Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Douglas!
Douglas who?
Douglas is broken!

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…

If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them.

When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Try a little kindness. As little as possible. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rather!
Rather who?
Rather not!

A guy’s walking past an asylum, and can hear all the inmates inside screaming at the top of their lungs, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!!!”. He peeks through a hole in the fence to see what all the commotion is about, and a finger suddenly pops out and jabs him in the eye. He yells in pain, and the inmates all start gleefully shouting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!!!”.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?

A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.

A2: Dont tell her to swallow.

A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Pay him for the pizza.

2 people walk into a bar. The third one ducked.

These are all from a newspaper feature article in the San Francisco
Chronicle Datebook, March 5, 1989, though Ive heard at least three
of the one-liners on the radio or TV. I dont feel too bad about
extracting the best lines, since thats what the writer did with the
comics. The entire article is a full page; these are just a few of
the lines.

Offensive to Moslems/Iranians and bookburners, of course.

From the San Francisco Chronicle Datebook section, March 5, 1989,
The Satanic Verses–Comics Laugh It Off

(The names are Bay Area or nationally-known stand-up comics…)

Khomeinis idea of opening up to the West means allowing
non-Muslims to hunt Rushdie. –Don Stevens

[Commenting on small nightclub crowd] This looks like a Salman
Rushdie book-signing party. –Fred Reuss

If there were a $6 million bounty on me, Id kill myself just for the
reward. For that much, I think the Muscular Dystrophy people ought to
go after him. –David Feldman

If Rushdies book got Khomeini mad, wait till he sees the swimsuit
edition of the Koran. –Johnny Carson

[Shaking his head] …and wait until Khomeini finds out Safeway
carries pork. –Bob Lacey

[Answering machine tape] Were not here right now; weve gone to
England to kill Salman Rushdie. –Alex Reid

I translated The Satanic Verses into Spanish, and now theres a
10 million-peso price on my head. What an insult; Im worth more than
a nickel. –Jose Simon

While I was attending a law course, the Audiatur et altera pars rule was explained to us.

Translated it means, Also the other party has to be heard. After discussing the subject at great length, the lecturer asked if anyone did NOT understand the rule.

From the auditorium a man shouted, My wife!

DETROIT, MI – One of the most bizarre airplane hijack attempts recently occurred on a flight from New York to Detroit. The incident did not make national news, but we have uncovered it in a local paper. A man jumped out of his seat, brandished a gun and declared, This is a hijack, take me to Detroit.

When the stewardess informed him that the plane was already heading to Detroit, the man sat down without another word.

He was arrested immediately after the plane landed.