Old and New Jokes

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There he is greeted by George Washington.

How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! yells Mr. Washington, slapping Osama in the face. Patrick Henry comes up from behind: You wanted to end the Americans liberty, so they gave you death! Henry punches Osama on the nose. James Madison comes up next, and says, This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense! He drops a large weight on Osamas knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from John Randolph of Roanoke, James Monroe and 65 other 18th-century American revolutionaries. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to hurl him back toward the gate where he is to be judged.

As Osama awaits his journey to his final very hot destination, he screams, This is not what I was promised!

An angel replies: I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?

When a lion escapes from a circus in Africa, how do they know when
theyve caught the right one?

– George Carlin

Three nuns were eating lunch together on a park bench when a male flasher approached.

He jumped in front of the first nun, opened his raincoat and she reacted by having a stroke.

Then he centered himself in front of the second nun, exposed his manhood and she also had a stroke.

He then repeated these actions in front of the third nun but she wouldnt touch it.

You might be a redneck if you think NSYNC is where the dirty dishes are.

One Halloween two black children, a brother and a sister, were trick-or-treating as Hansel and Gretel. They came to the first house and knocked on the door. The old lady that answered said, Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Hansel and Gretel werent black!

They went home and told their mother. She pulled out their Romeo and Juliet costumes from last year and quickly got them re-dressed. They went back to the old ladys house where she came to the door and again she said, Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Romeo and Juliet werent black!

Again they went home and told their mother. This time, their mother said Ill fix that mean old lady. Give me your clothes.

The boy and his sister took off their costumes and their mother sent them back to the old ladys house without a stitch of clothing to wear. They knocked on the door and the old lady answered. CHILDREN!! she said. Youre both naked! Now what are you supposed to be?

The little girl replied, Were Hersheys chocolate bars. Hes got nuts and I dont.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.

Se encuentra Manolo en la cantina muy preocupado. Se acerca Venancio y le pregunta:

¿Qué te ocurre, Manolo?

Figúrate que se metió un bandido a mi casa y se ha robado todo.

¡No es posible, ya no se puede con la delincuencia!

Y eso no es lo peor, el muy desgraciado ha tomado a mi esposa, la Pilarica, y la ha violado.

¡Pero qué desgraciado…!

Pero eso no es lo peor, también agarró a mis tres hijas: Toña, Maru y Pilariquita y también las ha violado.

¡Pero que maldito, merece que lo frían en aceite!

Pero que eso no es lo peor, también me ha tomado a mí y me ha violado.

¡No es posible, esto es la locura!

Pero eso no es lo peor…

¡¿Pero qué puede ser peor que eso, hombre?!, le interrumpe.

¡Lo peor es que me ha gustado!

How is a Mexican like a cue ball?

The harder you hit him the more English you get out of him.

How to fall in love without losing yourself.
How you feel about having kids.
How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
When to try harder and when to walk away.
How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldnt like to happen next.
How to have a good time at a party youd never choose to attend.
How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely youll get it.
That you cant change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
That your childhood may not have been perfect, but its over.
What you would and wouldnt do for love or more.
How to live alone, even if you dont like it.
Who you can trust, who you cant, and why you shouldnt take it personally.
Where to go – be it your best friends kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
What you can and cant accomplish in a day, a month and a year.
Why they say life begins at 30.