Old and New Jokes

I joined the Navy to see the world.

Ive seen it.

Now how do I get out?

Told to me at a recent St. Paddys Day Party by a former (female)
supervisor.

I think the ideal man is like a beluga whale–he has a four
foot tongue and can breathe out of a hole in the top of his
head.

A city slicker moves to the country and decides hes going to take up farming. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, Give me 100 baby chickens. The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, Give me 200 baby chickens. The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, Give me 500 baby chickens. Wow! the co-op man replies, You must really be doing well!

Naw, said the man with a sigh, Im either planting them too deep or too far apart!

Jeffrey J. Pyrcioch, 19, and an alleged accomplice were arrested in West
Lafayette, Ind., in May on theft and fraud charges. Pyrcioch allegedly
cashed checks that he had written with disappearing ink, apparently
believing the checks would be blank by the time they were presented to the
bank for collection. However, traces of ink remained, and police said
Pyrcioch would have a better chance of getting away with it if he had not
used checks pre-printed with his name and account number on them.

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, I havent got it. The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill.

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he cant possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, I havent got it.

The bartender cant believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill.

In disgust the bartender says, What, no drink for me this time?

The drunk replies, No, you get violent when you drink.

From The Guardian weekly, January 9 1994

David Rowan presents the Excessively Distorted Language Awards for 1993

There is Usually a word for it

Camille Paglia Award for Verbal Pomposity

To Camille Paglia whose answering machine message goes like this: You have reached the voicemail line of Professor Camille Paglia. Due to her pressing obligations as a teacher and scholar, Professor Paglia cannot personally return calls. Do not send faxes: Professor Paglia does not accept them. All packages are opened and inspected by the staff. Unsolicited materials without return postage may be automatically discarded. Urgent messges may be left on the tape to be reviewed by the staff. If you do not receive a reply to your letter or call, please assume that Profesor Paglia is not interested in your proposal …

Native Californian Political Correctness Award

RUNNER UP: Santa Cruz city council, which debated a motion to outlaw lookism, the practice of judging people by their looks, on the basis that some faced discrimination because they were cosmetically challenged. WINNER: the Los angeles Times, which banned words such as crazy, holy rollers, babe, queer and ghetto. This last decision caused some problem for a Washington Post reporter, keen to discuss the film White men Cant Jump but careful to retitle it There May Be Anthropological Differences That Account For Variation in Personal Vertical Lift, Though These Do Not of Course Imply the Kinetic Inferiority of One Ethnic Group Vis-a-Vis Another.

Economical With The Actualite Euphemism Award

RUNNER-UP: General Motors, whose early-retirement programme – in true job-seekers allowance mode–is known as special accelerated attrition. WINNER: Stephen Pollard, lawyer for the MP George Foulkes, who was found with a rather high level of alcohol in his blood. Mr Pollard said that his client had been at a whisky party as befits an MP concerned with the blending industry.

Roger Levitt Award For Openness in The City

To those market analysts who decided it was just too awkward being seen making sell recommendations on certain stocks. So they decided that sell should officially be re-named hold and then strong hold when the masses got wind of what they meant. Finally they decided that, regarding dodgy shares, theyd now be aggressively neutral.

Seriously Lost in Translation Award

WINNER: the Black Dyke Mills brass band, celebrated in Yorkshire since 1815, and due to play Carnegie Hall, New York, last year. Until the hall detected that black and dyke might offend both the race and gay lobbies in one and suggested re-naming it the British Mills Brass Band – a national insult, an outrageous suggestion ….

Ronnie Kray Award For East-End Cultural Enrichment

To Mohammed Ali Abdulslarmov, a 23 year-old Russian studying at Nottingham University, who called upon to translate (sic) when an elderly Russian patient had trouble breathing. He has run out of his breath climbing the old apples and pears, the student told doctors, and he doesnt know where theyve put his whistle and flute.

Mohammed, it transpired, had concluded that Cockney slang was the backbone of nineties English, having learned most of it from watching Only Fools And Horses and Minder.

Today I had just changed my desk. They came, took the old one away, and brought in the new one. And then left. They left me with the computer on the floor and about a billion cables to plug in. Plugging in cables was OK, because I know computers good enough. But, the cables themselves!

It seems that if you leave a cable alone, it tends to form knots. Not simple knots (the type your shoelace get, those one that makes you cut the lace!) but really crazy, schizophrenic knots. So, I thought that if a cable means knots, than more cable mean more knots. Wrong! If you get more cable together, they weave. In twenty minutes, the cable wove by themselves a nice sweater. I pulled it apart, since I needed the cables more.

The second thing I learned about cables is that there are two kinds: the too long ones, that you have to bend and twist in order to bring them to a more reasonable length, and the too short ones. The second kind was bloody better represented among my cables.

Well, cursing a lot and trying not to use the axe, after eight to nine hours of hard work, I managed to get everything connected, and quite in a fashionable style (no cables in the middle of the room, the monitor is at his place and not on the corner closet, how the cord initially imposed, and so on). I felt very proud of myself. Then I started the computer. Then I TRIED to start the computer. Nothing.

And so I found out that the AC power cord was to short to reach the wall outlet.

🙁

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight… Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some good head. All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says Don’t forget his coffee!

Guy: My watch is telling me you arent wearing any panties.
Girl: Yes I am.
Guy: Damn, it must be a hour fast.

A woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house.
He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and
sit some more — would never do those little household repairs that
most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit.

One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said
sweetly, Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it? Her
husband snarled, What do I look like? The tidy-bowl man? and sat
down on the sofa.

The next day, the garbage disposal wouldnt work. When her husband got
home, she said, very nicely, Honey, the disposal wont work. Would you
try to fix it for me? Once again, he growled, What do I look like?
Mr. Plumber?

The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband
got home, she steeled her courage and said, Honey, the washer isnt
running. Would you check on it? And again was met with a snarl, What
do I look like? The Maytag repairman?

Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three
repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said, Honey, I had the repairmen out
today. He frowned, Well, how much is that going to cost? Well,
honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having
sex with them.

Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them? he asked. She smiled.
What do I look like? Betty Crocker?