Old and New Jokes

An Alabama State Trooper pulled over a pickup truck on I-20 and asked the driver, Got any ID?

The Alabama driver replied, bout what?

In the spirit of all those who are not here please raise your hand, the following memo came across my screen yesterday. Thought Id share.

P.S. identifying characteristics have been removed to protect the wet green slime thats threatening me … um, I mean the innocent.

Please let me know via e-mail if the Education Council minutes that I sent this morning were readable.

I have had a faculty member tell me that the message that he received was missing some of the text. If yours was missing some text, let me know and I will send it again.

Thanks.

Actually, mine WAS missing text. I didnt see anything at all about my generous pay raise or any expressions of remorse over the death of my pet slug Reginald.

Ralph takes his wife, Mildred, to the livestock show. As they walk past the pens
holding the bulls, Mildred notices a sign by the first bull stating: This bull
mated 50 times last year.

Mildred turns to her husband and says, You could learn from him.

They proceed to the next bull and his sign states: This bull mated 100 times
last year.

Mildred turns to Ralph and says, This one mated twice a week! You can learn
from this bull, also.

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: This bull mated 365 times
last year.

The Mildreds mouth drops open and exclaims, Wow! He mated every single day of
the year! You could really learn a lot from this bull.

Ralph turns to Mildred and smiles, I doubt if he mated 365 times with the same
old cow.

The Court of King George III

London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson

c/o The Continental Congress

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your Declaration of Independence with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

1.In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the Laws of Nature and Natures God. What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.

2.In the same paragraph you refer to the opinions of mankind. Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the opinions of mankind are a matter of opinion.

3.You hold certain truths to be self-evident. Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.

4.Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.

5.You state that Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government…. Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?

6.Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.

7.Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown. Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?

8.Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.

9.You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Annes War.

10.What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.

11.Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your Declaration of Independence. We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and shes in serious financial trouble. Shes so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray: God, please help me. Ive lost my business and if I dont get some money, Im going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Brandi again prays: God, please let me win the lotto! Ive lost my business, my house and Im going to lose my car as well.

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays: My God, why have you forsaken me? Ive lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I dont often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: Brandi, meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.

Wife: Okay, todays Friday. Wheres your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

This Enron accountant get put into prison. His cellmate is a much larger, more hardened criminal, who greets him and asks; Do

you want ot be the husband tonight or would you prefer to be the wife?





The Enron accountant thinks quickly, and replies, Since I have a choice, Id like to be the husband!





His cellmate grins and says, Good, get over here and suck your wifes cock, NOW!

You Know You Are in a Redneck Church When…

People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000, whether the two fish were bass or
catfish.

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

The pastor wears boots.

The preacher says, Id like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering
and five guys stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because It aint never been in a hole it couldnt get out of.

When it rains, everyone is smiling.

Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

The choir group is known as the OK Chorale.

Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

There is no such thing as a secret sin.

Baptism is referred to as branding.

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think rapture is when you lift something too heavy.

The final words of the benediction are, Yall come back now, yah
hear?

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.

Why? asked somebody from the audience.

I watched my wifes routine at dinner for years, the expert explained. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, Honey, why dont you try carrying several things at once?

Did it save time? the guy in the audience asked.

Actually, yes, replied the expert. It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

Now I do it in ten…

Sally, an employee in a tech company, was having trouble with her computer.

So she called Joe, the computer guy, over to her desk. Joe clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, Sally called after him, So, what was wrong?

And he replied, It was an ID ten T error.

A puzzled expression ran riot over Sallys face. An ID ten T error? Whats that … in case I need to fix it again?

He gave her a grin… 😉 … Havent you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

No, replied Sally.

Write it down, he said, and I think youll figure it out.

(Heres what she wrote…)

I D 1 0 T