Old and New Jokes

A fella won a million and a friend asked him what he would do with it.

Well, said the fella,I plan to spend $250,000 on wine, the same on women and the same on song.



What are you doing with whats left over? asked the friend.



Ill probably just waste that, replied the fella.

Yo mama so fat she got arrested for carrying 26 Lbs of crack in her pants.

YOU MIGHT BE AN ENGINEER IF… The only jokes you receive are through e-mail(nothing wrong with this one). At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string. Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma. Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room. In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure. The salespeople at Circuit City cant answer any of your questions. You are always late to meetings. You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling. You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it. You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday. You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie. You can type 70 words a minute but cant read your own handwriting. You cant write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines. You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel. You forgot to get a haircut … for 6 months. You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects. You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area. You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance. You have more friends on the Internet than in real life. You have never backed up your hard drive. You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married. You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts. You know what http:// stands for. You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids toys. You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts. You see a good design and still have to change it. You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring. You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it. You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory. You think that when people around you yawn, its because they didnt get enough sleep. You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa). You window shop at Radio Shack. Youre in the back seat of your car, shes looking wistfully at the moon, and youre trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite. Your checkbook always balances. Your laptop computer costs more than your car. Your wife hasnt the foggiest idea what you do at work. Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium. Youve already calculated how much you make per second. Youve ever tried to repair a $5 radio.

Euro-English The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, s will be used instead of the soft c. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard c will be replaced with k. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced by f. This will make words like fotograf 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent es in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th by z and W by V. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaining ou, and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

It was afternoon in the crowded cafeteria. The elderly matron sitting at the counter was obviously upset at the cigarette smoke of the young woman beside her. Finally the older woman could take it no longer. She turned to the girl and bellowed with a loud voice Young lady, I would rather commit adultery than smoke!

So would I, quipped the girl, but you know, there just isnt time enough during a coffee break.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde skydiver? A: She missed the Earth!

In a small midwestern town, nestled-up in the wee rolling hills of
southern Indiana, theres a microcosm of all that is (and shall ever
be) the Great Mid West. Its known as Brown County. Yup. Thats
my hometown!

And if you want to know whats going on in Brown County, you only
have to read the Sheriffs Log in the local paper, The Brown County
Democrat. Heck, even if you dont want to know whats going on, you
still read it for the comic relief!

This is a small collection of some of the actual phone calls received
by the Sheriffs department in good ol Brown County, Indiana:

Man on Bellsville Road reported someone has knocked down
his mailbox and then came back and ran over it.

11:14pm Man reports suspicious vehicle on Butler Road.

11:34pm Deputy reports vehicle had a couple of lovers
in it. They were advised to pull the car off the road.

Man has found a couch hidden behind a wood pile.

Womans washing machine has overheated. Womans unplugged
it, but it is still smoking.

Man is coming out of a man hole.

Person calls to ask if it is raining.

Man reports the covered bridge in Bean Blossom didnt feel
right when he drove over it. County highway is advised.

Someone reports nude swimmers at Pikes Peak–two cars
dispatched.

Trouble reported at the county dump. Someone abandoned a
person there.

4:02am Caller reports a boat just went through Morgantown
at a high rate of speed, headed west.

Woman phones that she has found a bull.

Man wanted to know if he could burn his house down. Was
advised to talk to the fire department.

Man complains on phone of noise pollution from helicopter.
He said sheriff department should stop the helicopter.

Someone on phone said, Id like to report a fire and then
hung up.

2:20pm Woman on 135 north suspects radiator may have been
stolen from auto.

2:47pm Deputy reports radiator not stolen; woman was confused
because radiator was not behind grill on transverse engine.

Man wants to know if sheriff would like to come watch his
snakes eat.

Woman requests a deputy–her pussycat is sick and will not
come out from under the bed. Deputy enroute.

Cattle are out; Sheriff enroute to help round up the herd.

4:11am Girls at a slumber party request assistance. Two
deputies enroute.

Man advises there may be domestic trouble soon at his home.

6:41pm Woman on Three Notch Road phones that she accidentally
grazed her husband while shooting hogs.

6:51pm Woman phones again to advise disregard earlier phone
call. Says her husband received only a couple of small scratches
on his chest from ricocheting shotgun pellets.

Man phones to say a dog has bitten his child. He shot dog and
is taking its head to State Board of Health.

Monroe County said a woman wanted us to be on the look out for
her husband who is drunk. She said she was worried about the car.

Man reports his son has run away with two girls.

Man reports he will be burning his sisters barn on Valley
Branch Road.

Woman reports her husband may report his car stolen but she has
it and he knows it.

Man complained that a neighbor has got a dog in heat and his dog
left because of it. He was advised to call the Humane Society
because there is not much you can do about Mother Nature.

A grouse flew through a window on Helmsburg Road setting off a
burglar alarm, and cat ate the grouse.

Woman on Artist Drive reported varmits in their flue.

9:13am Eleven cows missing since last night on Green Valley Road.

9:42am Disregard on missing cows. They have come home.

Woman at Fruitdale complains that neighbors dogs wont let her
go to mailbox.

Man advises that his dog, which bit a person has been all right
since then.

Man from Gnaw Bone advises that two unauthorized cows are on his
property.

Woman reports she found a dead dog in her bed. Deputy investigates.

9:01am Cow is tearing up golf course.

4:20pm Man who reported cow tearing up golf course reports a
heard of cattle is now on the golf course.

Woman reported several sleazy males at Long Mountain.

Woman reported a party going on at Helmsburg with a bunch of kids
and that one girl is parading around in her nighty with a beer in
her hand.

Woman reports car heading north from Stonehead. Two scroungy
male subjects are in the vehicle driving very slowly. Also had
a tent-like affair inside of car.

Seedy looking subject reported at the corner of Helmsburg Road
and Jackson Branch Road.

Oak Ridge Road resident complains of car which has been messing
around at night and early mornings.

Man requests deputy to tell his wife he has two buildings on fire
and doesnt know when he will be home.

Prisoner released to the custody of father to register for college.

And no, that last one wasnt me, either 😉

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to
marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several
unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in
the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding
night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in
the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room
piled in one corner.

What happened? she asks.

Ive never been with a woman, he says. But if its anything like
screwing a kangaroo, Im gonna need all the room I can get!

Q: How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
A: By their names.

Un tipo acude con su médico:

Doctor, tengo un problema con mi mujer: todas las noches, cuando ya estamos dormidos, ella sueña que va conduciendo un automóvil estándar; me agarra el miembro como si fuera la palanca de velocidades y mete la primer velocidad; mete la segunda; mete la tercera, y así se la pasa toda la noche y, la verdad, a veces llega a ser muy doloroso y no sé que hacer.

Mire, en la noche cuando se duerman y su esposa empiece a soñar que está conduciendo dígale: Mi amor, cuidado, una vaca en el camino. Verá que a su mujer se le acabará ese sueño.

El hombre sale de la consulta decidido a ponerle fin a esa situación. Cuando llega la noche y están dormidos, la señora empieza a soñar que va conduciendo y mete primera y mete segunda y mete tercera; cuando va a meter cuarta, el marido sigue el consejo del médico y le grita:

¡Mi amor, mi amor, una vaca en el camino!

Sin despertarse, la mujer le agarra un testículo; lo aprieta e imita el sonido de un claxon:

Piiip, piiiiiipp.