hip..!

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, Sir, I asked to see your ticket, not your stub.