Old and New Jokes

Q: Whats worse than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater? A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 hes willing to bet anyone who says he cant.

The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks, Whats the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside? The dog answers ROOF. The bartender says, Who are you kidding? Im not paying.

The dogs owner says, How about double or nothing and Ill ask him something else.

The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks, Who was the greatest ballplayer of all time? The dog answers with a muffled RUTH.

With that the bartender picks them both up and throws them out the door.

As they bounce on the sidewalk, the dog looks at his owner and says, DiMaggio?

Farmer smith was not satisfied with the yield of his milk cows, so he decided to called in an animal psychologist, an engineer and a physicist to try and improve matters. All three inspected the farm and the cows and made there recommendations.

The animal psychologist went first, If you paint the milking shed green the cows will be happier and happy cows will give more milk.

Then came the turn of the engineer. If you narrow the milking stalls by 10 centimetres you will be able to add an extra stall and thus be able to milk an extra cow in the same time.

Farmer Smith was very happy so far, now it came to the turn of the physicist. He got out a black board and started drawing an elaberate diagram. Then he started to talk:

First, consider the Cow as a sphere, radius r.

You probably have to have studied physics to get the joke!

OXYMORONS…

Act naturally

Found missing

Resident alien

Advanced BASIC

Genuine imitation

Safe sex

Airline food

Good grief

Same difference

Almost exactly

Government organization

Sanitary landfill

Alone together

Legally drunk

Silent scream

British fashion

Living dead

Small crowd

Business ethics

Microsoft Works

Soft rock

Butt head

Military intelligence

Software documentation

California culture

New classic

Sweet sorrow

Childproof

Now, then …

Synthetic natural gas

Christian Scientists

Passive aggression

Taped live

Clearly misunderstood

Peace force

Temporary tax increase

Computer jock

Plastic glasses

Terribly pleased

Computer security

Political science

Tight slacks

Definite maybe

Pretty ugly

Twelve-ounce pound cake

Diet ice cream

Rap music

Working vacation

Exact estimate

Religious tolerance

El jefe está teniendo una aventura amorosa con su secretaria. Una tarde en el motel, tras una intensa juerga, el hombre, poco acostumbrado a tanta actividad, se queda profundamente dormido.

Cuando despierta, a las 8:30 de la noche, se da cuenta de lo tarde que se le ha hecho para regresar a su hogar.

¡Apúrate!, le dice a la secretaria, mientras me visto, lleva mis zapatos al jardín del motel y embárralos de lodo.

Sorprendida, la secretaria obedece. Cuando el tipo llega a la casa una hora después y su esposa le reclama, el hombre dice:

No puedo mentirte, querida. Me pasé la tarde con mi secretaria en un motel, después me quedé dormido y se me hizo tarde para regresar a casa.

La esposa, contemplando los zapatos del hombre, irritada le grita:

¡Vil mentiroso, otra vez te escapaste a jugar golf!

Tres dueños de funerarias se reúnen para tomarse unos tragos. El primero les comenta a los otros dos que el caso más difícil para él fue preparar a un hombre que le habían dado treinta puñaladas.

Eso no es nada, a mí me tocó preparar una persona que tenía el brazo dentro del oído y le salían los dedos por el cerebro, afirma otro.

Pues a mí me tocó preparar una viejita que la habían violado doce tipos…, declara el tercero.

¿Y dónde está la dificultad?, preguntan intrigados los otros dos.

¡En que me costó mucho quitarle la cara de felicidad!

The Horse Auction
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, Dad, why are you doing that?
His father replied, Because when Im buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.

21. Labs used to be fun.

22. T.A. used to stand for teaching assistant, now, for terribly articulated.

23. Squirt guns equal stress relief.

24. E-mail becomes your second language.

25. Frat parties are exactly like they are in the movies.

26. Ten-page papers used to sound impossible, now theyre a Godsend.

27. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

28. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

29. Professors are like celebrities: you see them, but they never see you.

30. Western Europe could be wiped out by a horrible plague and youd never know, but you could recite last weeks episode of Friends verbatim.

There was a very rich old Irish man who had a little dog. It meant the
world to him. When the dog died he went to the priest. Father Murphy, my
little dog is dead. Id sure appreciate it if yed say a public mass fer
im.

Sorry, Patrick, said the priest, we dont say mass fer dogs n
the like. But you go on down there to the Protestant church. With their
progressive thinking, who knows what theyll do!

Well, Father, I wouldnt
want to offend them. Do ya think a donation of a-hundred-thousand pounds
would be fitting fer such a service? Patrick asked.

Now, Patrick, why
didnt ye tell me that there little dog was Catholic in the first place?!

Source: A local (Pittsburgh, PA) comedian.

Dick Thornburgh has resigned his position as Attorney General, the
nations highest cop, to run for the U.S. Senate in November.

Looks like another case of if you cant beat em, join em.