Old and New Jokes

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem!

Whats the problem, Eve?



Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy.



Why is that, Eve? came the reply from above.



Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples.



Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.



Whats a man, Lord?



This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, hell give you a hard time. But, hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. Hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.



Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.



Yeah, well. Hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.



Whats that, Lord?



Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.

10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, lets celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You dont like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Heres a $5 gift certificate for McDonalds.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, Ill take you to Pizza Hut if itll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

A little boy walks in on his parents having sex and says, “Oh no! What are you doing?”
His father tells him, “Were playing cards and your mother is my wild card.”
A week after that he walks in on his father masturbating. He says, “Oh my goodness! What are you doing?” His father says, “Im playing cards.” “Wheres your wild card?” the boy asks. His father replies, “Son, you dont need one when youve got a good hand.”

(where pppphhhhhbbbttttt equals sticking you tongue between your
lips and blowing air. A pseudo Bronx cheer.)

A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
up the the bar and sets on down. He proceeds to order a beer for
himself and for the little Leprechaun.

Well, the guy and the Leprechaun drink about two beers when finally
the Leprechaun jumps down off the guys shoulder, trots down the bar
and stands in front of a rather large construction worker. He looks
at the construction worker and goes, ppphhhbbbttttttt right to the
big guys face.

Well the Leprechaun trots on back on hops back onto his buddys shoulder.
The construction worker is a little ticked, but decides to shine on
this breach of manners.

After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
again goes in front of the construction worker and goes, ppphhhbbbbttt
to the construction workers face.

The Leprechaun trots on back and hops back on his buddys shoulder.
The construction worker is visibly bothered, but decides not to
do anything again.

Well sure enough, the guy and the Leprechaun drink another beer.
Soon enough the Leprechaun hops down, trots in front of the construction
worker and goes, pppphhhhbbbttttt! to his face. Well, this time the
big guy has had enough of the little guys manners and walks over
to the fellow with the Leprechaun, again on his shoulder.

The construction worker tells this fella, If your little friend
does that again, Im gonna cut off his little dick! The fellow
tells the big guy Well Leprechauns dont have dicks. The big
guy asks, Well how does he go pee? The fellow with the Leprechaun
on his shoulder looks at the big guy and goes, ppppphhhhbbbbtttttt.

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?

Right where you left him…

Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?
ANSWER: The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower-case letters will become upper-case. The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares? It doesnt really matter if theyre on the page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc. Its all the same. The Mac users explanation: All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If youre using a PC, you can probably see the deleted characters, because youre in PC hell also. Stephen Kings explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor, unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah! The Christian Churchs approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness. The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," and contraception." Dave Barrys explanation: The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where theyre made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so flammable, while cheap imitations are not flammable. Im not making this up. IBMs explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life. PETAs (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation: Youve been DELETING them??? Cant you hear them SCREAMING??? Why dont you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!

Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.

A young couple gets caught making out in a car park buy a cop.

The cop says, What do you think youre doing?

The guys says, Officer, were just necking.

The cop says, Yeah? Then you better put your neck back in your pants and get the hell out of here.

Two wiseguys go into a country pub, they call the landlord over and ask him to settle an argument.

Are there two pints in a quart, or four? asked one.

There are two pints in a quart confirmed the landlord.

They moved along the bar to where the barmaid was and she asked for their order.

Two pints please Miss, and they are on the house.

When the barmaid appeared to doubt her boss would dispense free beer, one of the lads called out to the publican at the other end of the bar: You did say two pints, didnt you?

Thats right, called the landlord, two pints.

A little Johnny was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to discipline the child.

Arent you a little young to be drinking, son? he asked.

Aw, that aint no big deal, the kid said after taking a swig of beer. I got a tattoo when I was three.

What? How did that happen?

I don’t remember. I was drunk!