Old and New Jokes

How does an Amish farmer find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying!

How come Texas A&M couldnt put on a nativity scene?

Because they couldnt find three wise men or a virgin!

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?

1. Free drinks. 2. Free dinners. 3. Free movies (you get the point). 4. You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks youre gay. 5. You can hug your friend without wondering if YOURE gay. 6. You know The Truth about whether size matters. 7. Speeding ticket? Whats that? 8. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life. 9. You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school. 10. If you have sex with someone and dont call him the next day, youre not the devil. 11. Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex. 12. If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud. 13. If youre not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling. 14. You can sleep your way to the top. 15. You can sue the President for sexual harassment. 16. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep. 17. Its possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. 18. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo. 19. Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise and Tom Selleck. 20. You dont have to fart to amuse yourself. 21. If you cheat on your spouse, people assume its because youre being emotionally neglected. 22. YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real. 23. Youll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper. 24. No one passes out when you take off your shoes. 25. If you think the person youre dating really likes you, you dont have to break up with him. 26. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store. 27. If you forget to shave, no one has to know. 28. You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass. 29. If you have a zit, you can conceal it. 30. You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there. 31. If youre dumb, some people will find it cute. 32. You dont have to memor

One day a neighbor of the blondes go over to her house and sees the blonde crying and asked her what had happened and the blonde said that her mother had passed away. The neighbor made her some coffee and settled her down a little and then left.



The next day the neighbor went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again. She asked her why she was crying again.



The blonde replied with, I just got off of the phone with my sister, her mother died too!

Yesterday,
I had Cesium with which to play.
Now all my fingers have been blown away.
And silence reigns since yesterday.

Suddenly,
Im just half the man I used to be.
I have no eyes with which to see.
My legs have parted company.

Why she had to blow,
I dont know,
I can only say.
Something went awful wrong,
In the waterbed where we lay.

Yesterday,
Her sky blue path seemed such an easy way.
Now I know there is a price to pay.
Oh, I believed just yesterday.

—Songs of Cesium #117

Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink–he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely–but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries Man! How many bars do you work at?

Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a $26,000 phone bill.Has won the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes three years running.When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.Seems strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.Somehow gets HBO on their PC at work.Mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."Massive 401k contribution made in half-cent increments.Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Ms. President."You hear them murmur, "Lets see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Dont-Give-As-In-Computer-Science!"

In Oblong, Illinois, its punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.

No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.

Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isnt allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you — or holding you in his arms.

Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown — if theyre nude.(Apparently, if you wear socks, youre safe from the law!)

In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And its illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!

The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.

An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a stores walk-in meat freezer!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.

In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman cant go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job — for men only — called a corset inspector.)

However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male.

Its safe to make love while parked in Coeur dAlene, Idaho. Police officers arent allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate.

Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman cant dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.

Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their lustful urges in a parked car. If the horn accidentally sounds while they are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.

In Carlsbad, New Mexico, its legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.

A Florida sex law: If youre a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you cant parachute on Sunday afternoons.

Women arent allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio, a man might see the reflection of something he oughtnt!

No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and her name is to be published in the local newspaper. The man isnt charged nor is his name revealed.

In Las Vegas, Nevada: Its against the law to pawn your dentures.

In Natoma, Kansas; Its illegal to throw knives at men wearing striped suites.

Idaho Falls, Idaho: If youre 88 years of age or older, its illegal for you to ride your motorcycle.

In Vermont: Its against the law (not to mention impossible) to whistle under water.

In Alabama: Its illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.

In Barber, North Carolina: Its illegal for a cat to fight a dog (or vice versa).

In Clawson City, Michigan: Its illegal to sleep with chickens.

A pet rooster cannot say cock-a-doodle-do within the city limits of Mount Dora, Fl.

In Richmond, Va., you must buy a license for 93 cents to sell song books on the street.

The U.S. government says its a crime to give false weather reports.

In Gary, Ind., you cannot go straight to the theater after eating garlic.

You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca.

In Maryland, a woman may not go through her husbands pockets while he is sleeping.

There is no horse racing allowed on the New Jersey Turnpike.

In Waterloo, Neb., barbers cannot eat onions between 7 a.m. and 7 p.m.

Donkeys are not allowed to sleep in bathtubs in Brooklyn, N.Y.

In New York, you can teach your pet parrot to speak, but not to squawk.

Cars are not allowed to scare horses in Centerville, Ohio.

On the books in Tennessee:

In Alamo: A person found intoxicated must be given a large dose of castor oil by a local doctor…and failure to gulp it down will result in a fine.

In Newport: Its against the law to tickle a girl under her chin with a feather duster in order to get her attention.

In Collierville: Keeping clean can be a chilly proposition, as a law there says all bathtubs must be kept in the backyard.

In Waverly: You better not let your horse near the tub, since horses are prohibited from sleeping in them, as well as in the house.

In Wartburg: The town strictly forbids single, widowed or divorced women from parachuting on Sunday!

It is against the law to have disco dance contests last more than eight hours.

It is against the law to call another person a coward if he refuses to duel.