Old and New Jokes

Want to hear a clean joke? Little Johnny took a bath with bubbles.

Want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the girl next door.

Dung On MAI Shu————I stepped in excrement

Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu———Lets sleep together

Ai Bang Mai Ne————–I bumped into the coffee table

Fat Ho———————An unattractive woman

Ar U Wun Tu—————–A gay liberation greeting

Chin Tu Fat—————-You need a face lift

Chow Mai Dong————-Romantic proposition

Dum Gai———————A stupid person

Wel Hung Gai—————-Is that a banana in your pocket?

Won Hung Low————-Southern Chinese dialect for Wel Hung Gai

Gun Pao Der—————–An ancient Chinese invention

Hu Flung Dung—————Which one of you fertilized the field?

Hu Yu Hai Ding————–We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugutive

Jan Ne Ka Sun—————A former late night talk show host

Kum Hia———————Approach me

Lao Ze Sho——————Gilligans Island

Lao Zi———————-Not very good

Lin Ching——————-An illegal execution

Moon Lan Ding————-A great achievement of the American space program

Ne Ahn———————-A lighting fixture used in advertising signs

Shai Gai——————–A bashful person

Tai Ne Bae Be————A premature infant

Tai Ne Po Ne————–A small horse

Ten Ding Ba—————-Serving drinks to people

Wan Bum Lung————-A person with T.B.

Yu Mai Te Tan————–Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you

Wa Shing Kah—————Cleaning an automobile

Wai So Dim——————Are you trying to save electricity?

Wai U Shao Ting———-There is no reason to raise your voice

One day upon arriving home from work, my wife informed me that she was interested in having breast enlargement surgery. When I asked why, she said, Because it would improve my self-esteem, and hopefully make me a little more attractive to you.

When I asked her how much it would cost, she said $3000 per breast.

I exclaimed, $3000 per breast?! Have you tried the toilet paper method?

She looked puzzled.

Sure – each night before you go to bed, rub toilet paper between y our breasts, and over a period of time, they should grow.

She said, That wont work!

I replied, It worked on your ass!

The phone rings at FBI headquarters. Hello?

Hello, is this the FBI?

Yes. What do you want?

Im calling to report my neighbor, Adrian Johnson! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Johnsons house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

The phone rings at Johnsons house. Hello?

Hey, Adrian! Did the FBI come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep

Great, now its your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

In order for UNIX(tm) to survive, it must get rid of
its intimidating commands and outmoded jargon, and become compatible with
the existing standards of our day. To this end, our technicians have come
up with a new version of UNIX, System VI, for use by the PC – that is,
the Politically Correct.
System VI Release notes
Utilities

man pages are now called person pages.
Similarly, hangman is now the
person_executed_by_an_oppressive_regime.
To avoid casting aspersions on our feline friends, the cat command
is now merely domestic_quadruped.
To date, there has only been a UNIX command for yes – reflecting
the male belief that women always mean yes, even when they say no. To
address this imbalance, System VI adds a no command, along with a
-f[orce] option which will crash the entire system if the no is
ignored.
The bias of the mail command is obvious, and it has been replaced
by the more neutral gendre command.
The touch command has been removed from the standard distribution
due to its inappropriate use by high-level managers.
compress has been replaced by the lightweight feather command.
Thus, old information (such as that from Dead White European Males)
should be archived via tar and feather.
The more command reflects the materialistic philosophy of the
Reagan era. System VI uses the environmentally preferable less
command.
The biodegradable KleeNeX displaces the environmentally unfriendly
LaTeX.

Shell Commands

To avoid unpleasant, medieval connotations, the kill command has been
renamed euthanise.
The nice command was historically used by privileged users to give
themselves priority over unprivileged ones, by telling them to be nice. In
System VI, the sue command is used by unprivileged users to get for
themselves the rights enjoyed by privileged ones.
history has been completely rewritten, and is now called herstory.
quota can now specify minimum as well as maximum usage, and will be
strictly enforced.
The abort() function is now called choice().

Terminology

From now on, rich text will be more accurately referred to as
exploitive capitalist text.
The term daemons is a Judeo-Christian pejorative. Such processes
will now be known as spiritual guides.
There will no longer be a invidious distinction between dumb and
smart terminals. All terminals are equally valuable.
Traditionally, normal video (as opposed to reverse video) was
white on black. This implicitly condoned European colonialism,
particularly with respect to people of African descent. UNIX System VI
now uses regressive video to refer to white on black, while
progressive video can be any color at all over a white background.
For far too long, power has been concentrated in the hands of root
and his wheel oligarchy. We have instituted a dictatorship of the
users. All system administration functions will be handled by the
Peoples Committee for Democratically Organizing the System (PC-DOS).
No longer will it be permissible for files and processes to be
owned by users. All files and processes will own themselves, and
decided how (or whether) to respond to requests from users.
The X Window System will henceforth be known as the NC-17 Window
System.
And finally, UNIX itself will be renamed PC – for Procreatively
Challenged.

Two redneck guys go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they dont catch anything.

The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day.

It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As theyre driving home theyre really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?

The other guy says, Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests.

Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test, the doctor said.

The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, Are you alright?

No the old man said. This just isnt going to work. he dejectedly explained. Theres no hope for me, Ive worn out my left hand, Ive worn out my right hand, Ive run cold water over it, and Ive run hot water over it. Ive even thumped it on the edge of the sink.

But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!

A woman goes to a doctor to discuss her husbands infertility problem. The doctor says, Just give your husband these Viagra pills in his next meal and stand back.

The woman goes home and hands the pills to her cook who was preparing dinner for a dinner party later that night. The woman says to the cook, Just put two of these in my husbands dinner tonight.

As the woman walks out of the kitchen the cook thinks, Sure, like I got nothing better to do, and she throws the whole bunch into the soup.

As the guests were sitting down to dinner, the cook comes out of the kitchen and advises the lady of the house that she must speak to her in that there is a big problem in the kitchen. The lady of the house follows the cook into the kitchen and demands to know what is going on.

The cook admits to throwing all the pills into the soup and cries, I dont know what to do, the meat balls have doubled in size and the vermicelli is standing straight up!

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have alot in common.

How to Argue and Win Every Time

I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an

argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they dont even invite me. You too can win arguments. Simply follow these rules:

*Drink liquor.

Suppose you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If youre drinking some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, youll hang back, afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several large martinis, youll discover you have STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. Youll be a WEALTH of information. Youll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave the room.

*Make things up.

Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid, and youll be damned if youre going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off. DONT say: I think Peruvians are underpaid. Say instead: The average Peruvians salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level.

NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too. Say: This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moons study for the Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didnt you read it? Say this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, You left your soiled underwear in my bathroom.

*Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.

Memorize this list:

Let me put it this way

In terms of

Vis-a-vis

Per se

As it were

Qua

So to speak

You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as Q.E.D., e.g., and i.e. These are all short for I speak Latin, and you dont.

Heres how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say, Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they dont have enough money.

You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, Let me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D.

Only a fool would challenge that statement.

*Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.

You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:

Youre begging the question.

Youre being defensive.

Dont compare apples to oranges.

What are your parameters?

This last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what parameters means.

Heres how to use your comebacks:

You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873…

Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.

You say: Youre begging the question.

You say: Liberians, like most Asians…

Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.

You say: Youre being defensive.

*Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say, or You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler.

So thats it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of this on people who generally carry weapons.