Old and New Jokes

According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.

Yo mama so dumb she sat on the TV and watched the couch.

Signs the Person Answering the Butterball Turkey Hotline is Nuts

As presented on the 11/26/96 broadcast of LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

Starts out by asking, What are you wearing?
Keeps referring to product called Vicks Vap-O-Gravy
Recommends thawing the turkey in your pants
Wants you to look inside the turkey for contact lens he lost at the processing plant
When you ask, How often should I baste it? he says, Are we still talking about the turkey?
Tells you that when the timer pops up, you have ten seconds before the damn thing explodes
Insists you cook turkey at six degrees for 450 hours
Keeps interrupting to ask if youre planning to eat the bird or wear it as a hat
Claims to have sailed from New York to the Bahamas in a gravy boat
He tells you to go stuff yourself

Youre so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.
If ugliness were bricks, you would be the Great Wall Of China.
Youre so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.
If ugliness was a crime, youd get the electric chair.
You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you Shit Happens.
Youre so ugly, your mate wont have to worry about birth control… your face will do just fine.
Youre so ugly, you could model for death threats.
Youre so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.
Youre so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.
Youre so ugly, when you look in the mirror your reflection turns to stone.
Youre so ugly, when you sit in the sand the cats try to bury you.
Youre so ugly, your doctor is a vet.
Youre so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.
Youre so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arressted for mooning.
Youre so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.
Your girl is so ugly, you gave her a hickey and got a mouthful of fur.
Youre so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.
Youre so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.
Youre so ugly, everytime your mother looks at you she says to herself, Damn, I shouldve just given head.
I know why you look like a horse, because I saw your mother grazing in the field.
Youre so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo – first I peeked, then I booed.
Youre so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.
Youre so ugly, they call you Taco Bell – when people see you they run for the border.
Youre so ugly, you make onions cry.
Youre so ugly, the tide wouldnt bring you in.
Youre so ugly, I took you to see the zookeeper and he said, Thanks for bringing him back.
Youre so ugly, you mother had to get drunk before she breast fed you.
Youre so ugly, you went to a freak show and got a permanent job.
Youre so ugly, the police sketch artists are afraid to draw you.
Youre so ugly, when you get sick they call the vet.
Youre so ugly, you make blind kids cry.
Youre so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.
Youre so ugly, everytime you go out you get chased by the dogcatcher.
Youre so ugly, when you jerk off your hand tries to fall asleep.
Youre so ugly, you cant hail a bus.
Youre so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step the water parts.
Youre so ugly, you give Freddy Krugger nightmares.
Youre so ugly, they let you park in handicapped spaces.
Youre so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didnt come back.
Youre so ugly, when you went to the zoo they refused to let you out.
Youre so ugly, you cant get a date off the calendar.
Youre so ugly, when your mother went into labor the doctors went on strike.
Youre so ugly, your last name is Link and your first is Missing.
Your girlfriend is so ugly, OPP meas, Oh, please, put it away!
Youre so ugly, people put your picture in their car window as an anti-theft device.

One day this big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a raggedy sleeveless sundress walks into a bar.

She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

The whole bar goes dead silent as the patrons try to ignore her.

At the end of the bar, a skinny little piss head slams his hand on the bar and says, Barman, I want to buy that ballerina a drink.

The barman pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After shes completed the drink, she turns again to the throng and points around at all of them, again revealing the hairy armpit, saying,

What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and slurs to the barman, Sir, I would like to buy the ballerina another drink.

After serving the lady her second drink, the barman approaches the little drunkard and says, Its your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?

To which, the drunk replies, Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cyril!
Cyril who?
Cyril nice to meet you!

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, How is much is this TV?

The salesman said, Sorry, we dont sell to blondes.

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, Sorry, we dont sell to blondes.

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, Sorry we dont sell to blondes.

She replied, I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?

Because that is not a TV, its a microwave.

A burglar has just made it into the house hes intending ransacking, and hes looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, I can see you, and so can Jesus!

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

I can see you, and so can Jesus!

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, I can see you, and so can Jesus!

So what, says the burglar, youre only a parrot!

To which the parrot replies, Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Bean!
Bean who?
Bean fishing lately?

A 90-year old man went to the doctors and asked for a sperm count.

It cant be very high, the doctor said. Theres really no need for it.

But the old man still wanted it all the same.

All right then, the doctor said. She went to her cabinet, got out a small container, and gave it to the man. Take this jar home, do a little jobby in the jar, and bring it back here.

A week later, the doctor was coming out of her office when she found the old man and his wife sitting in the waiting room. They handed her the jar.

But the jar is empty, she said after looking at it.

I told you that you had to do a little jobby in the jar in order for me to get the sperm count.

Doc, the man began. I tried it with my right hand, I tried it with my left hand. My wife tried it with her right hand, and tried it with her left hand. She even tried it with her teeth out. But that damn lid just wouldnt come off!!!