Old and New Jokes

Have you heard about the new low-fat communion bread?

Its called I Cant Believe Its Not Jesus!

Told by my new General Sales Manager…

Q: Why are the flags at the Post Office at half staff?

A: Theyre hiring….

One day there was this preacher and he was having his usual sermon when all of a sudden it started raining, really, really, hard!!!! After about 1 full hour of complete non-stop rain, they started making evacuations because the whole church was flooding, but the preacher just stood there in the ankle-deep water.

A guy in a car came up to him and said. Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!

But the preacher just replied Dont worry God will save me.

The man then said Whatever! and drove away.

The water was now knee-deep and a guy in a raft came over to the Preacher and said Preacher, Preacher you better get in here before you drown!

Despite the second warning the Preacher just stood there and replied Dont worry God will save me.

The man then said Whatever!! and rowed away in the orange raft.

The water was now waist-deep and a guy in a power boat came to the Preacher and said Preacher,Preacher you better get in here before you drown!

Despite the third warning the Preacher just stood there and replied Dont worry God will save me.

With that the man said Whatever! and jetted away in the power boat.

The water was now neck-deep and a guy in a helicopter came and said Preacher, Preacher you better get your butt in here before you drown!!

The man still just stood there and replied Dont worry God will save me. And with that the man said Whatever and flew away.

The water then got so deep that the Preacher was sucked under and died. When he opened his eyes he noticed that he was in heaven. He then saw God and asked God! Why didnt you save me from that horrible flood?!?

God then replied, I sent you a car,a raft,a power boat, and a helicopter!!! What else do you want from me?

Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.

A man goes golfing with his Friend, John. He arrives home several hours late.

His wife asks,What took you so long?

He replies,Oh, honey, it was an horrible afternoon! On the third hole, John had a heart attack and died on the spot! She says,Oh, darling! It must have been awful for you! The husband replies, It was hell! Fifteen holes of hit the ball, drag John, hit the ball, drag John…

A guy walks into a shop and says, You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose tremulo?

Youre a drummer, arent you?

Duh, yeah. Howd you know?

This is a travel agency.

I read in an AP newswire dated 10 September 1994 that Fred and Beverly Klatt, who got married in 1987, finally received their marriage license in the mail this week.

Fred said: Im sure glad to see that its official now.

Beverly found the envelope on Wednesday, in an Express Mail envelope hanging on their door, postmarked June 10, 1987.

The Klatts claim they still have faith in the postal service, but not like I used to, thats for sure.

Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute.

…you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.

…your office is better decorated than your apartment.

…you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.

…you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.

…you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.

…you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.

…everything reminds you of something in your discipline.

…you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.

…you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.

…there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider yours.

…you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.

…you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.

…you look forward to summers because youre more productive without the distraction of classes.

…you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.

…you consider all papers to be works in progress.

…professors dont really care when you turn in work anymore.

…you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.

…you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.

…you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

…you reflexively start analyzing those greek letters before you realize that its a sorority sweatshirt, not an equation.

…you find yourself explaining to children that you are in 20th grade.

…you start refering to stories like Snow White et al.

…you frequently wonder how long you can live on pasta without getting scurvy

…you look forward to taking some time off to do laundry

…you have more photocopy cards than credit cards

…you wonder if APA style allows you to cite talking to yourself as personal communication

Toast always lands butter-side down.

And cats always land on their feet.

What would happen if you spread butter on a cats back and dropped it out of a window?