Entra a una cantina un chaparro, muy borracho, y les grita a todos los presentes:
¡Todos los que están aquà son una bola de pendejos!
Nadie dice nada, asà que esta vez vuelve a gritar con más fuerza:
¡Además, son una bola de putos!
Como nadie le reclama, se va. Uno de los que estaban en la barra le comenta al cantinero:
Oiga, mi amigo, ese chaparrito, que valiente es, ¿verdad?
Deje lo valiente, ¡lo acertado que estuvo!
One night a neighbor found Nasrudin down on his knees looking for something under the street light.
What have you lost, Mulla?
My key, said Nasrudin.
After a few minutes of searching, the other man said, Where did you drop it?
By my house.
Then why, for heavens sake, are you looking here?
There is more light here.
Q: How many medical students does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. They are too busy propping up the bar.
Down in Florida, two women were talking and one asked the other, Do you ever get that feeling of being really horny?
Yes, her friend replied.
What do you do about it?
I usually suck on a Lifesaver.
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, Well, what beach do you go to?
El Sr. González, un próspero fabricante de clavos, tratando de ampliar su negocio, decide armar una estrategia publicitaria a escala internacional.
Luego de recorrer varias agencias, decide encargársela a una agencia publicitaria de Tontilandia, por ser la más barata:
Mire, amigo, mi empresa se dedica a la fabricación y venta de clavos quiero una publicidad para los medios televisivos, que destaque y haga hincapié en la calidad de mis clavos.
No se preocupe, le contesta el tontilandés, para la semana que viene se la tengo lista.
A la semana siguiente, el empresario vuelve a la agencia, y el tontilandés le presenta una muestra de un aviso televisivo que, con medio minuto de duración, muestra una escena de la crucifixión de Jesucristo. La Virgen MarÃa aparece llorando a los pies de su Hijo, los soldados romanos burlándose y Jesús clavado en la cruz. En lo alto de la cruz, donde generalmente aparece la inscripción INRI, aparece la leyenda: CON CLAVOS GONZÃLEZ… ¡NO SE ESCAPA NI DIOS!
El empresario al verlo se pone como loco y le grita furioso al tontilandés:
¡Pero qué hizo, animal!… ¿usted de verdad pretende poner este aviso en todos los medios del mundo? ¡La cuarta parte de la población mundial es cristiana… nadie me va a comprar clavos!
El tontilandés, asustado, le contesta:
Disculpe, entonces ¿qué clase de aviso quiere?
Uno que destaque la calidad de mis clavos, hágalo como quiera pero ¡no ponga a Cristo clavado con mis clavos!, grita el hombre y se va.
A la semana siguiente, el empresario vuelve a la agencia y el tontilandés le dice:
Mire, señor, ya le tengo el nuevo aviso, como usted lo querÃa.
Y le proyecta otro nuevo aviso. Ahora aparece Jesús, semidesnudo, corriendo por las calles de Jerusalén, huyendo de una horda de soldados romanos que lo persiguen. Al final del aviso, mientras los soldados siguen corriendo tras de Jesús, uno de los soldados le va diciendo al que corre a su lado:
¡Joder, Venancio… te dije que usáramos clavos González!
486 – The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art – Any computer you cant afford.
Obsolete – Any computer you own.
Microsecond – The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3 – Apples new Macs that make you say Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.
Syntax Error – Walking into a computer store and saying, Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.
Hard Drive – The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI – What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced gooey)
Keyboard – The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse – An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy – The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer – A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash – A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User – Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update – A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. – Franklin D. Roosevelt
A friend went to the kitchen window to check on her two-year-old son, who was playing in the yard with some older children in the neighbourhood. She was horrified to see that they were feeding him an earthworm.
She quickly opened the window and screamed at them, Dont feed him worms! Theyll make him sick!
They looked up at her puzzled and asked, Was he sick yesterday?
Heard this one Sunday night on KGO radio (someone called in with it):
A couple who have been married for 20 years is preparing for bed when the
following conversation takes place…
She: Honey, if I die before you, would you remarry?
He: Thats a morbid question!
She: No, I really want to know.
He (pauses to think): Yes, I suppose after a decent amount of time I might
remarry.
She: Would she live in our house?
He: Well, the mortgage is almost paid off – would you really expect me to
move?
She: Would she wear my mink coat?
He: You know I paid $3,500 for that coat – would you really want me to
sell it for a loss?
She: Well, would she drive my BMW?
He: No. Absolutely not. She doesnt know how to drive a stick shift!
You know you are addicted to your Italian roots when…