Old and New Jokes

Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.

Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.

Enjoys job: Needs more to do.

There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.



The judge says, do you want to live with your dad? the kid says no! he beats me!.

The judge says,you want to live with your mom? no! she beats me too!.



So the judge says, who do you want to live with then?



The kid says, The Cleveland Browns…they cant beat anybody!

Look no further. The hands-down, all-time winner of the Valentine writing contest has been found…

Dear Ex-Valentine,



Im so miserable without you. Its almost like having you around.



— Your Ex

If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.

Q: Why did the cow receive the Nobel Peace Prize?

A: Because it was out standing in its field!

I heard the following last night–its in the category
of a friend of a normally reliable friend and may be
apocryphal, but what the hell…

Following a really good party one night, the hosts
decided to leave the assorted bottles and dregs until the
next morning. As they staggered downstairs next day,
they found their young children finishing off all that
they could find, and looking the worse for wear.

Not knowing what to do, the father suggested taking them
out in the car for some fresh air. A traffic policeman,
seeing the car going round and round the block for no
reason, pulled him over and breathalysed him… and the
meter showed positive.

While matters were being sorted out, one of the children
asked the policeman if he could try the breathalyser…
and the meter again showed positive!

Damn! said the policeman, another faulty meter! He
then apologised to the driver for stopping him, and drove
off without another word…

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?

A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while hes drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did? The guy says, No, what? He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!, says the bartender. Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Ill pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later hes in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now?, he asks.

Now what?, responds the patron.

Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.

Yeah, that doesnt surprise me, replied the patron. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!

10. New assimilation software turned out to be vaporware; back to square one when the suppliers 1-800 number was disconnected.
9. Assimilation of Locutus caused chaos as the Borg became caught up in a massive Sam Spade adventure game craze.
8. If Earth were assimilated, the commute from Borg home planet would be a killer drive.
7. Collective Borg decided a cube was to complicated a form – awaiting building of a new pyramid ship.
6. Earth was too blue for their tastes; they were hoping for an emerald green planet, something in a teal, with tasteful lavender clouds.
5. Bidding war for exclusive appearance in Coke or Pepsi commercials too agonizing a choice… returned home to rebuild decision circuits.
4. Earth too close to the sun… would ruin their cultivated pallor.
3. They heard that Worf bragged of personally kicking their butts if they showed their face in the sector again… began laughing for first time, havent stopped yet.
2. $29 navigation chip failed… they now have NO idea where Earth is… wandering out by the Cardassians, asking directions.

   And the number one reason the Borg havent returned to Earth….

1. WESLEY CRUSHER